Bleach Summer Camp
by MJLCoyoteStarrk
Summary: Arrancars and Shinigami...together...at Summer Camp.  What could go wrong?  Welcome to Camp Smiley, we promise that you won't want to leave.  Theme: "March from the River Kwai and Colonel Bogey" by Mitch Miller
1. Chapter 1: We're Going and That's Final!

**Bleach Summer Camp**

**Chapter 1: "We're Going and That's Final"**

"My dear Espada and Arrancar, I have called this meeting to discuss something very important with you," Aizen said, looking around the table and the room in general.

"Great, another lecture," Grimmjow muttered.

"What was that, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez?" Aizen asked.

"I was only saying…"

"Kaname, if you would be so kind," Aizen said.

"Yes sir," Kaname said and began to withdraw his Zanpakuto.

"Uh…nothing my Lord," Grimmjow said, sweating.

"Kaname, please stand down."

"Yes sir."

"Now then, where was I before Grimmjow so rudely interrupted?"

"Ooh, you were saying that you had something important to discuss," Gin said, grinning.

"Thank you, Gin. I knew I could count on you."

"You're welcome, Aizen."

"Anyways, I've noticed that there's been a few…incidents involving fellow Arrancars. I ignored it at first because it was rather minor. It started out with taunts in the halls and on Facebook, but then it grew. Taunting gave rise to full out fights and the comments on Facebook turned into full out cyber wars."

"Complete with emptying the missile silos," Gin said, still grinning.

"Yes and the damage that those cyber wars caused forced us to have to replace 230 computers in a single day."

"**Uh…I thought it was…**" Aaroniero said.

"…_Nnoitora's porn addiction…_" Arruruerie said.

"**…that did that.**"

"It probably was," Nel said.

"Shut up, Nelliel, before I crack your mask and throw you to the desert," Nnoitora said.

"Come on," Nel said. "We all know that you have a MASSIVE porn addiction. We can hear you throughout Las Noches."

"Shut up," Nnoitora growled.

"Pervert," Harribel said.

"You better watch it, bitch," Nnoitora said.

"No…I think you better watch it," Starrk growled to everyone's surprise.

"Oh yeah, is Li'l Doggy protective of his Li'l Chew Toy?" Nnoitora asked, mocking him.

"I just don't like how you threaten my friends, Nnoitora."

"Yeah, kick Spoony's ass!" Apacci called out.

"MASTER NNOITORA!" Tesla cried out, clearly distressed.

"ENOUGH!" Aizen shouted.

Everyone became quiet. Gin only snickered a little. Tosen just stood to the side like a statue.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," Aizen said. "At any rate, the reason why I've decided that the time has come to do something is because…OF WHAT YOU DID TO MY BEAUTIFUL CASTLE!"

_**Twenty Minutes Before**_

Yammy was walking down the halls of Las Noches, minding his own business. He was wondering what he should do and was looking for Ulquiorra to figure out what to do. Unfortunately, he failed to notice Aaroniero post a "GRAN REY CERO ME" sign to his back and dash away. If Yammy found Ulquiorra first, then most of what followed would have been avoided. Unfortunately, Grimmjow saw him first and happily obliged the sign on his back.

Now, all good Espada and Arrancar know that it is forbidden for any Espada ranked 4 or above to release their Resurrección inside Las Noches. Unfortunately, Yammy's too much of an idiot to remember such a vital rule and released his full power, which made him resemble a combination of a pissed-off Colossus of Rhodes and an even more pissed-off Minotaur. Now, Las Noches could handle the pressure from his first-stage release and then his second-stage release, but not his full-release. As a result, most of Las Noches was destroyed.

Two figures stood in the midst of this damage.

"**You see…**"

"_…I told you he was ranked Zero…"_

"**…now pay up, Zommari.**"

_**Hueco Mundo**_

Starrk and Lilynette sat and watched the Exequias and many of the lesser ranked Arrancars clearing the destruction. Rudobon was barking out orders, which only made sense. He was not only Commander of the Exequias, but he was also head of the Las Noches Clean-Up and Restoration Committee. He thought about what Aizen said at the end of the meeting before he stormed off.

He had told them all that something would have to be done to get them in line. Then he just stormed out, without even finishing his tea. He hoped that Aizen wouldn't do anything too harsh on them.

"Hey Starrk," Lilynette said.

"Hmm," Starrk replied.

"What are we going to do now?"

"I have no idea," Starrk said.

He sat and watched as Nnoitora and Grimmjow were getting into another argument. He also saw Szayel arguing with Zommari. He had a good view of Ulquiorra's room and saw him standing in what was left of his Emo-Corner, banging his head against what little of the wall was left. Starrk never saw the little Emo get upset like that before. Meanwhile, Yammy was trying to break Aaroniero Arruruerie's tank open. He guessed that Yammy found out who taped the "GRAN REY CERO ME" sign to his back and miraculously remembered it and knew who it was. Baraggan, of course, was sitting on his throne and ordering his fraccion to attack the fiends responsible for destroying HIS palace. Of course, they took that to mean just about anyone.

"They're really going all out this time," Harribel said.

"No kidding," Starrk said. "The thing is…I don't even know what they're all fighting about. I mean, I can see that Ulquiorra is upset that his favorite spot was mostly destroyed."

"I think they want to kill whoever is mostly responsible for getting Aizen upset," Nel said. "They think that he might forgive them if they deliver the head of whoever started the whole thing. Well, the only problem is…they're all blaming each other for what happened."

"I thought that it was Zommari and AA who started this whole thing," Starrk said. "Didn't they make a bet on whether or not Yammy was really ranked Zero?"

"Well…yeah, but, they overlook that little detail," Nel said, shrugging.

"Why am I not surprised?" Starrk groaned.

_**Seireitei**_

Aizen was not the only one having problems with his subordinates.

He would have been much happier if he knew that Yamamoto was also having problems with his fellow Captains and their officers along with a certain orange-haired Substitute. He thought that when it turned out that Aizen betrayed them that it couldn't get any worse. Unfortunately, it did.

The argument that stood out in his mind was when Kenpachi, Byakuya, and Komamura got into a heated argument that started with Yachiru going too far and tugged on Komamura's ears. Normally, Komamura would take it in-stride, but not when Yachiru was practically yanking his ears off, the dog-man could not take it anymore.

One thing led to another, and then before long, two Bankais were unleashed in the Seireitei. Unfortunately, one crushed Squad 2's barracks. This caused Sui-Feng to become so furious that she unleashed her own bankai. And then Kurotsuchi got involved because Sui-Feng's rocket accidently hit his lab. The result was about half of the Squad barracks being destroyed and most of the Senzaikyu in ruins.

Yamamoto knew that in order to fight against Aizen and the Arrancar army, they would need some serious work. That was when his Lieutenant showed him the brochure. He called for an emergency meeting with the Captains and their Lieutenants, except for Ukitake who had to bring his two Third Seats. When they were assembled in the Meeting Hall, Yamamoto called the meeting to order.

"This Emergency Captain's Meeting is called to order. I wish to discuss something of great importance. I am referring to the argument that took place a couple of days ago. From what I understand, Squad 4 is taking a while with the clean-up."

"It would help, if certain squads helped out," Unohana said and then gave her _other_ smile to the Captains of Squads 2, 6, 7, 11, and 12.

"Captain Unohana is right," Yamamoto said when he noticed Unohana's _other _smile, even though it wasn't directed at him. "However, their Captains and Lieutenants and Captain Kenpachi's main officers: Ikkaku and Yumichika will not be helping. They will be going to…"

_**Karakura Town**_

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Ichigo shouted as his dad showed him the brochure.

"It's not that bad," Isshin said, grinning. "It will be good for you. Besides, you said that you wanted to have a job over the summer and this is the perfect opportunity. I've already made arrangements for you and some of your friends to go. You'll meet the bus tomorrow afternoon."

_**Hueco Mundo**_

Starrk stood with Lilynette, Harribel, her fraccion, and Nel when Tosen approached them. He gave out a sharp whistle and then all of the other Arrancar were looking at him. Starrk couldn't help but feel a little nervous about his smile. When all of the Arrancars, except for Rudobon, the Exequias, and the lesser Arrancars who were still busy clearing the debris and beginning making repairs, which now included Grimmjow's fraccion and most of Baraggan's.

"If you're not helping with restoring Las Noches, come with me," Tosen said.

They looked at each other and only shrugged. They could only obey his orders since Aizen left him in charge. They hoped that they would find out what Aizen and Gin had been up to. The further they walked away from Las Noches they began to wonder where they were going. However, Tosen ignored their grumblings. He walked like a man on a mission and they didn't have much choice but to follow.

When they reached the top of a large sand dune, they saw a long line of railroad track and a train platform. There was a train stopped in the station. The Arrancars looked at it in surprise. However, Ulquiorra did not change his expression at all. Nnoitora looked as if his remaining eye would pop out of its socket and his mouth gaped open.

"What…the…Hell? Since when did we have a train station?" Nnoitora asked.

"You mean that we could have gotten out of this boring place all along?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Dumbass, we could have done that using Garganta," Grimmjow growled.

"I know that…but going by Garganta gets so…boring," Szayel Aporro whined.

"Enough of that," Tosen said. "Come on."

Tosen moved to the station and the other Arrancars followed him. Most of the Arrancars stopped when they got a closer look at the train. However, Luppi and Szayel Aporro were immediately in love with the gaudy thing. The train was painted bright rainbow colors complete with cupids and smiley faces with the words: CAMP SMILEY written in bright yellow across a field of sky blue with birds and smiling animals with two smiley faces on either side.

"You…have…got…to…be…joking," Grimmjow moaned.

"This is ridiculous. THE GOD OF HUECO MUNDO WILL NOT BE EMBARASSED IN SUCH A MANNER!" Baraggan cried out.

"This…is…GORGEOUS!" Szayel Aporro cried out.

"I agree, I love it," Luppi said.

"What the Hell?" Nnoitora shrieked. "Are you both insane?"

"This thing…looks like something from a nightmare I had once," Ulquiorra muttered.

The Arrancars on the platform muttered and then the doors slid open. They took a couple of steps back, except for Tosen who merely stepped forward. Luppi and Szayel Aporro were jumping up and down and looked ready to dash inside.

"All aboard," Tosen said, smiling to them.

Luppi and Szayel Aporro rushed in. The others only looked at each other and followed, but not as eagerly. When the last group of stragglers, which included Baraggan and Ulquiorra, entered, the doors slid shut. The group looked around and saw that the walls were decorated with scenes from a children's storybook called "Charlie the Choo-Choo".

"Are those kids supposed to be laughing or screaming?" Harribel asked, pointing at one of the panels.

"Screaming," Starrk said.

"_GOOD MORNING, MY DEAR ESPADA,_" Aizen's voice rang out over the intercom. "_WELCOME ABOARD THE CAMP SMILEY EXPRESS._"

"Aizen, is that really you?" Tosen asked, pretending to be surprised.

"Nope, it's me, Blaine the Monorail," Aizen said and laughed. "Yes, it's me. As it so happens, Blaine is the name of this beautiful train. Say 'hello' Blaine."

"DON'T ASK ME SILLY QUESTIONS," a rather polite, yet booming voice sang out. There were slight traces of the insanity that would overtake it by the time a much smaller group of travelers came across it in a city called Lud.

I WON'T PLAY SILLY GAMES.

I'M JUST A SIMPLE CHOO-CHOO TRAIN

AND I'LL ALWAYS BE THE SAME."

Then Aizen joined in with the song. The Espada and other Arrancar covered their ears and gritted their teeth as the duet continued with the next verse:

I ONLY WANT TO RACE ALONG

BENEATH THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY,

AND BE A HAPPY CHOO-CHOO TRAIN

UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

As the song progressed, Gin's voice joined in. The others turned and saw Gin standing at the rear of the car and they wondered where he came from. Then Luppi and Szayel Aporro joined in with the song as did Yammy and Tesla. As the song reached the end, the voices drew out the word "DIE" and then applause broke out.

"Please God, kill me now," Ulquiorra moaned.

"This has got to be some nightmare," Grimmjow said.

"Nope, I'm afraid not," Starrk said.

"_Welcome aboard,_" Aizen said.

"What do you want from us, Aizen?" Harribel asked.

"Yeah, why are we here?" Nnoitora asked.

"_The reason is that I have given you chance after chance to learn how to get along with each other. However, the recent destruction of Las Noches has proven that you have much to work on. Therefore, I have decided that the time has come for you to go to…_"

_**Seireitei**_

"Summer Camp?" Hitsugaya asked.

"That is correct," Yamamoto said. "The time has come for all of you to learn to get along with each other. Therefore, I have made arrangements for us to go to Camp Smiley. The express train will be arriving soon, after they picked up another party who is also attending."

"This is an insult to the Honorable and Noble name of Kuchiki," Byakuya said.

"I don't know," Ukitake said, smiling. "It could be fun. Also, it will help the squad Captains and officers to get along better."

"It sounds boring," Kenpachi said. "I mean we can't even get into a half-way decent battle there."

"Shouldn't we stay here? I mean, we still have to prepare for the War," Sui-Feng said.

"This is exactly what we need to help us prepare," Unohana said. "If we're unable to work together, then what chance do we have to defeat Aizen?"

"I'll drink to that," Kyoraku said, raising his bottle of sake.

"This is embarrassing," Komamura said. "I don't really want anyone to see me like this. My fur isn't in its best condition."

"Perhaps if you all learned how to cooperate better, I would not have to do this," Yamamoto said. "Before you even ask, I will be coming along to make sure that you are all participating and behaving yourselves."

"This is still embarrassing," Byakuya said.

_**Hueco Mundo**_

"This is…RIDICULOUS!" Baraggan roared. "I refuse to be treated in such a matter. I want out of this FREAK SHOW RIGHT NOW!"

"_Sorry, but no can do,_" Aizen said, over the intercom. "_As soon as you got on the train, a very powerful Kido spell was applied to you. Even as we speak, the Kido spell is taking effect. Pretty soon your bodies will become the equivalent of Gigais. Your powers will be sealed away, your hollow holes will be covered, and your mask remnants will no longer be visible. In other words…you'll be just like normal human beings._"

"Why are you doing this to us?" Apacci asked.

"_It's for the best,_" Aizen said. "_When this is over, I'm sure that you will become a single cohesive movement that can overthrow the Soul Society. I hope to see you become children that I can be proud of. You have nothing to worry about. I'm sure that we will have plenty of fun at camp. Hopefully, we'll all learn something about each other._"

"Wait a minute," Mila Rose said, realizing something. "We haven't packed anything! What are we going to do about personal hygiene? What about clothes?"

"_Oh, don't worry about that,_" Aizen said, chuckling. "_Personal hygiene materials like toothbrushes, toothpaste, soap, and shampoo will be provided. As for clothes…where we're going you won't_ need _clothes._"

"Oh God, are we going to a…a…A NUDIST CAMP?" Nnoitora shrieked.

"YES!" Luppi and Szayel Aporro shouted and gave each other a high-five.

"Interesting," Baraggan said, grinning as he glared at Harribel.

"Don't…even…think…about…it," Harribel growled at him.

"I…am…going…to…cut…my…wrists…and…hang…myself," Ulquiorra muttered.

"I swear to God," Mila Rose said. "If anyone here decides to go around nude, I'm gonna kill them."

"I'll help," Nnoitora growled. "Unless…" he said, licking his lips at the women present.

"In your dreams, Perv," Nel said.

"Nnoitora, one of these days, I'm gonna kick your Perv ass into next year," Apacci said.

"Now now, there's no need for that," Gin said, his grin was even wider than usual.

"I guess we know who gave Aizen the idea," Starrk whispered to Lilynette who only nodded.

"_Now then, my dear Espada,_" Aizen said. "_Please find a compartment to sit in. We will only make one stop during our twelve hour journey to pick up another group heading to Camp Smiley. So, you better make yourselves comfortable. Oh, I would suggest that you don't enter Compartment 20. It's already…occupied. Tosen will be making the rounds with the dinner cart at around 6:00 PM. Now, enjoy the ride and please try to be civil with each other. And I don't want to hear any complaints, because…_"

_**Aizen and Yamamoto together**_

"WE'RE GOING AND THAT'S FINAL!"

**End of Chapter 1**

**Lawyer: Please read this.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Uh...sure, but isn't it kind of obvious.**

**Lawyer: Doesn't matter, just read it.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Fine (takes paper). "I don't own Bleach, that belongs to Tite Kubo. Also, the song that Blaine sings is form "The Dark Tower: The Waste Lands" by Stephen King (which I highly recommend). I don't own the Dark Tower Series, that belongs to Stephen King." Do I have to read this for every chapter?**

**Lawyer: Not unless you decide to use some other character or element from another story.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Fine, I also don't own the name U.N. Owen, the ever-immortal Agatha Christie does, may her books never go out of print.**

**Lawyer: Nice, but...I think that Agatha Christie is in the public domain now.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Still, I want to make the plug for Agatha Christie, may her books always find an audience as Doctor Who seems to suggest. Amen.**

**A.N.: This trip to Camp Smiley can be seen as the beginning of Blaine's descent into madness. Roland and Company say "Thankee sai," to Aizen, "NOW EAT LEAD! MAY THE FIRE IN THE PITS OF NA'AR CONSUME YOU!**


	2. Chapter 2: The Horror Part One

**Bleach Summer Camp**

**Chapter 2: "The Horror" (Part 1)**

"I wish that the Kido spell could have done something about Aaroniero," Grimmjow muttered.

Even though the Kido spell had fully taken effect, it did nothing for the Novena Espada's "head bowl". The two heads floated around in its liquid and Grimmjow noticed how Szayel Aporro kept looking at it out of the corner of his eyes. Grimmjow thought that the Octava Espada was thinking about what that fluid was made of. If he had to guess, Grimmjow would have said Hawaiian Fruit Punch mixed with Gin (the alcohol not the ex-Captain). God knows that he could have gone for a drink right then.

"**What…**"

"_…are you…"_

"**…looking at?**"

"Well," Szayel Aporro said. "I was wondering what that fluid in your little fish bowl is."

"**Fuck…**"

"_…you._"

"Gee, sorry," Szayel Aporro said, raising his hands into the air.

"I'm moving," Grimmjow said and left the compartment.

He walked out just as Zommari, Ggio, and Luppi entered the compartment. Grimmjow was really glad that he left. The last thing he wanted was to be in the same compartment with _that_ particular group. He made his way down the aisle, looking for a compartment to sit in.

"Thank God they're gone," Nnoitora said.

Grimmjow stopped and looked into the compartment. He saw Nnoitora and Tesla with Ulquiorra sitting across from them.

"I agree," Ulquiorra said. "It was a good thing that you threatened to throw Luppi out the window if he didn't stop swinging his legs to make his feet shuffle on the carpet."

"Yeah, it was pissing me off."

"If it were me, I would have just let you throw my ass off this thing," Grimmjow said. "That way I could escape from this nightmare."

"I think that anyone else would have preferred that option, except for Szayel Aporro and Luppi," Ulquiorra said. "Please, have a seat."

"Thanks," Grimmjow said and plopped next to Ulquiorra. "Anyways, Ggio, Luppi and Zommari are in the compartment with Aaroniero and Szayel Aporro."

"Which compartment?" Nnoitora asked.

"Why would you want to know that?"

"So that way I can make sure to avoid it."

"Good point, they're in Compartment 13."

"_Attention campers, this is Aizen speaking._"

"Shit, this is the thousandth time he's done this," Nnoitora groaned.

"Indeed," Ulquiorra said. "And it has only been thirty minutes since we left. I would suggest that someone go in there and destroy the intercom equipment."

"_I heard that Ulquiorra. And you better forget it, because I've locked myself in. Anyways, where was I? Ah yes, I would like to inform you of today's menu. Today we have your choice of: fried bread with bean paste served with shrimp mixed in chocolate sauce and bread crumbs, raw scrambled eggs mixed with curry and tuna served on a sesame seed bun, or potato purée covered in apple sauce and chunky meat and bean paste sauce._"

"Did that Orihime girl come up with the menu?" Ulquiorra asked.

"_As a matter of fact, Ulquiorra, Orihime did come up with today's recipes. I was able to retrieve them from the kitchen, which was not as badly damaged as the rest of Las Noches._"

"This is creeping me out," Tesla said. "It seems as if Aizen can hear us."

"_Of course I can hear you, my dear Tesla. I am Aizen, God of the Universe. I see all and I hear all. Just like the Wizard of Oz. Don't forget that._"

"Stalker," Grimmjow muttered.

"_Well, to help pass the time, how about we all do a sing-along?_"

"NO!" Grimmjow, Nnoitora, and Ulquiorra shouted.

"YES!" Tesla shouted, grinning.

"Shut up, Tesla," Nnoitora said and punched Tesla.

"_Ten little Espada went out to dine,_" Aizen sang.

"SHUT UP!" Grimmjow shouted. "NO ONE WANTS TO SING ALONG TO SUCH A DUMB…"

At that moment there came a loud booming voice singing out.

"One choked and then there were nine," Yammy sang as he opened the door.

"Yeah, and that means that the Tenth did us all a favor and died. Fuck off, Yammy," Nnoitora snarled. "Before I decide to show you how the Tenth one _really_ died."

"Master Nnoitora…um…well…don't forget why we're here…perhaps you should…"

"SHUT UP, TESLA! I don't give a shit. This is Yammy we're talking about."

Unfortunately for them, Yammy, in a moment of "genius" thought that Nnoitora wanted him to join them. So, he entered the compartment, not registering the groans that emerged from all of the occupants, including Tesla, and sat down next to Grimmjow who was forced to move over until he and Ulquiorra were being crushed between the compartment's wall and Yammy's large bulk.

"Yammy…are you incapable of finding another seat," Ulquiorra said, trying not to become squished while also trying to avoid sitting in Grimmjow's lap.

"Well…" Yammy said, actually thinking it over. "Yes and no, I guess. I never really decided where I should sit and Aizen said that I could just sit wherever."

"In other words," Grimmjow said, wincing a little as Ulquiorra's elbow dug into his side. "You're just going around bothering whoever. Am I right?"

"Hmmm…speaking of which," Yammy said, getting up. "I'd better see what Baraggan's up to. I haven't seen him around lately."

"You do that," Nnoitora hissed. "AND DON'T THINK ABOUT COMIN' BACK!"

As soon as Yammy left the compartment, the others sighed in relief.

"Thank God, now we can get some peace and quiet," Grimmjow sighed.

"_Six little Espada played with a hive…_"

"SHUT UP!" Grimmjow screamed.

When Aizen finally got to the last verse where the last Espada hung himself, all of the Arrancars and Espada cheered that the song was finally over. Unfortunately, Aizen, either out of sheer stupidity or sheer sadism, thought that they wanted an encore performance. Thus, as he began again, all of the Espada and Arrancars yelled in dismay.

_**Karakura Town**_

Ichigo sat at the curb. His duffle bag was by his feet. Rukia stood next to him, her suitcase clutched in her hand.

"So, is this another ritual for you guys in the World of the Living?" Rukia asked.

"If you mean waiting for our ride, then yes, it is," Ichigo groaned.

Chad and Uryu were leaning against the wall, not saying anything. Ichigo could tell that Uryu just wanted to kill someone while Chad was just being Chad. Orihime was talking with Tatsuki who was trying to keep Chizuru from tackling Orihime. Keigo and Mizuiro were also sitting on the curb with Keigo talking about something at top speed while Mizuiro only ignored him by pretending to send text messages to someone.

"I can't believe that Dad did this," Ichigo said. "I told him that I wanted to get a summer job, but not at some summer camp."

"Well, maybe he thought it would be a good way for you to broaden your horizons."

"It's either that or he wants me to become just like him…completely insane."

At that moment, the sound of music drifted towards them. At first Ichigo thought it must be an ice cream truck making the rounds since the music sounded very similar. However, as soon as he saw the bus coming towards them, he began to think that his Dad was absolutely trying to drive him to suicide.

Coming towards them, blaring ice cream truck music was the gaudiest school bus he ever laid eyes on. It was completely covered in psychedelic pain and patterns. Two golden Cherub statuettes clung to the side mirrors and another served as a hood ornament. Spray painted across the top of the front window, in bright yellow paint, were the words: CAMP SMILEY BUS 1. Ichigo noticed that the words "CAMP SMILEY" flanked by smiley faces were painted on the side windows.

"What…the…Hell…is that thing?" Uryu asked, completely shocked.

"Sweet Chappy…it's so…" Rukia began.

"BEAUTIFUL!" Rukia and Orihime shouted together.

_**Camp Smiley Express: Compartment 17**_

"_All around the mulberry bush the Grimmy chased the Ichi_

_The Yammy thought it all in good fun_

_Pop goes the Ulqui!_"

"Won't he ever stop?" Lilynette moaned as Aizen went into another verse of "Pop Goes the Espada".

"He's having too much fun," Starrk grumbled.

"No kidding," Lilynette sighed. "If he thinks that this is helping us…he's either an idiot or he has a strange definition for 'helping'."

"Either that or he's still making us pay for what happened to Las Noches."

"Whatever, he's only succeeding in driving us insane."

"I agree. I can't even take a decent nap with him singing."

Lilynette sighed and looked out the window. All she could see was the same Hueco Mundo landscape.

"I'm going to the Ladies' Room," she said and got up.

"Fine," Starrk moaned.

"_All around the mulberry bush the Lily chased the Harri_

_Nelly thought it all in good fun_

_Pop goes the Starrkey!_"

"SHUT UP!" Starrk roared.

"Hey, how did Starrk get so lucky with his verse partners?" Nnoitora shouted. "I got stuck with 'Bowl Head' and 'The Great Pumpkin' and 'Psycho Pink'!"

Lilynette rolled her eyes as she made her way to the Women's Bathroom, which was past Aizen's "Command Central", which was actually Compartment 1. Now she could hear Aizen's actual voice coming from the small room as he began singing his own rendition of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," which he called "Walk, Walk, Walk Your Tesla". She was not surprised to hear Tesla shouting in rage. She opened the door and saw that Mila Rose, Apacci, Menoly, and Luppi were all crammed in.

"This is one of the few places where we can't hear him," Menoly said.

"_Walk, walk, walk your Ggio…_" Aizen sang.

"Then I'll just take my time," Lilynette said, closing the door behind her.

She went to one of the stalls and sat on the toilet. She took out a Chappy the Rabbit pencil and began to graffiti the stall walls. She made sure to draw a picture of Aizen's head decapitated from its body and hung on a stake.

"So, what do you think this camp will be like?" Menoly asked as she ruffled her short hair and then checked herself in the gold-etched mirror.

"I don't even want to think about it," Apacci groaned when she saw that the mirrors were etched with images of nudes in various poses.

"I swear, I'm gonna kill Aizen and Gin," Mila Rose growled.

"I don't know, I think it's rather nice," Luppi said.

"Hey, why are you even in here? I thought you were a guy," Apacci said.

"It depends on the time of month," Luppi said as he inserted a quarter into the sanitary dispensary. "Most of the time I'm a guy, but then there are a couple of days each month when I become a girl. There must have been a malfunction with the Hogyoku when I was made."

"Yeah, you and Cuuhlhourne," Menoly said, shuddering.

"Thank God I haven't seen Cuuhlhourne around. Maybe he got stuck with cleaning duty," Apacci said.

"Or better yet," Mila Rose said, smiling, "maybe he's dead."

In the stall, Lilynette thought that she heard a splashing sound coming from under her. She got up and looked at the toilet. She heard another soft splash. She reached out to open the lid, but then drew her hand back. All of the films she saw said the same thing: if there's a splashing noise coming from the toilet, don't open the lid.

"Nah, those are just movies," she said and lifted the lid. "What the HELL?"

"Lily, is everything alright?" Apacci asked, concerned.

"There's a frickin' KOI in the toilet," Lilynette said.

"Poor thing," Apacci said as she looked into the bowl and saw a rather good-sized Koi trying to swim around. "Maybe we should relocate it to Aaroniero's tank head."

_**Camp Smiley Bus 1**_

"_The wheels on the bus go round and round…_"

Ichigo tried to turn up the volume on his iPod in order to drown out the sound of the singing. Unfortunately, he couldn't turn the volume up any more and he could still hear them singing. He thought that the combination of the psychedelic colors and gaudy statuettes on the outside were the worse things about the bus. However, when he boarded, he thought that he would go blind.

The interior of the bus was equally gaudy with psychedelic colors painted in swirling patterns on the floor and ceiling. When he saw the decorations, he just wanted to claw out his eyes. Gold nude statues lined the aisle and there was even a chandelier hanging from the top-side emergency exit. He began to wonder how this thing was even legal to be on the streets.

Now, nearly two hours had passed and he thought he died and went to Hell. Rukia, Orihime, and Chizuru were singing along with the driver. When he first saw the driver, Ichigo expected it to be Don Kanonji since he was the only person he knew who would wear a crimson and purple uniform. It wasn't Don Kanonji. It was a guy who introduced himself as Sgt. Pepper.

Ichigo looked at his watch and saw that he only had to endure three more hours of this Hell. He didn't even want to think about what Camp Smiley was like.

_**Camp Smiley Express: Compartment 18**_

"_Old MacDonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-O_

_And on this farm he had a cow, EE-I-EE-I-O_

_With a moo-moo here and a moo-moo there_

_Here a moo-moo there a moo-moo everywhere a moo-moo_"

"Will he…just…stop…singing…about farm animals?" Nnoitora growled, rocking back and forth as he covered his ears.

"Damn, Nnoitora," Grimmjow said. "If I didn't know any better I would say that you're scared of farm animals."

"Shut up, Grimm-Kitty," Nnoitora growled. "Do you want me to kill ya?"

"Only if it means I can get out of this nightmare," Grimmjow said.

"In that case…I'll let you live."

Aizen continued singing about the zoo that Old MacDonald had for another half hour, even going so far as to invent animals. Then, finally, he got tired.

"Finally," Ulquiorra sighed.

"No shit," Grimmjow said, sighing in relief.

"Damn, now I'm bored," Nnoitora said.

"I know what you can do," Grimmjow said, grinning. "How about you go visit our neighbors in Compartment 13? I'm sure they would like it if you went over and said 'Hi'."

"No…fucking…way," Nnoitora growled. "The three Freaks of the Apocalypse are in there."

"Four if you count Aaroniero's other head, Arruruerie, as a separate being," Ulquiorra said.

"Come on, they're the weakest Espada here. Shit, even Yammy can kick their asses once he goes into Ira mode," Grimmjow said.

"No way," Nnoitora said. "They may be the weakest ones here, but they're also the creepiest. Sometimes I get the feeling that Zommari is always watching me, even with his eyes closed."

"Aw, come on, I dare ya to go in and say 'Hi'."

"Come on, if you're so keen on doing it, then you should do it first."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, or are you too much a Scaredy-Cat?"

"Well, I guess it can't be helped," Grimmjow said, a dangerous gleam came on his face.

Then, before anything could be said or done, Grimmjow rushed Nnoitora. The two Espada emerged into the aisle, dragging each other to Compartment 13, or trying to escape from the other. Ulquiorra and Tesla stood at the compartment's entrance and watched them.

"Shouldn't we try to stop them?" Tesla asked, worried for his Master's safety.

"No," Ulquiorra said, shaking his head. "We should just let them go about their business."

Even though Ulquiorra's face remained expressionless, inside, he was laughing.

_**The Men's Bathroom**_

Gin entered the men's bathroom. He didn't know how to feel now that Aizen stopped singing. A part of him felt sad because then he couldn't watch the Arrancars and Espada writhe and moan in pain. However, another part felt happy since he also became annoyed with Aizen's constant singing. However thoughts about that left when he saw Luppi at one of the sinks, washing his hands.

"Hey," Gin said, smiling.

"I must say that the Men's Room isn't as nice as the Ladies'," Luppi said. "You should visit if you want to have a much better experience."

"Well, I would like to," Gin said, really meaning it. "Unfortunately Nel and Harribel are in there and you know how they get."

"I know," Luppi said, whimpering. "Harribel, she…she forced me out. She…she…she called me a pervert," he said, wailing.

"There there, it's alright. I'm sure she's just going through that time of the month right now," Gin said, patting Luppi on the shoulder.

"I mean…just because I'm a guy for most of the month doesn't mean that I don't go through a more…feminine period," Luppi wailed and brought out a handkerchief from his pocket.

"Wait a minute," Gin said. "Are you saying that you're actually a woman at this present time?"

"Only for a couple of days," Luppi said.

"Damn, no wonder why everyone's confused about what gender you are."

"I know, and I'm just so…so fucking pissed about it," Luppi wailed. "I mean, I like using the Ladies' Room because it's always prettier than the Men's."

"Well, we'll just have to wait until Harribel and Nel are done before we can use the Women's Room," Gin said.

"I hope that you're not thinking of anything sinister," a voice said.

"What the…?" Gin said, looking for the source of the voice.

"Up here," the voice said again as one of the ceiling tiles was removed.

Tosen's upper body emerged from the opening and he let his braided hair hang down. Gin wondered how he was keeping from falling all the way through since his arms were folded across his chest. Gin couldn't help but think of the time when he saw Ulquiorra sleeping.

Most people think that Ulquiorra, even as an Arrancar, sleeps in a bed. However, this is not the case. Instead, he uses a pull-up bar at about ceiling level to sleep. Essentially, he sleeps like a bat with a black blanket folded about him like wings and a stuffed chibi bat named Rogue, which happened to look a lot like Rogue the Bat from _Sonic the Hedgehog_, clutched to his chest in his folded arms.

"If you are thinking of anything sinister," Tosen said, "I shall have to make a report to Lord Aizen."

"Aw, you're no fun, Kaname," Gin said, frowning.

"Yes I am," Tosen said. "However, duty always comes before fun. That is…"

"The way of Justice," Gin and Luppi said together.

"That is correct," Tosen said, "and don't forget it."

"Out of curiosity," Luppi said. "What are you doing up there?"

"I'm keeping watch for Lord Aizen," Tosen said as though it should have been obvious. "I must make sure that all of the others are on their best behavior."

"How can you possibly keep watch?" Gin asked. "YOU'RE BLIND!"

"The Path of Justice shows my way," saying as though it should have been perfectly obvious.

"You know," Luppi said. "Maybe the 'Path of Justice' got him lost and that's how he ended up on the roof."

"Or maybe he isn't really blind at all," Gin said.

Tosen looked as though he was about ready to tear them limb-from-limb, with purpose of course. After all, if you kill someone with purpose then that's Justice. They had mocked Justice and therefore they had to pay. Fortunately for Gin and Luppi, Grimmjow picked that moment to rush into the bathroom. Before the door closed, they heard Aizen singing "This is the Song That Never Ends".

"Ah, thank God," Grimmjow sighed. "Finally, a place where I don't have to listen to that asshole's voice."

"Grimmjow," Tosen said, allowing himself to drop and landed on his feet. "I didn't just hear you mocking Lord Aizen, did I?" he asked, drawing his Zanpakuto.

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAP!" Grimmjow screamed.

Gin and Luppi took advantage of the opportunity to make their escape.

_**Seireitei**_

"There's a train station in the Seireitei?" Toshiro asked.

"Of course there is, Captain," Rangiku replied as she leaned on the cart piled high with her luggage. "It's right here, isn't it?"

"NEMU, get a sample of that track right now," Mayuri said. "I want to know what it's made of right away."

"Yes sir," Nemu said as she jumped onto the tracks.

"Uh…I don't think she's supposed to do that," Izuru Kira said. "What if the train comes?"

"Then she'll destroy the train, simpleton," Mayuri said. "If she fails, then it proves that she's absolutely worthless."

Nemu cut a small piece out of the rail and jumped back onto the platform. She knelt in front of Mayuri and held out the metal for his evaluation.

"Nemu, analyze it," he said.

"At once, sir," she replied and popped the piece of metal into her mouth and swallowed. "Iron," she said after only a moment.

"Thank you, Nemu, you have satisfied my curiosity. Now, get the bags you worthless girl."

"Yes sir."

At that moment, Byakuya Kuchiki arrived with Renji trailing behind him carrying five suitcases as best he could manage. Byakuya took one look at the tracks and looked away, closing his eyes.

"Captain, are you alright?" Renji asked.

"I only want this to be over," Byakuya said. "What time is the train supposed to be here?"

"Uh…" Renji muttered, "I…I don't know, sir. Wouldn't Head Captain Yamamoto know that?"

"I am not on speaking terms with him at the present time, and I forbid you to even mention his name. Do I make myself clear in this matter, Renji?"

"Yes sir," Renji said.

_**Camp Smiley Express: Compartment 1**_

_"…One bottle of beer on the wall_

_One bottle of beer_

_Take it down and pass it around_

_No more bottles of beer on the WAAAAAALL!_"

Aizen and Luppi gave themselves a round of applause when they finished. They didn't hear the moans of relief coming from the other passengers.

"Thanks, Lord Aizen," Luppi said, smiling. "That was very fun."

"Well, you're welcome, Luppi. I thought it might cheer you up. Would you like to go another round?"

"No thanks," Luppi said. "I have to get back to my compartment. But, it really was fun."

"Well, come back anytime."

"Thanks sir," Luppi said as he left and closed the compartment door.

"Now, what should I do next?" Aizen muttered to himself. "Oh, I know."

He pulled out the latest edition of The National Inquirer, which was the only source of news for him. He was about to start reading about the kid in New Mexico who was born with batwings and a cat's tail when someone knocked at the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's me," Gin said.

"Gin, you know that you don't have to knock. Come in."

Gin opened the door slightly and looked around. When he saw that no one was inside, he stepped in and shut the door behind him. Aizen knew that it had to be something very serious if Gin wanted to make sure that they were alone. He hoped that it wasn't anything too serious.

"What's wrong, Gin? Tell Father Aizen everything."

"Well, you see, sir," Gin said. "It's about Tosen."

"Oh, and what is it about Tosen that troubles you, my son?" he asked, sounding like a Catholic priest in the confessional.

"Well, you see…I…I think he might not be blind."

"I see," Aizen said. "Have you talked with Brother Tosen about this?"

"He…dodges the subject," Gin said. "But, do you remember that time we had guests?"

"Yes," Aizen said, remembering when Ichigo, Chad, Uryu, Rukia, and Renji came over for a sleep-over with Orihime.

"Well, when I went in to monitor their progress, I saw…I saw Tosen sitting in front of the screen WATCHING them. Then, another time, when I went to see how the Gillians were doing in the Menos Forest, I saw Tosen there, watching them…through a pair of binoculars."

"Ah…and I suppose you didn't think that Tosen was wearing his special Justice Glasses, did you?"

"What?" Gin asked, somewhat taken aback by this bit of information.

"Oh yes, you see, Tosen needs special Justice Glasses. It's the only way he can make anything out. You see, the Path of Justice guides him and allows him to see the path ahead. Without his special Justice Glasses, he's very much blind."

"But then, when he wears them, how can he say that he's blind?"

"Because," Aizen said, talking to Gin as if he was only a child. "Justice shows him what's going on in his mind, but his eyes cannot see it. He can see, but he's still blind. Do you understand?"

"Uh, no," Gin said, thinking that Aizen just made the whole thing up.

"Well…don't worry about it," Aizen said, smiling. "Now, would you like a turn at the microphone?"

_**Camp Smiley Orientation Lodge**_

Ichigo was relieved to be off of that hideous bus. However, when he saw the building they were going to, his jaw dropped. It was a one story building painted in alternating lines of bright pink, sunshine yellow, and lavender. The wind chimes that hung on the porch all showed fat cherubs playing harps or lounging nudes.

_Seriously, what is with these people?_

Ichigo shook his head and tried to look away at the lodge, only to look at a tall picket fence that was painted fire-engine red with stripes of hot pink and powder blue. He seriously considered ripping his eyeballs form his eyes.

"Ah, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD, you're all HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE," someone said in a phony British nanny accent that sounded as if it came straight from Monty Python.

Ichigo opened his eyes and saw a man wearing high heels and a British nanny outfit, complete with carpet bag, hat, and opened umbrella. The group looked at him, but then Orihime, Chizuru, and Rukia burst out in applause. The man curtsied to them.

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO, my name's Marty Poppins. I'm going to be your Orientation Instructor. If you would follow me PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE. First things first, I want you all to get into your uniform and then we'll take the boat over to the main campus."

"Wait a minute," Uryu said. "The camp is on an island?"

"That's RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT, young MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN. Now, I'll show you to the changing rooms where you can get into your uniforms and then we'll get started."

Ichigo had a bad feeling about this. Marty showed the girls their changing room and then gestured for the guys to follow him. Uryu and Ichigo looked at each other. He could tell that Uryu wasn't feeling very comfortable either.

When Marty opened the door to the men's changing room, Ichigo felt his mouth drop to the ground.

"You've…" Ichigo said.

"…got…" Uryu said.

"…to be…" Keigo said.

"…KIDDING!" they all shouted.

_**Camp Smiley Express: Compartment 7**_

"I swear to God," Harribel said, "if that guy tries to hit on me one more time, I'm gonna kick his wrinkly old ass."

Harribel was sitting with her three fraccions in the compartment across from 17, where Starrk tried to sleep. She remembered how a few minutes ago, Aizen read an article on UFOs abducting sharks from Sea World. Harribel, while not appreciating this abuse on sharks, was at least thankful that he wasn't going into another annoying sing-along. Now, however, he was reading the _Twilight Series_ to them.

"Well, you know," Sung-Sun said. "If you look up 'Creepy Old Man' in the Dictionary, you'll see a picture of Baraggan right beside it."

"I heard that," an old gruff voice said.

The three immediately looked around until Sung-Sun glared into the luggage rack where Baraggan's head seemed to float in mid-air. Harribel growled and threw a shoe at the old man. Baraggan yelped in pain and landed with a thud on the floor.

"Damn that hurt," he muttered as he took off some kind of cloak and began rubbing his forehead.

"You spying sack of shit," Harribel said, her eyes narrowed in rage.

"Oh shit," Baraggan muttered.

"Get…your ancient ass…OUT OF HERE!" she yelled and kicked Baraggan out of their compartment.

"HOW DARE YOU DEFY THE GOD OF HUECO MUNDO?" Baraggan roared, remembering that he was supposed to be the God-King of Hueco Mundo. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!"

"STAY OUT!" Harribel roared after him.

"What's all the shouting about?" Starrk asked as he emerged from his compartment, which was across the way.

"Oh, that creep Baraggan was spying on us," Harribel said, blushing. "I'm sorry if I disturbed you."

"Don't apologize," Starrk said, yawning. "I can't sleep with THAT going on," he said and gestured to the loudspeaker where Aizen's voice was now informing them about a relationship between some Vampire named Edward and some girl named Bella Swan.

"WHO GIVES A FUCK?" Nnoitora roared from Compartment 15.

"NO SHIT," Grimmjow roared. "SHUT UP! STOP READING _TWILIGHT_ TO US YOU SADISTIC FUCK!"

"At least he is not showing us those God-forsaken films," Ulquiorra said.

"_After I finish reading this marvelous novel, the feature film will begin. It is one of the best films ever made,_" Aizen informed them over the loudspeakers. "_It is called_ Twilight_._"

"I…am…going…to…kill…myself," Ulquiorra moaned.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the others roared, with a few exceptions, namely Luppi and Szayel Aporro.

"Do you think he will?" Harribel asked.

"I doubt it," Starrk said. "He hasn't killed himself yet."

"I think that's because Aizen locked away all of the sharp objects, ropes, and anything else we can use to kill ourselves. Also, he nailed all of the windows shut," Sung-Sun said as she stepped out into the hall. "Oh, Baraggan was using this thing to hide from us."

Harribel took the cloak from her and looked at it. She saw a tag on it and read it.

"Who's Harry Potter?" she asked.

"I don't…" Sung-Sun began when there was a loud crashing noise coming from the front.

They turned and saw Wonderweiss wrestling with Gin out of Compartment 2. Gin grabbed hold of the little Arrancar and was able to throw him off. However, Wonderweiss jumped into the air and kicked Gin in the face, sending the ex-Captain flying until he hit the door at the other end.

"You…little…brat," Gin panted.

"HWAAH AWWWWWW, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Wonderweiss screamed and dashed at him.

"I guess he wasn't too happy that Gin decided to enter his and Tosen's territory," Mila Rose said and looked at Tosen who was only leaning in the entryway to Compartment 2, his arms folded across his chest.

"Can he actually see what's going on?" Apacci asked, noticing the smirk on Tosen's face.

"I've been wondering about that myself," Lilynette said.

At that moment, the door to Compartment 1 slid open and Aizen walked out. All eyes, which were once fixed on Gin and Wonderweiss, turned to look at Aizen. Aizen stood over Gin and Wonderweiss. He crossed his arms and began to tap his foot as he looked at them.

"Wonderweiss stop beating up Gin," he said.

Wonderweiss immediately stopped and rushed to Tosen. He then ducked behind Tosen and peered around Tosen's side while Tosen stroked his head. Gin got up and brushed himself off, grinning. Then, Gin's grin faded as he saw the look on Aizen's face.

"Gin, Wonderweiss," he said. "The two of you must be punished for misbehaving in such a manner."

"WUAAAYHAAA!" Wonderweiss cried, clutching even tighter to Tosen.

"But…but…Lord Aizen…he…"

"I don't want to hear any excuses, Gin. I'm ashamed of you right now. You're in my central group and as such you're to set an example for the others. What kind of example do you think you were setting by fighting with Wonderweiss in the hall like that? For your misbehavior, you are to go to Compartment 10 and spend an hour alone."

"But…"

"If you continue to try to make excuses, then I'll have to send you to…Compartment 20. Do you want that?"

Gin swallowed and shook his head.

"I thought not," Aizen continued. "Wonderweiss, you're to spend the remainder of the trip with me in Command Central. The rest of you are to return to your compartments."

After Tosen led Wonderweiss into Compartment 1 and Aizen slid the door shut, the others made their way back to the compartments. Gin slunk his way to Compartment 10 and went inside, but not without looking at Compartment 20 with a shudder.

"I wonder what that was about," Starrk muttered.

"I know," Grimmjow said approaching them. "What do ya think is in there?"

"I must admit," Ulquiorra said. "I find myself curious of as to what is in Compartment 20. After all, Aizen did tell us it was already occupied."

"Maybe it's haunted," Nnoitora said, grinning, as he approached them with Tesla close behind.

"I don't really care," Harribel said as she went back into her compartment with her three fraccion close behind.

"Screw her," Grimmjow said.

"Ha, you wish," Nnoitora said, grinning.

"Whatever," Grimmjow replied, not really paying attention to what Nnoitora said. "Do you want to know what's in there or not?"

"Damn right, I do," Nnoitora said.

"Well…there's only one thing to do," Starrk said.

"That is correct," Ulquiorra said.

"It'll be dangerous," Nnoitora said, licking his lips.

"And it'll be scary," Lilynette said.

"It'll be risky," Grimmjow said.

"But, it'll be worth it," Starrk said.

"We must send Tesla in," they all declared at once.

"YEAH!" he cried out and then realized what they were suggesting. "Wait…what…what do you mean I have to go in?" he asked. "Why me?"

"'Cause," Nnoitora said, putting his arm around Tesla's shoulder. "You're the lowest ranking one here."

"What about Lilynette? Isn't she lower ranking than me?"

"Coward," Starrk said. "Would you seriously put a child's life at risk?"

"Yeah…wait…what was that?" Lilynette asked, glaring at Starrk.

"It only makes logical sense," Ulquiorra said. "Lilynette is a part of Starrk and she is therefore ranked as an Espada. You're the only fraccion here."

"I was gonna say that it's because he's a fucking goody two-shoes, but…that reason works too," Nnoitora said.

"Wait a minute, shouldn't I have some rope?" Tesla asked. "Ya know, in case something happens."

"That's a good idea, but…where is the rope?" Starrk asked.

"Oh, I have some," Ulquiorra said. "I figured I should bring some in case I actually got the nerve to hang myself. I'll be right back."

"Huh…so he did have rope," Grimmjow said.

"But, when did he pack it? We left on spur of the moment," Starrk said.

"Silly all of us brought bags with us with some of our stuff," Nnoitora said.

"Oh, that's right," Starrk said, remembering the bag he brought with him from Las Noches that had some clothes, a couple of books, and his favorite comfort item: a stuffed wolf named Holo.

It didn't take long for Ulquiorra to return. He had a bundle of rope wound around his shoulder. When he reached them he lowered the rope and held out one end to Tesla. Tesla hesitated before taking it and then wound part of the rope around his waist before tying it. He looked at Compartment 20 and sighed.

"Alright…I…I'm ready," he said.

"That's my brave Tesla," Nnoitora said sarcastically. "Now, get your ass moving," he said and gave Tesla a shove.

"O-o-okay," he stammered before sliding the door to Compartment 20 open and going in.

Starrk fed out the rope while Ulquiorra and Grimmjow kept a loose grip on it in case something happened and they could pull Tesla to safety. A couple of minutes passed when they noticed a certain oversized Espada coming towards them.

"Yammy is approaching," Ulquiorra said. "Keep perfectly still. Yammy will not be interested in you if you do not move, and do not make eye contact."

"Damn it," Grimmjow muttered as Yammy continued his approach.

Fortunately, Ulquiorra was right. Yammy took one look at them and seeing that they were standing still, got bored and walked away. They breathed a sigh of relief.

"That was close," Nnoitora said.

The others nodded, but before anyone else could say anything, there came a loud shriek and the sound of Tesla falling to the floor.

"OH SHIT!" Nnoitora screamed.

"Quick, drag him back," Ulquiorra said in his monotonous voice.

They heaved back on the rope and Tesla was dragged back into the hall. When Tesla's body was by them, Nnoitora knelt beside him and started slapping him and shaking him.

"Snap out of it, damn it," Nnoitora said, rather angry that his fraccion showed such weakness.

"Uh," Tesla moaned.

"Quick, tell us," Grimmjow said, lifting Tesla up into a sitting position by his collar. "What did you see?"

Tesla's eyes opened slightly. For a moment he only looked at them as if unable to remember anything that happened. Then, like Colonel Kurtz in the film _Apocalypse Now_, he breathed out four words:

"The Horror. The Horror."

**End of Chapter 2**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Oh boy, I wonder what can be so horrible as to cause Tesla say some of the most famous last words ever said. You'll have to wait until Chapter 3 gets put up.**

**Ulquiorra: Why did you mention my sleeping habbits? Also, why did you mention my Rogue plushie?**

**Starrk: Why did you mention my Holo? Also, why are you calling yourself Coyote Starrk when I'm Coyote Starrk?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Enough questions, get back to your positions for the next chapter. That's it for now.**

**Lawyer: You mentioned copyrighted characters, so you better read this. (hands over piece of paper)**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Look, I'm not gonna read that. I'm gonna make a blanket statement right here and now so I don't have to bother with you anymore. I don't own any and all copyrighted characters or titles or anything with the copyright stamp next to it. There, are you satisfied?**

**Lawyer: I'm quite satisfied. Now then, for you dear readers, thank you for reading and please review.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: THAT'S MY LINE YOU BLOOD-SUCKING LAWYER!**


	3. Chapter 3: The Horror Part Two

**Bleach Summer Camp**

**Chapter 3: "The Horror" (Part 2)**

"Quick, tell us," Grimmjow said, lifting Tesla up into a sitting position by his collar. "What did you see?"

Tesla's eyes opened slightly. For a moment he only looked at them as if unable to remember anything that happened. Then, like Colonel Kurtz in the film _Apocalypse Now_, he breathed out four words:

"The Horror. The Horror."

"That doesn't tell us anything," Nnoitora muttered.

"Of course it does, trash," Ulquiorra said. "It tells us that whatever is in that compartment is horrible."

"We've come this far," Starrk said. "We need to find out what's in there now. I suggest that we send in another team. This time we'll send in two people that way we double our chances of success."

"Ha, I'm not afraid of any 'The Horror'," Grimmjow said. "I'll go."

"I will go as well," Ulquiorra said before Nnoitora could say anything.

"That's good, because…honestly, I would really rather not go," Starrk said and yawned.

"But you're the one who suggested it," Lilynette muttered.

"We'll keep a hold on the rope in case you two run into trouble," Nnoitora said, clearly not too happy about being left out.

"Thanks," Grimmjow said as he picked up the rope. "But, I don't think I'll need it."

"I do not need to tie myself with the rope. I am confident that I will retain my composure and not faint," Ulquiorra said as he rejected the bit of rope that Grimmjow held out to him. "Unlike some of us," he gave Grimmjow a look that said _such as you_.

"Right, because you're so Emo," Grimmjow said, snarling.

"No, it is because I am an Espada and you are just trash."

"What was that?"

"Would you two stop arguing and just go if you're going?" Starrk said.

"Fine, but this isn't over yet, Bat Boy."

"I think it is, Blue-Kitty."

"Good luck," Lilynette said as the two opened the door to Compartment 20 and stepped in.

_**Seireitei**_

"I will have your attention," Yamamoto said as he struck the platform with his staff.

At once, the Captains and the officers who would be going to Camp Smiley lined up in front of the tall pile of luggage behind them. Yamamoto was not surprised to find that Rangiku's pile of luggage alone towered over Captain Komamura. And he wasn't surprised to see that Byakuya had his eyes closed and appeared as if he was gritting his teeth.

"You have our attention, sir," Shuhei said.

"Excellent," Yamamoto said. "The train shall be arriving in about an hour and we will be on it for about six hours before we reach our destination. I trust that you will all use the Buddy System…"

"WHAT?" Mayuri shrieked. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'BUDDY SYSTEM'? We are all Officers in the Gotei. We don't need to use the 'Buddy System'."

"OF COURSE YOU DO!" Yamamoto shouted and held out his staff. Immediately the top part of his staff seemed to fall away to reveal the hilt of Ryujin Jakka. Mayuri immediately backed away and began to sweat as he put Nemu in front of him like a shield. "You will use the Buddy System since you have proven that you are unable to be trusted to act on your own. Besides, I don't want anyone to get lost before we arrive at the Camp."

"Or try to run away," Byakuya muttered. "This is an even greater disgrace to the noble and honorable House Kuchiki."

"I'm sure it won't be that bad, sir," Renji whispered and then saw the glare that Byakuya was giving him. "Shutting up now, sir."

"Good."

"Now then, I want you all to get together with your partners," Yamamoto said as he allowed his staff to close over Ryujin Jakka.

It took a while for them to get in their Buddy Systems, mostly because Sentaro and Kiyone were arguing over who would be buddies with Ukitake. However, this was remedied when Unohana stepped in and said she would be partners with Ukitake and she gave her _other_ smile as she said it, which pretty much made it official. Sui-Feng didn't even bother, although she wished that Omaeda would just drop dead as he was talking a mile a minute about how much fun they would have. Kiyone ended up with her sister, Isane while Sentaro got stuck with Chojiro (a.k.a.: Lieutenant I-Don't-Know-Who-You-Are) and pretty much began to blend into the background because of it. This would have made it easier for Sentaro to sneak away, but unfortunately Ukitake would still be going and he wasn't going to leave his captain or pass up the opportunity to show Kiyone who was the most loyal.

"Oh Captain," Rangiku said. "Would you like to be my Buddy?"

"No," Toshiro muttered. "It's bad enough that I have to put up with you 24/7 as my Lieutenant. I don't really need to endure another 24/7 as your 'Buddy'."

"Aw, don't be that way."

"Why don't you ask Shuhei or Izuru?"

"Because…I want to be Buddies with you," Rangiku said, pouting.

Toshiro, seeing that there was only one way out of it, grabbed Momo as she was looking for someone to be 'Buddies' with.

"Sorry, Rangiku," Toshiro said, "but Momo's already agreed to be my 'Buddy'."

"I…I did?" Momo asked, not understanding what was going on, as usual.

"Humph, fine, I'll go ask Shuhei," Rangiku said and stormed off. "HEY, SHUHEI, YOU'RE WITH ME!"

"I…I AM?" Shuhei shrieked, sounding like the happiest guy in the world.

"Alright, everyone, line up with your Buddy," Yamamoto ordered. "Remember, you are responsible for your own luggage, and that includes carrying it," he said and all eyes turned to Rangiku.

"Don't worry, I'll carry it for you," Shuhei said, grinning.

"Oh thanks," Rangiku said. "I knew I could count on you," she said and gestured to the mountain of luggage on the cart.

"The things I do for love," Shuhei groaned.

"Now, I should mention that the place we're going to," Yamamoto said, "is a nudist camp and as such clothing is optional."

The reactions were various. Kyoraku smiled and looked at Nanao, who looked absolutely shocked and scandalized, out of the corner of his eye, imagining her running into the surf naked. Mayuri only shrugged his shoulders as though it was not real big deal while his "Daughter-Clone" had absolutely no reaction at all. Unohana looked at Ukitake, who was blushing, and smiled at the thought of seeing him naked, even though she saw the photos that Kiyone and Sui-Feng took for their little project and even now had them with her along with Isane's camera. Isane looked very self-conscious and tried to hide behind her captain. Komamura howled and panted with glee and if anyone cared to look they would see his tail wagging with glee. Most of the men looked at Rangiku, hoping to finally get a chance to see her naked. Chojiro and Sentaro…well who cares about their reaction since Sentaro was reduced to the status of background character just by being paired off with Chojiro. Toshiro and Byakuya looked as though they found out that they had to go to Mayuri for a physical or that they were to be sent to Hell (although both are technically the same thing).

"The Horror…The Horror," Toshiro muttered. He did not know that at that exact same moment, Tesla was muttering the same words on the Camp Smiley Express. If he had, he would have immediately gone into his Bankai and frozen Yamamoto where he stood before the Head Captain had time to react.

"This…is…the greatest dishonor…ever to be dealt…on the noble and honorable House Kuchiki," Byakuya moaned.

_**Camp Smiley Express**_

"UUUUAAAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAAAAAH HAAAAAAAAAAAA…"

Starrk shut his eyes while Nnoitora put his fingers in his ears. Lilynette only glared in the direction of Compartment 1.

"I thought that Aizen was supposed to be punishing Wonderweiss for earlier," Lilynette said. "So why does he think we have to be punished as well?"

"I have no idea," Starrk groaned.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Nnoitora screamed. "GET THAT FUCKING THING OFF THE FUCKING INTERCOM!"

"That is enough, Nnoitora," Tosen said as he entered the hall. "There is meaning to Wonderweiss's words."

"Oh really," Nnoitora said. "Listen to him all he does is…"

"AAAAAAUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"…is make annoying noises like that," Nnoitora finished and cocked his thumb to the speaker as if to make his point.

"It is something that only those who are pure may be allowed to understand," Tosen said as he walked off.

"Uh…okay," Lilynette said.

"I hope that it'll end soon," Starrk muttered.

_**Compartment 20**_

"We must tread carefully," Ulquiorra whispered to Grimmjow.

"Yeah…no shit," Grimmjow said as he stubbed his toe on an old filing cabinet. He was about to yell in pain when Ulquiorra clapped his hand over his mouth.

"Keep quiet, trash," Ulquiorra said. "Whatever is in here will be made known to our presence."

Grimmjow was about to say something, but then the image of Tesla's frightened face floated to the surface. He kept his mouth shut, but proceeded to grit his teeth. They looked at the compartment they were in. It was about the size of the others, but was filled with all sorts of odds and ends. There were filing cabinets and clothing racks that had all matters of dresses that looked like something from a Vegas showgirl's wardrobe. There was a pile of old computer equipment in one corner and a robot with the name Andy sitting in a seat, one of its eyes looked to have been shot out.

"This is frickin' weird," Grimmjow muttered.

"I must say. I do not see anything here that would cause Tesla to react like that."

"Maybe he got scared by the mess, I mean he's nothing more than a giant walking…"

Before Grimmjow could finish, they heard something move behind the wall of filing cabinets. Ulquiorra and Grimmjow looked in the direction, but only saw the tall wall before them.

"WHO'S THERE?" Grimmjow shouted. "SHOW YOURSELF OR ELSE WE'LL COME IN THERE AND DRAG YOU OUT!"

"You really want me to show myself?" a muffled voice asked.

"DAMN RIGHT!" Grimmjow shouted.

"Alright," the voice said again.

Grimmjow and Ulquiorra looked as one of the filing cabinets was pushed over. The dust on the ground puffed up and hid the figure from them. However, when the dust cleared, Grimmjow and Ulquiorra felt their mouths fall open and their eyes pop out. A sudden urge to claw out their eyes came over them like a wave. However, Ulquiorra was quick to recover.

"RUN!" he shouted, afraid.

The two ran.

_**Camp Smiley Express Hallway**_

"Ah, my head," Tesla said as he recovered.

Nnoitora rushed to Tesla and pulled him up by his collar.

"What did you see?" he snarled.

"Oh…Master Nnoitora, it was…it was…it was horrible," Tesla muttered.

"WE ALREADY KNOW THAT!" Nnoitora shrieked. "Now answer me so that way I can kill it for making my fraccion look like a weakling and make me look like a fool. WHAT DID YOU SEE?"

"I saw…I saw…oh sweet Aizen, I'll be having nightmares about it for years."

"I don't see how that's possible," Lilynette said. "I mean, what's the worst thing that could be on a train?"

At that moment they heard footsteps rushing out of Compartment 20 and down the hall. They turned and saw Grimmjow and Ulquiorra rushing over each other to get away from something that was coming behind them. Tesla's eyes widened in horror and he raised a shaky hand and pointed.

"THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" he shrieked.

His shrieks caused all of the other compartments, except for Compartment 1 to slide open and heads poked out. When they saw Grimmjow and Ulquiorra rushing down the hall, at least until Ulquiorra slid into one of the other compartments, they turned and saw what they were running from.

"What…"

"…the Hell…"

"…is…"

"…THAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" they all screamed.

What they saw is guaranteed to drive anyone insane. It was a sight so hideous that it would make whoever saw it either want to claw out their eyes or laugh until they died or a combination of both. There are some things in the Universe that are best left never seen and yet once you see them, you can never un-see them. This was one of those things.

"Wait for me my darlings," the figure dressed in a very small and very tight sparkly silver Vegas showgirl outfit with large purple tail feathers and a tall purple feather headdress and silver high-heels, called out. "I the lovely beautiful exotic erotic systematic brilliant radiant dim-wittedly intelligent sexy sexy Charlotte Cuuhlhourne only wanted to talk and make sweet love to you sexy sexy boys."

Screams filled the hallway. Nnoitora shrieked and ran in a random direction. Starrk covered Lilynette's eyes and slid back into Compartment 17. The hallway became filled with the chaos of Arrancars rushing from one compartment to another, making the train's hall look like something from a Three Stooge's routine or a chase scene in an old episode of Scooby-Doo. For the first time the entire trip, the loud speakers were drowned out.

Charlotte watched the entire scene and smirked.

"Hmm, I never got _that_ reaction before," he said and with a shake of his tail feathers strutted back to Compartment 20 like a model on the runway.

Harribel took the opportunity that the chaos provided to sneak into Compartment 17. Outside, Mila Rose shrieked in horror.

"OH AIZEN WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED US?" she shouted.

"No shit, I thought that Aizen would do us all a favor and make Cuuhlhourne have a little 'accident' by now," Apacci growled as the two ran into Compartment 11.

When the noise died down, Aizen stuck his head out of his compartment and looked around.

"Hmm, I thought I heard something. Oh well, it was probably nothing," he said and closed the door, grinning.

_**Compartment 13**_

"Holy shit," Grimmjow panted. "That was close."

"YAAAUAAAAAH"

Grimmjow opened his eyes and saw Wonderweiss, who must have escaped from Aizen in the chaos, sitting on one side.

"Hello," Zommari said.

"Oh God," he moaned and saw the Three (or Four) Freaks of the Apocalypse sitting with Wonderweiss and Baraggan. "Where am I?"

"Compartment 13," Szayel Aporro said as he adjusted his glasses.

"You…none of you moved?" he asked, shocked.

"**There was…**" Aaroniero began.

"…_no need,_" Arruruerie finished.

"I'm only here because I got shoved in here," Baraggan said.

"Yeah right…I bet you couldn't remember which compartment you were in originally," Grimmjow muttered. "WAIT A MINUTE," Grimmjow cried out, suddenly remembered. "Cuuhlhourne's a part of your fraccion. Didn't you know he was even here?"

"Of course I did," Baraggan said. "Aizen asked for him to accompany him to help pick out the train. Why else do you think we got this monstrosity?"

"I should have known," Grimmjow moaned.

"Please, have a seat," Szayel Aporro said and patted the seat next to him.

"Uh…no thanks," Grimmjow said and tried to open the door, but it wouldn't budge.

"The door must have gotten stuck," Zommari said in his usual calm manner.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Grimmjow screamed.

_**Compartment 7**_

Ulquiorra looked and saw that he and Sung-Sun were the only two occupants in the compartment he slid into. The two looked at each other.

"Hmm, I must have entered Compartment 7 then," Ulquiorra muttered.

"Yes," Sung-Sun said. "Mistress Harribel took advantage of the chaos outside to slip into Compartment 17 with Starrk. I would have followed but she told me to stay here. As for the two idiots I work with…I have no knowledge of their whereabouts and I have no interest."

"I see," Ulquiorra said as he sat down. "I only slid in here because it made the most logical sense to slip into any compartment to get away from that…monstrosity."

"Smart thinking," Sung-Sun said as she dug into her bag. "I'm not surprised that neither Apacci nor Mila Rose brought any of their belongings with them. Would you care for a piece of toffee?" she asked and held out a bag of the hard candy to him.

"Don't mind if I do," Ulquiorra said and took one.

"_Attention all Arrancars,_" Aizen's voice rang out over the loudspeaker.

"Oh please, just leave us alone," Ulquiorra groaned.

"_We'll be stopping in about thirty minutes to pick up the other group coming with us to Camp Smiley. In the meantime…I just came up with a great idea for the Old MacDonald song!_"

"No…no…no more," Ulquiorra groaned.

"_Old MacDonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-O,_" Aizen began.

"Didn't he have enough of this?" Sung-Sun asked.

"_And on this farm he had a Grimmjow…_"

"AIZEN, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Grimmjow cried out. There was a loud snapping noise as Grimmjow finally got the door to Compartment 13 opened. Ulquiorra and Sung-Sun looked at each other and began to laugh.

"_With a meow-meow here and a meow-meow there…_"

"AIZEN!" Grimmjow yelled. "I'M A FREAKIN' PANTHER; NOT A STUPID CAT!"

"Aw, is poo' widdle Gwim-Kitty mad?" Nnoitora asked as he poked his head out of Compartment 8 where he was hiding with Tesla, Loly, and Nel. "Would he like a saucer of milk or some catnip?"

"Shut up, Spoon-Boy," Grimmjow growled. "I'll kill you after I get done with Aizen."

"_And on this farm he had an Ulquiorra, EE-I-EE-I-O,_" Aizen sang.

As soon as he heard his name mentioned, Ulquiorra rushed out and began banging on the door.

"Aizen, I am warning you…" Ulquiorra said. His emerald-green eyes were narrowed and sparked with rage.

"_With a flap-flap here and a flap- flap there…_" Aizen sang.

"That does it. Grimmjow, please stand back," he said and pointed at the door.

"_Now now Ulquiorra, that won't work,_" Aizen sang. "_You don't have your powers…here a flap, there a flap, everywhere a flap-flap…remember?_"

"Damn it," Ulquiorra moaned.

"WAAAH" Wonderweiss said from behind them.

They turned and saw Tosen coming their way. He was now wearing a pink, lacy apron and carried a ladle that dripped with something that they didn't even want to know what it was.

"What are you doing out of your compartments?" Tosen asked. "Wonderweiss, come here please, you can sit with me."

Wonderweiss let out a hoot of gratitude and rushed to Tosen's side. Ulquiorra and Grimmjow used that opportunity to rush into Compartment 11. They fell over each other and landed on the floor.

"Looks like we got company," Menoly said.

"We just escaped Tosen," Grimmjow said, getting up.

"Indeed," Ulquiorra said. "You know, I am beginning to think that Gin might be right about him."

"Yeah, I bet he just uses his blindness as an excuse to sneak into the woman's shower room," Mila Rose said.

"Yeah, he did that a couple of times already," Apacci said. "He tried to explain that it was because the 'Path of Justice' led him there. I didn't buy it, so I beat him up."

"You're kidding," Menoly said. "Come to think of it, he did do that when Loly and I were in there taking our showers."

"That does it, the next time I see him try anything like that, I'm gonna beat that pervert to a pulp," Mila Rose growled.

"I have it on good authority," Ulquiorra said. "That there are other male Arrancars who pay visits to the women's shower room whenever any of the female Arrancars are in there showering. Two, namely Cuuhlhourne and Luppi, go in there because they are somewhat confused about their gender."

"Yeah, well, I think that everyone's confused about Luppi's gender," Mila Rose said. "Hell, even Luppi's confused about his own gender. As for Cuuhlhourne…we just avoid it all together when he's in there."

"Whoa whoa," Apacci said. "You mentioned that there are male Arrancars who actually come into the women's shower room whenever any of us girls are in there. Who are these frickin' perverts?"

"Well…" Ulquiorra muttered, wondering if he made a dreadful mistake in bringing it up. He was saved when Aizen's voice cut in.

_**Compartment 17**_

Harribel smiled as she stroked Starrk's head, which was on her lap as he took a nap. Lilynette was lying on the floor and read the latest tankabon of _White-Out_. She read with fascination as Berry and his partner Chappy met with the Fullbringers of the mysterious Xcution Squad. They were able to ignore Aizen's continuous use of the intercom because Starrk found an iHome system in the hall that must have fallen out of Compartment 20 in the midst of the confusion.

As a result, they were able to hook up Lilynette's iPod, which Starrk also used, and were listening to Roy Orbison singing "Only the Lonely" when Aizen's voice cut in.

"_We are about to stop to pick up the other group who will be coming with us. We will be stopped for forty-five minutes before we get moving again. If you need to stretch your legs, it would be the perfect time. I trust that you will all be on your best behavior._"

Then, for the first time in hours, the intercom system became quiet.

"Thank Aizen that's over with," Harribel muttered and then realized what she just said and chuckled.

"That's what happens when your boss is someone with a god-complex," Lilynette said as she turned the page. "WHOA! He can turn his medallion into a broadsword? That's so COOL!"

"What's cool?" Starrk asked as he got up and stretched. He then looked at where he had been lying and he blushed. "Oh…sorry Bel, I didn't realize that I was...uh."

"Sleeping on my lap?"

"Uh...yeah," Starrk said, rubbing his head.

"It's alright," Harribel said, smiling at him.

"Huh, we're slowing down," Starrk said.

"Yeah, we'll be picking up the other group that will be coming with us," Harribel said.

"Hmm, I wonder what kind of people they are," Starrk muttered.

"I hope they're nice," Lilynette said.

_**Seireitei**_

"Ooh, here it comes," Rangiku said and pointed.

The others turned and only saw the front of the train heading towards them. However, even then that was enough for most. Komamura snarled at the thing and crouched on all fours. Byakuya looked as if he would have a heart attack at any moment. Kyoraku however, grinned even more. Charging right at them, attached to the front of the train like a ship's figurehead, was a gold sculpture of a male and female nude entwined in an embrace.

"Ooh, I love their taste in decoration," Rangiku said, her eyes gleaming.

"Hey Kenny, are those two figures fighting?" Yachiru asked.

"Oh yeah," Kenpachi said, grinning. "And it looks like they're killing each other. I might actually enjoy this."

"Uh…I don't think they're fighting, Captain," Ikkaku said.

"Hmm, this is a most beautiful sight," Yumichika said. "I hope that the rest of the train matches."

When the rest of the train came into view, those who thought it beautiful only became more excited. Yumichika's smile broadened into a grin and his eyes grew wide and twinkled with awe and joy. Ikkaku looked as if he was about to be sick. Kenpachi only looked confused at the sight of the brightly-colored animals and smiley faces and grinned thinking that they would be hunting these beasts and hoped that some of them would bring a challenge. Rangiku looked as if she was about to rush at the train and hug it. Byakuya simply fainted.

"Ah, good, transportation fit for the Gotei," Yamamoto said, grinning.

"You have got to be kidding," Toshiro grumbled.

"Uh…I think someone needs to give this a better paint job," Ukitake said, unable to comprehend exactly what he was looking at.

"Hmm, perhaps I should see if the person who thought of this paint scheme needs some medical attention," Unohana said.

"This is quite festive," Kyoraku said, grinning. "I like it."

"Of course you would," Nanao growled.

"Alright everyone," Yamamoto said as the train came to a complete stop. "Line up with your Buddy. That way we can make sure that everything goes smoothly."

They lined up with their luggage in front of the sliding doors. They could see someone standing at the sliding doors, ready to greet them. Yamamoto smiled. Then the doors slid open.

"Well, you must be our travelling companions," Aizen said, his eyes shut as he held out his arms in greeting as he stepped onto the platform. "It is truly a pleasure and I'm sure that the others will be glad to have…someone…else…to…talk…to," he muttered as he saw the staring, gape-jawed faces of his former colleagues. "Oh…uh…ahem…right…"

Gin stood behind him and his grin widened even more.

"My," he said, "this is rather awkward."

**End of Chapter 3**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Oh boy, talk about awkward.**

**Lawyer: Indeed, even having to stand up in court without any pants on isn't this awkward.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Wait, what are you doing here? I thought I was able to get rid of you.**

**Lawyer: Well, I'm just having too much fun here. Oh, and you need to make sure that you're not held responsible for causing anyone any physical or mental damage or distraught.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: If you're talking about the thing with Cuuhlhourne, they can bring legal action against Aizen for creating him in the first place.**

**Lawyer:...**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Fine. I'm not responsible for any and all distress or damage, whether physical or mental or spiritual or whatever, this story causes. Are you happy?**

**Lawyer: Oh yes.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Then get out of here before I lock you in Compartment 20 with Cuuhlhourne.**

**Lawyer: As for you...**

**Cuuhlhourne: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk and Lawyer: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! (Runs away)**

**Cuuhlhourne: Hmm, that's something new. Anyways, sexy sexy readers, thank you for reading and please leave a sexy sexy review. Or else I'll go into Reina de Rosas and do my Beautiful Charlotte Cuuhlhourne's Final Holy Wonderful Pretty Super Magnum Sexy Sexy Glamourous...CERO!**

**Yumichika: THAT'S A NORMAL CERO?**


	4. Chapter 4: The Last Six Hours

**Bleach Summer Camp**

**Chapter 4: The Last Six Hours**

Aizen and Yamamoto stared at each other, their mouths gaped open.

Starrk looked at the two and sighed as he rubbed his head. Harribel shook her head. Nnoitora and Grimmjow were grinning, hoping that Yamamoto would finally kill off the bastard who made their lives a living Hell for the past few hours. As Byakuya recovered from fainting and saw the two nemesis glaring at each other, he found himself torn over who he wanted to see die the most and decided that it would be best if they just killed each other off.

"My," Gin said, "this is awkward."

"What…are…you…DOING HERE?" Yamamoto shouted.

"Hmm, maybe I should loan my glasses to you," Aizen said, smirking. "Maybe then you would see that I and my companions are going to Camp Smiley. Oh…I forgot…those weren't even real glasses."

"That does it," Yamamoto growled. "Get ready. Put all of your spirit on the line and crush them here. Even if your flesh is ripped from your bone, you must stand firm. You must not let them, Aizen and his allies, take a single step into the Soul Society. Now…ATTACK!"

"Uh…technically...we're already walking in the Soul Society," Lilynette said.

"Huh?" Yamamoto asked as he looked at Starrk's other half.

"Indeed," Szayel Aporro said.

"She does have you there, Sensei," Ukitake said.

"Uh…well…uh…" Yamamoto mumbled. He was clearly at a loss for words.

"Also," Lilynette continued. "You gave the exact speech that High Commander Shigekuni gave before the Spirit Guardians and the Ten Daggers battled each other at the Fake Gensei in _White-Out _Volume 38. Although, that speech doesn't make a lot of sense when you think about it, because technically the Fake Gensei was a part of the Soul Society and so the Ten Daggers were technically in the Soul Society. In fact, I would say that you must be another die-hard _White-Out_ fan."

"Well…uh…" Yamamoto muttered, not wanting to admit that he was indeed a die-hard _White-Out_ fan.

"Wow, you know a lot about this," Rangiku, who was also a die-hard _White-Out_ fan, said, rather impressed.

"It's her favorite series," Starrk said.

"HA! You see that, Yamamoto," Aizen said clearly enjoying this. "Even my weakest Arrancar beat you."

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Lilynette shouted.

"Let it go, Lilynette, Aizen's just being an idiot…as usual," Starrk muttered.

"You dare to mock me?" Yamamoto cried out to Aizen. "You're nothing more than an arrogant, pompous, self-righteous, sociopath."

"Oh you're calling me 'arrogant', Mr. I-Must-Get-My-Head-All-Nice-And-Shiny-For-The-Meeting?" Aizen said.

"Ha, that's a good one from you, Mr. You-Must-All-Bow-Before-My-Might-Or-Die."

"Well, at least I don't WET THE BED!"

"I'M OLD. I'M SUPPOSED TO WET THE BED!"

"Then why didn't I ever see Kyoraku or Ukitake wet their beds? Oh…wait…to you, 2000 years isn't old enough to get the Senior Discount at Country Buffet!"

"At least I don't have some idiotic curl hanging over my face like some kind of bitch."

"How…dare you mock my awesome curl? For your information, my awesome curl makes me look like Superman. Also, at least I have a full head of hair instead of being a cue ball with a beard and extremely ugly eyebrows."

The two groups only looked at their respective leaders.

"So tell me," Kyoraku said to Starrk, "does Aizen always argue like this?"

"You have no idea," Starrk said. "How about your commander, does he always argue like this?"

"You have no idea," Kyoraku said and sighed. "Want some sake?"

"I could go for a cup…or two…or three," Starrk said as they watched the argument between the two "Fearless Leaders" continue.

It took another thirty minutes of Yamamoto and Aizen continue calling each other names before Blaine had enough.

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" the train cried out. "WE'RE ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE. SO SHUT UP AND GET BOARDING!"

"YAY!" Yachiru cried out. "A TALKING TRAIN!"

"Hmm, NEMU," Kurotsuchi called out.

"Yes Master Mayuri," Nemu said.

"Along the way, I want to perform some tests on this thing. I want to see what makes it tick."

"Yes Master Mayuri."

It took another ten minutes for the luggage to be loaded, with Rangiku's mountain taking the longest. In the end, it was agreed that Rangiku brought too much luggage for the train compartments to hold and thus her luggage was fortunate enough to be tied to the roof using Ulquiorra's rope. Then there was the problem of assigning everyone to a compartment for the remainder of the journey.

"Why don't some of us sit in Compartment 20?" Momo asked.

"Trust us," Mila Rose said. "You don't want to sit in that one."

"No shit," Apacci said shivering at the memory of the thing that lurked in Compartment 20. "You may be a bunch of Soul Reapers, but no one…and I mean _no one_ should see what is in that compartment."

As a result, the compartments got rather crowded and to top things off, Yamamoto and Aizen got stuck with each other in Compartment 1. The Arrancars cheered at the thought that finally Aizen would not be able to do anything with the intercom and they could have some peace and quiet. The Soul Reapers only looked at each other in dismay. As soon as they were informed that there was an intercom in Compartment 1, they were a little worried, but shrugged it off.

Chojiro wanted to sit towards the front, but alas, he and Sentaro were stuck in the Limbo that belongs to background characters. As a result, they were unfortunate to be forced into Compartment 20, but thankfully Cuuhlhourne didn't notice them there and thus remained behind his wall of filing cabinets. I guess that's one blessing of being a background character.

_**Compartment 17**_

Starrk wondered how the compartment that he and Lilynette shared for most of the journey got so crowded all of a sudden. Lilynette was on the floor reading more of _White-Out_ as the iHome now played "Tuesday Afternoon" by The Moody Blues off of the iPod. He saw that Harribel was talking with Nanao and Unohana on the other side of the compartment, talking about whatever women liked to talk about. He saw them snacking on the brownies that Sung-Sun brought in earlier. He sometimes saw how they would flick their eyes to either him or Kyoraku or Ukitake. Sometimes they would just burst out in giggles for no reason.

"I really don't understand women," Starrk said.

"I hear ya," Kyoraku said. "How do you think that the others are adjusting to their Gigais?"

"Well, the Kido spell that Aizen put up to seal all of our powers and put us in Gigais doesn't seem to really affect the overall physical appearance. Aaroniero still looks like a walking aquarium and that dog guy still looks the same," Starrk said.

"Yeah, we make a rather interesting bunch," Ukitake said and chuckled at the thought.

"Well, this is definitely better than trying to cut each other up," Starrk said.

"I know," Kyoraku said and laughed. "I mean hey, at least this is a chance to really get to know each other."

"This isn't going to become some sort of _Stand by Me_ kind of thing where we all follow a railroad track just to see a dead body?" Starrk asked.

"Hey, you know that movie too?" Ukitake asked, grinning.

"Yeah, it's one of my favorites. I especially liked the campfire discussion about what the Disney character Goofy is," Starrk said.

"I know," Kyoraku said. "I think that _Stand by Me_ and _The Shawshank Redemption_ are the best Stephen King adaptations."

"Really, what about _The Green Mile_ and the TV movie of _Salem's Lot_ made in '70s?"

"Ooh, those are good ones too. I thought that Michael Clarke Duncan really got the character of John Coffey down and Tom Hanks really rose to the challenge of playing Paul Edgecomb," Kyoraku said.

"Considering how many terrible adaptations of Stephen King have been made…" Starrk said with a shudder.

"So, are you guys having fun?" Harribel asked, grinning.

Starrk immediately saw a gleam in her eyes and swallowed. Kyoraku and Ukitake obviously saw that same gleam in Unohana's and Nanao's eyes. Lilynette only looked up from reading her tankabon and shrugged before returning her focus to read as the Xcution Squad was preparing to begin training Berry in the art of Fullbring in order to help him fight the remaining members of the Ten Daggers.

"Uh…what do you want, Bel?" Starrk asked.

"Oh…we just want to do…THIS!" Harribel cried out.

Immediately the three women pounced on their man and tied them up. The three men looked at each other and saw with growing horror as the women brought out their makeup bags. They were about to get started when the speaker came to life.

"_I will have your attention,_" Yamamoto said. "_I would like to inform you that the Soul Society and the Arrancars have made a temporary truce at this moment. In honor of this momentous occasion, Aizen and I would like to sing you all a little duet._"

The reaction was universal, even with Szayel Aporro and Luppi. There were cries of agony and retching as Yamamoto and Aizen began singing "Up Where We Belong" in perfect harmony.

"I've had enough of that," Harribel said and grinned as she looked back at Starrk. "Lilynette, please turn the player a little louder."

"Sure thing," Lilynette said, absent-mindedly and she did as she was told.

"Let's put something a little bit…livelier on," Unohana said as she looked at the iPod and turned it to the Artists list. She grinned when she found the one she wanted. When she clicked play, Siouxsie & the Banshees were singing "Spellbound" and the women got to work making the men look pretty.

_**Compartment 6**_

"Would someone please put me out of my misery?" Grimmjow moaned.

"Gee, I would really like to Grimm-Kitty, but then I would have to suffer alone," Nnoitora said, gritting his teeth.

"Hey Kenny, maybe these two would like to have some fun with ya," Yachiru said.

"Yeah…that will distract us from this crap," Kenpachi said, reaching for his Zanpakuto, only to remember that he could no longer gain access to it. "Damn, I can't get to my sword."

"Well, we can always use our fists," Nnoitora said, grinning.

"Now you're talking," Kenpachi said.

"So, how do you want to do this thing?" Grimmjow asked. He grinned as he faced Ikkaku and Yumichika.

"Hey, no fair, you get to take two on one?" Nnoitora shrieked.

"Ah shut up, Captain Overbite," Grimmjow said. "You get to fight their Captain in exchange."

"Good point," Nnoitora said.

Silence fell in the cabin and then, as though some unheard or unseen signal was given, the groups clashed. Yachiru jumped up and down on her seat, clapping with glee at the tangle of bodies trying to rip each other to shreds.

_**Compartment 13**_

If there is a list of reasons why the number 13 is considered unlucky, this should be added to the list.

Compartment 13 really did attract the most…peculiar bunch of compartment-mates ever assembled. You had the Three (or Four) Freaks of the Apocalypse: Szayel Aporro Granz, Aaroniero Arruruerie, and Zommari Rureaux, sitting with Captain Freakshow (a.k.a. Mayuri Kurotsuchi) and his "daughter-clone", Nemu. They all looked at each other, but Szayel Aporro and Mayuri focused most of their concentration on Aaroniero.

"Out of curiosity," Mayuri said. "How do you two refer to yourselves?"

"**Depends…**"

"_…on how we feel._"

"Alright then," Szayel Aporro said. "Which one of you is Aaroniero and which one of you is Arruruerie?"

"**That's not…**"

"_…the order today._"

"It isn't?"

"**No, today I'm Aaro…**"

"_…and I'm Niero._"

"Hmm, fascinating," Mayuri said. "So you change your names every so often?"

"_**YES!**_" the two heads replied in unison.

"No wonder why everyone is confused about what to call you," Szayel Aporro said.

"**It's not…**"

"_…as confusing…_"

"**…as determining…**"

"_…Luppi's gender._"

"Good point," Szayel Aporro said.

"Hmm…Arrancar, Arrancar, Arrancar…Espadas," Mayuri said grinning. "Hueco Mundo is a treasure trove of riches."

"We're not in Hueco Mundo, dumbass," Szayel Aporro snarled.

"Whatever," Zommari said as he continued to stare at the wall across from him.

_**Compartment 7**_

Renji felt very uncomfortable with how silent everyone was.

"So…uh…how about we play a game?" he asked.

No one said anything.

"Okay…how about 20 questions?"

No one said anything.

"Okay…I spy something quiet," he said grinning.

Silence.

"Uh…I spy something wearing eyeliner."

Silence.

"Okay…I spy something that looks like a manic depressant."

Silence.

"Uh…I spy something that looks like they really don't want to be here."

"It's all of us," Byakuya said.

"Uh…yeah…it is," Renji said.

"Why would you say that I wear eye-liner?"

"I…uh…don't know, Captain Kuchiki."

"It is clear that your subordinate is an idiot," Ulquiorra said.

"You have no idea," Byakuya said.

Renji looked at Byakuya and then at Ulquiorra. Izuru, Momo, Toshiro, and Sung-Sun only looked at Renji and then looked away. Silence once again fell in Compartment 7, with the exception of Aizen and Yamamoto who were singing another duet.

_**Compartment 11**_

"So anyways," Rangiku said. "When I saw that he was not about to budge, I just simply gave him a big old hug, making sure to bury him deep in my chest so that he couldn't breathe. That got him moving."

"Really, so you mean that just to get that li'l shrimp you call a Captain to do your work, all that you have to do is smother him with your boobs?" Apacci asked as she took another bite from the brownie that Sung-Sun gave her.

"Oh yeah…wait…or is that Shuhei? No it's actually Shuhei who'll do the work for me if I smother him with my boobs. Toshiro just runs away and yells at me."

"Hmm, maybe Lady Harribel should try that with Starrk," Mila Rose said. "Maybe then he'll sleep less."

"Ooh, my Gossip Senses are tingling," Rangiku said, grinning. "Tell me more."

Mila Rose and Apacci looked at each other, wondering if they should tell this Soul Reaper about their suspicions. However, the sound of Yamamoto and Aizen singing "Pop Goes the Gotei/Espada" on the intercom decided it for them. They told her everything and Rangiku's eyes glittered. She could hardly wait to tell the other Shinigami Women's Association members on the train about this bit of gossip.

_**Compartment 17**_

"I must say," Unohana said as the three women stood back, admiring their handiwork. "It is a vast improvement."

"Yes, I think that the eyeliner really brought out Kyoraku's eyes," Nanao said with a smirk.

"Plus that light red lipstick is really doing wonders for Starrk," Harribel said, also smirking.

"Maybe we should show them off," Nanao suggested.

"How about you don't?" Ukitake said, almost pleading.

"Otherwise Grimmjow and Nnoitora will never let me hear the end of this," Starrk grumbled.

"Don't be such a big baby," Harribel said and brought out a mirror. "How about you take a look?"

She held the mirror up and what Starrk saw horrified him.

"I…I look like some kind of CLOWN!" he shouted in horror.

"What did you do to us?" Ukitake moaned.

"Oh…we just made you pretty is all," Unohana said, smiling at the three men.

Lilynette closed her tankabon and then looked at the three men. Starrk glared at her, trying to warn her not to even think of laughing. Unfortunately, it was too late. Lilynette burst out into a loud belly-busting laugh when she saw them.

Each of the three men's faces was painted to resemble some French nobleman during the 18th century. Their faces were completely covered in white powder. Black eyeliner and shadow surrounded their eyes, making them look like raccoons. Their lips were painted in bright red and they were even glittering. Their hair was made up to look like 18th century French noblewomen's pouf (pretty much think of the tall powdered ladies' wigs in the film _Marie Antoinette_). Their hair was also decorated with bows and figures of birds or ships.

"I don't know," Harribel said, an evil smile came on her lips. "I think that something's missing."

"Bel, please, you don't want to do this," Starrk said.

"Yeah, but unfortunately that Perv Nnoitora isn't here…" then she thought of something.

"What is it?" Kyoraku asked.

"Ladies," Harribel said to Unohana and Nanao. "What do you say that we give some of the guys…a makeover?"

"That sounds like fun," Nanao said, grinning.

"I must agree," Unohana said, smiling.

"Buh-bye boys," Harribel said. "We'll be back soon. Ooh, Nanao, how about you grab some of those dresses from Compartment 20, but be careful. You don't want to awaken the creature that lives in there."

"From what you told me," Nanao said. "I wouldn't even want to, at least…not until we're finished."

When the three women left, with makeup cases and Nanao to get the racks of Vegas Showgirl outfits in Compartment 20, Starrk looked at Lilynette.

"Lilynette, please, let us out," Starrk moaned.

"Hmm, I don't think so."

"Lilynette, if you untie us, I'll buy your favorite candy."

"Hmm, tempting, but…I think not."

"I'll tell you what," Starrk said, thinking fast. "If you untie us, I'll buy you that _White-Out_ special DVD box set you always wanted."

"I don't know. It's difficult to choose between two things I've always wanted this badly," Lilynette said.

"Come on," Starrk said. "I'm begging you to please…let us go."

"I'll tell you what," Lilynette said, grinning. "If I let you go, you'll have to buy me…the Complete _White-Out_ collectible box set with seasons 1-11 when it comes out next month. And, I don't want the crappy cardboard set either. I want the full deluxe, metal box set with the Berry and Chappy statues."

"Deal," Starrk said.

"Alright," Lilynette said, grinning as she untied the three men who then dashed out to the Men's room to get the makeup off. "Hmm, now I've got to think of a cover story to tell Harribel and the other two."

"_Will Lilynette Gingerback please come to Compartment 1? Will Lilynette Gingerback please come to Compartment 1? Also, will Rangiku Matsumoto please come to Compartment 1?_" the voices of Aizen and Yamamoto called over the intercom.

"Hmm," Lilynette hummed, smiling. She just got her cover story.

_**Compartment 1**_

"What did you want to see us about, Captain?" Rangiku asked.

"Yeah," Lilynette said.

"Well, you see, I just couldn't let what this little girl said on the platform go," Yamamoto said.

"Who are you calling 'little girl'?" Lilynette asked.

"Lilynette, Gramps here is a very good friend of mine," Aizen said.

"He is?" Lilynette and Rangiku asked. Both arched one eyebrow.

"Of course I am," Yamamoto said, "uh…wait a minute."

"At any rate, Yamamoto was very distraught that you called him out on his obsession with _White-Out_."

"That's right," Yamamoto said.

"I did?"

"Yes, when I told everyone to attack, you then called me out and said that I said the exact same thing that High Commander Shigekuni said."

"Oh…now I remember."

"Uh…if it concerned her, then why am I here?" Rangiku asked.

"Now see here. No one…and I mean _no one_ is a bigger _White-Out_ fan than me," Yamamoto said.

Unfortunately, statements like that have brought countless fans who are obsessed with something to deal blows with each other. If there's one thing that an obsessed fan cannot and will not accept is whenever someone else says that they're the Biggest Fan. The title of Biggest Fan is the greatest honor to be bestowed on anyone who is obsessed with some kind of franchise that they cannot survive without it. The Biggest Fan has no life outside of the Franchise. It is the very ground that they walk on. It is the food that they eat. It is the very air that they breathe. It becomes as much a part of them as their own soul. If it came to a choice between their soul and the Franchise, the Biggest Fan will always choose the Franchise. As such, for one rabid fan to tell another rabid fan that they're the Biggest Fan, it is the equivalent of declaring full-out war.

"Ha, everyone in the Gotei knows that I'm a bigger _White-Out_ fan than you."

"Oh…I don't think so," Lilynette said, her eyebrow twitched with irritation. "I'm the biggest _White-Out_ fan in the whole world…all bazillion of them."

"Ha, alright then, Little Girl," Yamamoto said, grinning. "In what chapter did the Xcution Squad first make their debut and who was the first member to be seen?"

"That's an easy one," Lilynette said. "Xcution Squad was first _officially_ introduced in Chapter 78, but they were first mentioned in Chapter 43. As for who the first one seen is…that's debatable. Some people say that Kugo Ginjo was the first one to be seen in Chapter 73. However, if you look carefully in the background for one of the panels in Chapter 27, you can see Riruka walking with her brother Yukio."

"Impressive…although you left out that Tsukishima was first seen in Chapter 24," Rangiku said.

"Ah, but Tsukishima is _not_ a member of the Xcution Squad," Lilynette said. "You see, he never took the vows of Xcution, and he's actually a member of the Ten Daggers. Granted he _used_ to be a "member", but he was serving as a spy for Lord Dis, the traitor of the Soul Society and commander of the Ten Daggers. That story was told shortly before the power of Fullbring was introduced in Chapter 457."

"Lilynette's right about that one," Yamamoto said. "However, you are both wrong. You see, Giriko was the first one seen in Chapter 23."

"What are you talking about?" Lilynette asked, narrowing her eyes.

"He was the bartender in the Hoyle Tavern," Yamamoto said.

"The Hoyle Tavern was not even introduced until Chapter 30," Rangiku said.

"And you first saw the people inside the Hoyle Tavern in Chapter 31," Lilynette said. "If you want proof, I can give it to you. I brought my entire _White-Out_ tankabon collection and DVD collection with me."

"Ooh," Rangiku said and then lowered her head. "I must admit…you are a bigger fan than I am. Only a true fan would carry all of the tankabon and DVD collections with them."

"Don't feel too bad," Lilynette said, patting her arm. "You're still a Big Fan, but not the Biggest Fan. That's nothing to be ashamed about."

"That's nothing," Yamamoto said, grinning. "I brought the entire Shonen Jump collection with me. That means that I'm the Biggest Fan."

"Ha, in your dreams," Lilynette said. "I bet you don't have the official collector's Berry and Chappy plushy with you."

"No, but I do have them at home," Yamamoto said.

"Whatever, I'll be right back," Lilynette said and left.

"You know, there is one way to settle it once and for all between you two," Aizen said.

"Yeah, there is," Rangiku said.

"What is it?" Yamamoto said.

"Not right now," Aizen said as he wagged his forefinger in front of Yamamoto's face. "I want to talk to Lilynette about it."

_**Compartment 17**_

"Good, they're not back," Kyoraku said as he checked the compartment.

"That took longer than I expected," Ukitake said.

"Well, yeah, I must have gotten rid of about ten pounds of makeup," Kyoraku said. "Plus, you had all of those decorations in your hair."

"What do you think they're doing now?" Starrk asked.

"Nothing good," Ukitake said. "I never saw Unohana act that way. What do you think came over her?"

"I…have no idea," Kyoraku said. "Nanao never acted that way before."

"Neither did Harribel," Starrk said. "Do you think it might have something to do with that Kido spell?"

"It could be. Either that or Yamamoto and Aizen on the intercom like that drove them nuts," Kyoraku said.

"Well whatever it is…" Ukitake began and then they heard screaming from outside.

The three men rushed to the door and peeked outside. Starrk's eyes widened at the sight of Nnoitora and Grimmjow being chased by Nel and Apacci. Behind them they could see Yachiru holding down a struggling Kenpachi while Mila Rose was doing something with some eyeliner. They slunk back into the compartment and decided that it would be best to lock the door.

_**Compartment 8**_

"I must say this is very kind of you girls to do this for us," Gin said, grinning.

"It's nice that you two are at least cooperating," Harribel said. "Oh, and Luppi, I'm sorry about calling you a 'Pervert' earlier. If I had known that you were going through your woman stage again, I never would have called you that."

"Oh, thank you," Luppi said as Unohana applied some glittering nail polish to his well-manicured nails. "I should have told you sooner."

"I must say that this kind of feels…nice," Ulquiorra said and popped another piece of brownie into his mouth as Sung-Sun applied black lipstick to his lower lip. "I never knew that hand lotion could make your hands feel much happier."

"What about your other compartment mates?" Harribel asked. "I don't see anyone but you and Sung-Sun here."

"They're hiding somewhere," Sung-Sun said. "That stuck-up one mentioned how it would be dishonorable to his house or something like that."

"Ooh, I lay claim to the silver dress," Gin said. "It would go well with my hair."

"Hmm, then I would have to say that green one with the black feathers will do fine for me," Ulquiorra said.

"No…no…let me go…LET ME GO, DAMNIT!" Grimmjow cried out as Nel and Apacci dragged him in.

"Now now," Nel said. "If Grimm-Kitty won't behave, then he won't get any milk or treats. And I'll take away his favorite toy for a couple of days."

"NO…NO…NOT FLUFFY…DON'T HURT FLUFFY!"

"If you don't want anything to happen to Fluffy," Nel said, "then you will be a good Kitty and not put up a fuss."

"But…but…BUT GRIMM-KITTY DOESN'T LIKE DRESSING-UP!" Grimmjow screamed.

"Oh dear, another one who's going to have to get tied down," Unohana said.

"TESLA, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU!" Nnoitora cried out as Mila Rose and Tesla dragged him in.

"Ah, thank you Tesla," Harribel said. "How does that lovely gown make you feel?"

"Absolutely divine," Tesla said as he held out one hand clad in a black silk evening glove that went up to his elbow. He gave a twirl in the sparkling black evening dress. "Loly and Menoly were right. Sometimes it's nice to get away from pants and stuffy men's clothing. Oh God, I feel like Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon in _Some Like It Hot_."

At that moment, Yumichika dragged a struggling Ikkaku through the door as well.

"You're going to have problem doing this one's hair," Yumichika said, snickering a little.

"YUMICHIKA! I SWEAR I'M GONNA…"

"…not look as beautiful as me," Yumichika said.

"Don't worry about the hair," Nanao said. "I found plenty of wigs that we can use."

_**Compartment 2**_

Tosen listened to the commotion that occurred out in the hall. He reached for his special "Justice Glasses" (all rights reserved) that made him look a bit like Geordi La Forge from _Star Trek the Next Generation_. Wonderweiss looked up at him and grabbed his sleeve.

"What is it, Wonderweiss?"

"UAA HAAWAA OOOOOH"

"Don't worry, I shall be fine. The Path of Justice always leads my path. Justice will always keep me from harm."

"HYAA AAAAAAAAAAAAH WAUU"

"That was the one time that I strayed from the Path of Justice. The only reason why Apacci was able to beat me up that time was because Justice did not want me to make sure that Apacci's mole wasn't mutating anymore because it wasn't cancer."

"WAA UAAAA AAAAA"

"Look, I never spy on the women's shower room without just cause."

"YAAA WAAAAAA HAAAAA"

"Fine, whatever you say, Wonderweiss," Tosen said as he sat back down. "I guess the Path of Justice doesn't want me to find out what's going on out there. Now, would you like me to read you some more of _Harry Potter_?"

Wonderweiss grinned and nodded.

"Good boy," Tosen said. "After all, _Harry Potter_ is a part of the Path of Justice, unlike that _Twilight_ crap that Aizen likes to read. Honestly, sometimes I think that he's not really on the Path of Justice."

_**Compartment 1**_

"So let me get this straight," Lilynette said. "You're telling me that the way to find out who the Biggest Fan for _White-Out_ is to hold a challenge."

"That's right," Aizen said.

"And whoever gets the most questions right is the winner."

"Correct again."

"Which test will we be using?"

"Huh?"

"Honestly, don't you know that the _White-Out_ Fanatics Convention has five different tests?"

"I did," Yamamoto said. "Would you like us to do the Kiddy-Test so that way you can compete?"

"Fuck that," Lilynette said. "Let's do the Sixth Test."

Yamamoto and Rangiku gasped.

"Uh…what are you talking about?" Aizen asked.

"Oh that's right," Lilynette said. "You're one of the Uninitiated. Should I explain, or would you like to do the honors, Gramps?"

"Aizen," Yamamoto said, becoming serious. "The Sixth Test is the Holy Grail for all true fans of _White-Out_. No one has gotten a perfect score on it. It is the longest and hardest test for all fans and was written by Sensei Urasawa Tite himself. The test itself is located in the Official _White-Out_ Guide and is updated daily to include things from new chapters and/or episodes. Because it is extremely difficult and has been known to cause fans to have complete mental and physical breakdowns, it is not offered as one of the five tests that the _White-Out_ Fanatics Convention offers."

"It's the only ever-evolving test for _White-Out_," Rangiku said.

"Uh…do we even have internet connection?"

"I CAN ACCESS THE TEST," Blaine said. "THIS WILL GIVE ME A DIVERSION FROM WHAT'S GOING ON."

_**Compartment 17**_

"Everything's quiet," Kyoraku said.

"Yeah…too quiet," Starrk said. "Hell, even the intercom is quiet."

"Do you think it's safe?" Ukitake asked.

"No…it's not," Starrk said and he backed away. "If Aizen's not on the intercom…. Something bad is happening and I don't want to know what it is."

"I'm going to take a look," Ukitake said.

As he reached for the handle, there came a sudden banging noise from outside. The door began to shake and the banging became louder and louder. The three backed away to the other side and stared at the door. The noises ceased and a black and red aura radiated from the sides of the door. Then the door began to bulge in…and out…in…and out.

"Oh shit," Starrk moaned. "It's whatever was behind the door in Robert Wise's version of _The Haunting_."

"Oh Great Spirit King Chappy," Ukitake moaned. "What if it's all of the movies ever shown on _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ and we'll have to sit and watch them without being allowed to make jokes?"

"Oh no…what if…what if it's the Captain-Commander coming to tell me that I can't drink any more sake?" Kyoraku moaned.

"Or…it could be us coming to finish the job," a sing-song voice said from the other side.

Then the door flew open and the three men screamed as Harribel, Unohana, and Nanao came in, grinning like imps from Hell. Behind them, all of the other women on the trip grinned at them. They could hear whimpering and moaning from far off. Starrk swallowed as he thought of a scene in Dante's _Inferno_.

_This must be what Hell is like_, he thought. _Not even Cuuhlhourne could compete with this._

"Oh my…they got free," Nanao said.

"And they undid all of our hard work," Unohana said, giving her _other_ grin.

"I guess that makes them naughty little boys," Harribel said, grinning as she tapped the makeup brush against her palm as if she was some kind of dominatrix. "You three have been very…_very_ naughty boys. I guess we'll just have to punish you."

"SHIIIIIIIIIIT!" the three men screamed as the three women pounced on them.

_**Throughout the Camp Smiley Express**_

"_May I have your attention please?_" Aizen's voice rang out throughout the train. _"We will be meeting at the Gathering Car for a very special event. I have just been informed that there shall be a beauty pageant. Also, Lilynette Gingerback and Captain-Commander Yamamoto shall be competing against each other for the title of Biggest _White-Out_ Fan. That is all. Now, since we have some time…_

"_Old MacDonald had a farm…_"

_**Compartment 20**_

"I can feel it," Sentaro said.

"Feel what?" Chojiro asked.

"Captain Ukitake needs my help. I must go to him."

"What can you do? You're a forgotten character…just like me."

"True, but…maybe I can use that to my advantage."

"Unlikely."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you know the rule?"

"What rule?"

"A character that is so much in the background that even the author forgets him cannot do anything to influence the outcome of events."

"Oh…is that what I am?"

"Ever since you got paired off with me…yes. I am…too much of a wallpaper character."

"Well…maybe if you tried harder to do more you wouldn't be stuck as a background character, right?"

"I wish."

"Come on, right now we're getting more dialogue than ever before. That must mean that the writer has something in mind."

"Maybe later," Chojiro said. "Although just saying that means that you're breaking the ultimate Commandment for any and all characters."

"What is that?"

"DON'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL!"

"Ooh, a Beauty Pageant," Cuuhlhourne said as he knocked down his wall of filing cabinets. "WAIT FOR ME! I, the Lovely Beautiful Ultra Sexy Dynamic Convenient Cheaply Expensive Outgoing Angelic Goddess Charlotte Cuuhlhourne shall compete."

Cuuhlhourne rushed past Chojiro and Sentaro who had absolutely no reaction what-so-ever to the sight.

"Uh…what just happened?" Sentaro asked. "I think I should want to claw out my eyes or laugh or both, but I do not want to."

"It is the advantage of being a background character," Chojiro said. "We have absolutely no real reaction what-so-ever to such things."

_**Compartment 13**_

Baraggan grumbled something under his breath as he closed the door behind him.

"What are you grumbling about?" Mayuri asked. "And where's Nemu?"

"Do you have any idea what those…those SEXY YOUNG THINGS were doing out there?" Baraggan roared.

"**No and…**"

"_…why should…_"

"**I care?**"

"Does it have to do with all that commotion that was going on earlier?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Yes it does," Baraggan said. "And once again the God of Hueco Mundo has been HUMILIATED!"

"What are you talking about?" Zommari asked.

"Those girls were talking about holding a beauty pageant with the men as the contestants. AND THEY DIDN'T INVITE ME TO COMPETE!"

"WHAT?" Szayel Aporro asked. His jaw dropped. "They…they left me out. At least tell me that they didn't let Luppi enter."

"THEY LET THAT…uh…who were you talking about?" Baraggan asked, scratching his head with his forefinger.

"THEY DID!" Szayel Aporro shrieked. "HOW DARE THEY IGNORE ME? I'm far better-looking than Luppi. I AM THE PERFECT BEING!"

"I could hardly care," Zommari said as he reached into his bag and brought out a bottle of stimulant medication. "These…just aren't doing the trick," he muttered and tossed the bottle back into the bag.

"**This is…**"

"_…an outrage._"

"**I have…**"

"_…a sexy body and I…_"

"_**…WANT TO SHOW IT OFF!**_"

"Uh…would you count as one or two contestants?" Mayuri asked.

"_**ONE!**_"

"Thought I should ask," Mayuri said.

"WHO CARES?" Szayel Aporro asked. "The point is that we were ignored. We should do our own little…Beauty Pageant as well."

"No," Mayuri said.

"I don't care either way," Zommari said.

"**LET'S…**"

"_…DO IT!_"

"Well, at least the two floating heads agree with me," Szayel Aporro said, smirking.

"I'll do it as well," Baraggan said.

"YES! Now I have the God of Hueco Mundo on my side. The three of us shall be VICTORIOUS! Come, we must get our makeup on and then get into the skimpiest outfits we can," Szayel Aporro said and the three left the compartment.

"Do you think we should observe this?" Mayuri asked.

"You can if you want to, but know this…all things are subservient to something. The masses are subservient to their king. The clouds are subservient to the wind. The light of the moon is subservient to the sun. And fools like them are subservient to their own idiocy."

"That's what I want to know," Mayuri said. "As a scientist, I must know what effects idiocy has on people."

Mayuri then dug into his bag and brought out some rather fancy video equipment. He would make sure to record the entire proceedings. Then, when he had the chance, he would write up his report on his findings on the idiocy of Beauty Pageants. He rushed out of the compartment while Zommari only sat in his seat and continued his meditation.

However, when everyone was gone, Zommari smiled and got up. He took out the boom box from his bag and then brought out the piles of fake gold jewelry and a New York Yankees cap. He was glad that he had some alone-time. Now, he could practice to make his dream of becoming a professional rapper a reality. He reached back into his bag, but didn't find what he was looking for.

"Hmm, where did my 'Special' brownies go?"

_**The Meeting Car**_

Behind the passenger car was the large, spacious, extremely tacky Meeting Car. The light reflected off the gold of statues of cherubs and reclining nudes and onto the paintings of nudes in forest scenery or nudes in rivers or…well you get the idea. Aizen found it odd that the only men present were the Captain-Commander, Omaeda who was busy stuffing his face with potato chips, Wonderweiss, Tosen, and himself. The rest were most of the women from both the Arrancar group and the Soul Reaper group.

"Where's Gin?" he asked Tosen.

"I do not know. The Path of Justice does not show me his whereabouts. It also does not show me where the other male Arrancars and Soul Reapers are either."

"Hmm, this is most peculiar," Aizen said.

He turned to where Yamamoto and Lilynette were sitting, hunched over the thick booklets that made up the questions for the legendary Sixth Test. Aizen could tell that they were struggling. Both were sweating like crazy and Rangiku stood over them holding the stopwatch and measuring their time. Aizen couldn't help but think of the SATs, or Shinigami Aptitude Tests, they were forced to take in the Shino Academy. However, both Lilynette and Yamamoto were holding their own as they worked through the test.

"DONE!" Lilynette and Yamamoto shouted at the same time.

Rangiku stopped the clock and looked at it.

"Wow, you get it done in 25 minutes and 13 seconds. That's the new record for completion of the Sixth Test."

"Yes, but it won't count until we get the results," Yamamoto said, grinning.

"Blaine," Rangiku said.

"YES?"

"Would you please process these?"

"OF COURSE I WILL. PLEASE DEPOSIT THEM INTO THE SLOT ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE MINIBAR."

Rangiku did as she was told and used the opportunity to pick up two bottles of brandy and a bottle of red wine.

"SCANNING…SCANNING…SCANNING…DATA SENT…ESTIMATE WAIT TIME FOR RESULTS…ONE HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES."

"Thanks Blaine," Rangiku said. "That gives us time to do our little Beauty Pageant. ALRIGHT LADIES!" Rangiku shouted. "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"

"Hmm, I thought that the women were supposed to compete in the Beauty Pageant," Aizen said.

"That's how it usually goes," Tosen said. "I guess the women wanted to do a role reversal."

No one saw Mayuri sneak in and set up his cameras to where he could record both what was going on the stage that somehow appeared and with the audience from every possible angle. He made sure that he had a fresh video disc in each camera and then pressed RECORD on his universal remote and sat back to watch.

Likewise, no one saw Sentaro and Chojiro come in and sit at the back of the room. The two men looked confused at how they got there as well, but Chojiro simply explained that it was one of those things with background characters.

"Blaine, if you would be so kind," Rangiku said.

Immediately the lights dimmed and a spotlight shone on the center stage, which seemed to look bigger than it had before. A microphone rose out of the floor and Nanao, dressed in a tuxedo walked to the front. She adjusted her glasses a little and began singing "There She Is Miss America".

Immediately, the curtain behind rose and Aizen's eyes went wide with awe. There, standing like the contestants in a Miss America pageant were all of the missing Arrancars and Soul Reapers. The women were dressed in tuxedos and were holding electric cattle prods. Some of the men seemed to be really enjoying themselves with this while others looked as if they just wanted to run away. Byakuya, who was dressed in a sparkling pink gown, still had his kenseiken and scarf on and looked as if he was about to explode from the shame of being seen in such a way. Ulquiorra, as usual, did not have any reaction, although he did pose a lot in his outfit.

From the back, Yammy clapped and roared with laughter at the sight of seeing his fellow Arrancars dressed in such outfits.

"Holy shit," Aizen said. "I completely forgot that Yammy was here. Ah well, I bet a lot of people did."

"Alright ladies," Harribel said and gestured with her cattle prod. "Front and center and show some leg."

"WAIT SHOULDN'T YOU WOMEN BE THE ONES DOING THIS?" Nnoitora shrieked.

"Now Mistress Nnoitora," Tesla said. "That's no way to talk to the Committee. Surely you wouldn't want to upset Mr. Trump now would ya?"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YA TALKING ABOUT? And don't call me Shirley."

"SILENCE!" Nel roared and zapped Nnoitora with her cattle prod. "You will not speak unless you're asked to answer questions. You don't want to be disqualified Miss Spoon-Head"

"THAT FUCKING HURT!"

"If you don't hold your tongue, I'll do it again."

"HA! Looks like the Great Spoon is being pussy-whipped," Grimmjow said, laughing.

"Oh yeah," Nnoitora snarled. "At least I'm not acting like some sort of pansy. And for your information, the name's Miss Spoon-Head…FUCK!"

"Oh you're just jealous because I'm prettier than you," Grimmjow said, laughing.

"Enough, Miss Spoon-Head, you mustn't talk to Miss Kitty like that," Nel said.

"Don't you mean Miss Pussy-Galore?" Nnoitora asked smiling. This only got him another zap from the cattle prod.

"Alright, let's introduce our contestants," Nanao said. "Miss Red-Pineapple. Miss Stuck-Up-Spoiled-Brat-No-Fun-At-All, Miss Doggy, Miss Spiky-Hair…"

_**Later**_

"_I feel pretty_

_Oh so pretty_

_I feel pretty and witty and gay_

_And I pity_

_Any girl who isn't me today,"_ Gin and Luppi sang as they pranced and frolicked across the stage.

"Oh sweet Aizen, please let this get over soon," Nnoitora snarled.

"Alright, thank you Miss Foxy-Snake-Face and Miss What-Gender-Are-You," Nanao said in her best Ryan Seacrest impression. "Our next duo is Miss Kitty and Miss Emo-Bat, please give them a round of applause."

The women, along with Aizen and Wonderweiss and Yammy applauded. Grimmjow and Ulquiorra bowed and then got in a traditional tango position. Ulquiorra put a long-stem rose in his mouth. Then "La Cumparsita" from _Some Like It Hot_ began and the two danced a perfect tango. Every so often, they would lean in to each other and pluck the rose from the other's mouth. When they were done, the crowd erupted in applause. Mayuri took out his notebook and wrote something in it as he observed the festivities.

"Now, to finish off the evening," Nanao said. "We have our three loveliest contestants, handpicked by the Committee, which includes me, Unohana, Harribel, and Donald Trump."

"Uh…Mr. Donald Trump has nothing to do with this," the Lawyer said. "So, you are not authorized to use his name in any connection with this program."

"Who are you?" Nanao said.

"Oops, I forgot," the Lawyer said and retreated to the back where MJLCoyoteStarrk was shaking his head.

"Okay…" Nanao said. "Anyways, Donald Trump is unfortunately not a member of the Miss Hueco Mundo-Soul Society Committee. But enough of that, let's just get on to the finale. First off we have Miss Sleepy-Wolf."

"Get out there, sexy," Harribel whispered and pushed Starrk onto the stage.

Yammy burst out laughing when he saw that Starrk looked like some kind of 18th Century French Noblewoman at a ball, complete with an oversized feather sticking out his tall pouf that was decorated with songbirds and even a rather large figure of a wolf at the top. He sighed and made a low curtsy as the audience cheered and wolf-whistled at him.

"This is so embarrassing," he muttered before taking his place.

"Next, we have Miss Too-Drunk-To-Get-Any-Work-Done."

Kyoraku leapt onto the stage in a perfect Pas de Chat and landed with perfect technique. He was dressed in a long, flowery kimono. His face was painted in the traditional Geisha manner. How he managed to do a ballet technique dressed like that remains a complete mystery. The audience broke into another frenzy of applause and wolf-whistling.

"Finally, we have Miss Coughs-A-Lot."

Ukitake did a Grand Jeté onto the stage. Like Kyoraku with his Pas de Chat, Ukitake did the execution and landing without a flaw. He wore a flowing pale blue dress with ivory-colored elbow-length evening gloves. His hair was braided and jeweled hair pins sparkled like stars.

"It's good to know that those ballet lessons I had them do paid off," Yamamoto said, applauding.

"You had them take ballet lessons?" Aizen asked.

"Of course," Yamamoto said. "When Chojiro showed me that production of _Swan Lake_, I figured that it might help with their fighting stances. It's the only Western thing that I've adapted."

"There you have it. Our contestants are now waiting…"

"YOU CAN'T FINISH WITHOUT ME!" Cuuhlhourne shouted and rushed onto the stage, still dressed in his Vegas Showgirl outfit. "I, the Lovely Handsomely Beautiful Gorgeously Gifted Eye-Popping Eye-Gouging Lovely Screaming Charlotte Cuuhlhourne, am the most beautiful creature in all of the worlds."

"Now wait just a minute," Szayel Aporro cried out as he and Aaroniero and Baraggan marched onto the stage, looking like something from an all-male version of _Moulin Rouge_. "I AM THE PERFECT BEING! That includes being perfect in the beauty department."

"This is insanity," Starrk whispered. "Maybe I'm having some kind of bizarre nightmare."

"Are you suggesting that I'm NOT the most beautiful creature on Earth?" Cuuhlhourne asked.

"Are you kidding me?" Szayel Aporro snapped. "Look at you. You have got to be one of the fugliest creatures on Earth."

"I would have to agree," Yumichika, a.k.a. Miss I-Really-Use-Kido-Peacock, said. "Although I'm the most beautiful creature on Earth, isn't that right, Miss Bald-As-A-Cue-Ball?"

"Shut up," Miss Bald-As-A-Cue-Ball, a.k.a. Ikkaku, growled.

"Now now," Aizen said. "Everyone has the right to participate if they wish. So, I think that they should compete as well."

"You know, if Aizen's found dead, I bet that the murderer would be the same as in _Murder on the Orient Express_," Grimmjow whispered.

"I didn't think that trash like you knew how to read," Ulquiorra said.

"Of course I know how to read, but I don't go around advertising it."

"Hmm, want to make out?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Huh? Ulquiorra, are you…are you alright?"

"Oh yeah, baby," Ulquiorra said in his monotone voice. "I'm just fine."

"Yeah…right…uh…uh," Grimmjow muttered, suddenly becoming very, _very_ light-headed.

"Now now, ladies, no fun without me," Sung-Sun said and put her cattle prod in between them.

"Uh…what's happening? Why's the room getting all wavy-gravy?" Unohana asked.

"Hmm, this is interesting," Aizen said as suddenly most of the people in the room began exhibiting weird behavior.

"I think we better get out of here while we can," Starrk said.

Kyoraku and Ukitake nodded and the three made their escape. Harribel, however, saw them and chased after them.

"MUSH! MUSH! MUSH YOU HUSKIES!" she cried out using her cattle prod like a whip.

"Oh my," Cuuhlhourne said. "Why is everyone acting so crazy?"

At that moment, Zommari came bursting into the car.

"Okay, who took my brownies?" he asked.

Everyone stopped and looked at him. Then Grimmjow burst out in hysterical laughter and pointed at him.

"Hey…hey everyone…look…it's…it's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," he said laughing.

"What the…?" Zommari asked and looked shocked.

"Hey…hey Captain," Renji said, clinging to Byakuya who was looking at him as though wanting to kill him. "Look at that…he's…he's got like…like a thousand eyes…and…and he's floating."

"DAMNIT, you all ate my brownies, didn't you?" Zommari shouted.

_**Later**_

"That should be the last one," Szayel Aporro said as he injected Tesla with some of the medication he made to combat the effects of the drugs in Zommari's "Special Brownies".

"Not quite," Starrk, who was back in normal, street clothes said. "You've got one more," he said and laid Harribel gently on one of the sofas.

"Oh boy," Szayel Aporro said and immediately went to Harribel. "Does she have some kind of favorite toy or something she can cling to?"

"You mean other than Starrk?" Nnoitora shouted out, laughing.

"Hold on," Starrk said and rushed off, careful not to hit Ulquiorra who was recovering by hanging upside down from one of the chandeliers.

He knew that Harribel wouldn't like it if anyone went through her things, except for her fraccion. Unfortunately, her fraccion were all rendered inactive due to the effects that the brownies had on them. He went into Compartment 7, but then remembered that Harribel went into Compartment 17. He went across the hall and found her bag. He picked it up and unzipped it.

"You know it's impolite to go through a lady's things without their permission," Lilynette said.

"Oh…hey Lilynette," Starrk said. "Szayel Aporro wondered if Harribel had a favorite toy and I knew that she wouldn't leave anywhere without her favorite comfort item."

"Oh…I get it," Lilynette said. "Here give me the bag. I'll go through it. She won't mind if another girl goes through it."

"Thanks Lilynette," Starrk said and handed her the bag.

"So, what happened?"

"Apparently, the reason for Bel's odd behavior was the brownies that Sung-Sun brought around. I guess she must have found them somewhere."

"Wait, let me guess, Zommari."

"Zommari," Starrk said, nodding his head. "Turns out they were filled with a very powerful hallucinogen and the effects can vary from person-to-person."

"You didn't eat any, did you?"

"No, I don't really trust anything that I've never had a hand making."

"Good boy," Lilynette said. "Ah, here we go," she said and pulled out a stuff shark. "Hello, Bruce, it's been a while. Anyways, here you go."

"Thanks," Starrk said as he took the stuffed shark that he got Harribel on their trip to Sea World a year before.

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Lilynette said. "Now, the results should be coming back."

"Results?"

"Yeah, the results for the Biggest _White-Out_ Fan test that I took with that old guy. While everyone was going crazy, we actually had a nice conversation about the latest chapters along with Rangiku."

"Well, I'm glad that you're also making friends with some of the Soul Reapers."

"Speaking of which, where are Kyoraku and Ukitake?"

"They're still cleaning up."

"How is that possible? I mean, you got the mother-load of makeup on you."

"I know, but for some reason, they were a bit more…hesitant about taking it off. I bet they think that if they do then those two women would just put it back on them."

"You didn't think about that?"

"Eh…I don't really care; just as long as I don't have to go all day with it on. Well, I better get back."

Starrk made his way back to where most of the passengers were recovering. He was not surprise to see that those who did not eat any of the brownies were in a state of confusion about what happened. Most of them took the opportunity to get back in their street clothes while others just made fun of what happened. Starrk then noticed that Mayuri was sitting at his computer and was actually editing a video of the whole "Pageant".

"Are you sure that this will help raise funds for my research?" Mayuri asked.

"Oh yes," Rangiku said. "When the SWA did something like this, the sales went through the roof."

Starrk decided that he did not want to know what those two were planning. He saw that Szayel Aporro was applying a wet cloth to Harribel's forehead. When he saw Starrk approaching, Szayel Aporro waved him over.

"Did you bring it?"

"Yeah," Starrk said.

"Good," Szayel Aporro said. "From what Zommari told me, she's going to have a very, _very_ rough recovery. Stay here with her and just talk to her."

"Wait…why do I have to do this?"

"Because…you two have spent quite a bit of time together. Now, just stay here and talk to her. That way she won't freak out when she sees the Giant Purple People Eater."

"The what?" However, Szayel Aporro just walked away. "Great…just great," Starrk murmured and turned back to Harribel. "Uh…hey…Bel, I…uh…brought Bruce for you," he said and held out the stuffed shark.

"Brucey?" Bel muttered. "I want my Brucey and my Starrkey."

"Uh…okay…uh…I'm right here…and Brucey's here too," He said and tucked the stuffed shark into Harribel's arms.

"No…no…don't let it get me. Don't let the Giant Purple People Eater get me." Suddenly, Harribel reached out and grabbed Starrk and pulled him in close. "Much better," she said.

"Oh boy."

_**Compartment 1**_

Yamamoto and Lilynette sat waiting, but while they were doing that, they were each showing off their collection of _White-Out_ memorabilia that they brought with them.

"Ooh, so you have the official Soul Society Officer's Badge pin?" Yamamoto asked.

"Yep, and I have them for all of the Squads too."

"Even the secretive Secret Security Force?"

"Yes, even for the Secret Security Force. I also have the new poster featuring Chief of Security Randal Gordon."

"Very impressive," Yamamoto said, smiling.

He hated to admit it, but he was finding himself liking some of these Arrancars. He especially felt that Lilynette was the granddaughter he never had. He would have to talk with Aizen about adapting her.

"Alright," Aizen said, entering the Compartment. "The results just came back."

Yamamoto and Lilynette sat up at that.

"Well…" they both said together.

"Well," Aizen said. "It was a tie and…"

"Well…"

"Apparently you two beat the odds. You both got perfect scores."

"EXCELLENT!" Yamamoto and Lilynette shouted together and gave each other high-fives.

"Well…maybe this trip will do some good after all," Aizen said.

_**Meeting Car**_

"Huh…where am I?" Harribel asked. "Why…why are you lying on top of me?"

"Oh…uh…hey…you're up," Starrk said, waking up from his own nap. "You uh…what's the last thing you remember?"

"Huh…oh…uh…I remember Sung-Sun bringing some brownies she found in the kitchen. I was talking with Nanao and Unohana about…about Beauty Pageants and how degrading they are to women. Then I can't remember anything after that. Uh…why is Brucey here?" she asked, looking at the stuff shark she was holding.

"Ah, good, another one is up and back to normal," Szayel Aporro said.

"Uh…Granz, why are you wearing _that_?" she asked noticing that he was wearing a dress and a lot of makeup.

"Oh this was for the Beauty Pageant," he answered and walked away.

"What Beauty Pageant?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know," Starrk said.

"Anyways, why is Bruce here?"

"Well, Szayel Aporro wanted me to bring you something to cling to, and I figured that you would bring Bruce with you."

"Did you go through my things?" she asked, her eyes narrowed.

"Well…I was going to…but then Lilynette came and she looked for Bruce for me."

"Oh, then it's alright," she said and lied back down, clutching the stuffed shark closer to her.

"Uh…why did you name that stuffed shark Bruce?" Starrk asked. He had always been curious about that.

"It's what Steven Spielberg named the mechanical shark he used for _Jaws_," she said.

"Oh," Starrk said.

"MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE," the voice of Blaine boomed out. "WE HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE LINE. WE HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE LINE. ALL PASSENGERS WILL DISEMBARK IN AN ORDERLY MANNER. WHEN I SAY 'ALL PASSENGERS', I MEAN _ALL_ PASSENGERS. YOU MOFOS HAVE REALLY, _REALLY_ DONE A LOT OF DAMAGE TO MY SANITY CIRCUITS."

With that, the intercom fell silent.

"Huh, I wonder where we are," Starrk said and made his way to the window.

He looked out and frowned at what he saw. Right before his eyes was a huge sign decorated in bright colors and balloons and hearts and smiling suns and rainbows and pretty much every tacky and gaudy decoration that you could think of. The words on the sign did not make him feel any better.

THE FRIENDLIEST PLACE ON EARTH AND DEPARTURE POINT FOR CAMP SMILEY

COME, COME, COMALLA, YOU'RE JOURNEY'S ALMOST DONNA

WELCOME TO SMILEY TOWN

**End of Chapter 4**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: How many times do I have to tell you not to let them know that we're here?**

**Lawyer: Sorry.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Whatever. At least most of them won't remember seeing us since they were too much "Under the Influence".**

**Lawyer: Yeah about that...**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Come on, I'm not about to do some PSA thing for you. It's Zommari's fault that he brought his "Special Brownies" with him and not mine. I didn't tell him to pack them.**

**Zommari: Oh...I didn't know that there was anyone here.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Oh great, the Great Pumpkin makes his grand entrance. What do you want?**

**Zommari: The train wants everyone off the train and that includes you two.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: I KNOW!**

**Lawyer: Now now, there's no need to yell.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Fine, but let's at least try to blend in. I'm glad this nightmare of a train ride is over.**

**Lawyer: So am I, but did you have to do that whole thing with the "Beauty Pageant"?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Yes, because I got stuck and the only thing that got me to get the story moving was a dream that I had where all of the male characters on Bleach were doing a Beauty Pageant with the women dressed in tuxedos and holding electrical cattle prods. And there was a huge plate of brownies on the stage for some reason. I know...I have the weirdest dreams.**

**Lawyer: Yes...you do. Are you sure that you're not on drugs?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Other than caffeine and chocolate, no. Maybe I've been too influenced by Monty Python sketches. Anyways dear readers...**

**Zommari:...thank you for reading and please review while I go make another batch of brownies.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: MAKE SURE TO LABEL THEM THIS TIME! AND PUT A FRICKIN' WARNING LABEL ON THEM TOO! Anyways, next time, the Arrancars and Soul Reapers adventures in Smiley Town and then they head off to the island that Camp Smiley is on. See you then.**

**A.N.: By the way, that dream I mentioned...it was a real dream that I had.**


	5. Chapter 5: Smiley Town

**Bleach Summer Camp**

**Chapter 5: Smiley Town**

"Who…in their right mind…names a town…SMILEY TOWN?" Grimmjow shouted.

"Obviously someone who's high," Nnoitora said.

"Uh, would you please not mention drugs?" Tesla asked.

"Did we walk into some kind of…I don't know how to describe this place," Sui-Feng said.

"How about…some kind of freaky theme park?" Omaeda suggested.

"That's the most…actually that's not too far off," Sui-Feng said.

"So…do you respect me a little bit more now?"

"In your dreams you fat pig," Sui-Feng said and back-handed Omaeda in the face.

"I can see myself retiring to a place like this," Yamamoto said.

"I bet you could," Byakuya growled under his breath.

The group of Arrancars and Soul Reapers stood on the platform and listened to the sounds of the ocean and the breeze rustling through the trees because most kept their eyes closed. It only took one look at the town made of buildings painted the most eye-wrenching colors known to man. There were houses that were painted in tie-dyed patterns, a fete that many did not want to know how it was achieved, in the brightest and gaudies shades of pink and yellow and blue and purple and any other color imaginable.

The large arch that framed the ramp leading to the village was made of metal that was painted gold. Around the name SMILEY TOWN at the top, there were metal cherubs playing harps and birds and vines and smiley faces.

"I wonder if they stole this from Versailles," Ulquiorra muttered.

"**They…**"

"…_probably did._"

Ulquiorra looked at Aaroniero and then away only to look at him/her/it again. His eyes were wide with surprise as he saw a large Koi swimming around inside Aaroniero's head bowl.

"Uh…why do you have a Koi in there with you?" Ulquiorra asked.

"_**We have no idea,**_" the two heads replied in unison.

"**It just…**"

"_…showed up._"

"Okay," Ulquiorra said and turned away. He did not want to know.

Lilynette who overheard the conversation looked at the swimming Koi and recognized it immediately. She turned to Mila Rose.

"Hey Franceska," Lilynette said.

"What is it, Lilynette? And please don't call me Franceska, I hate that name. Do I look like some kinda snotty rich bitch from Russia?"

"You got the snotty and bitch part right," Sung-Sun said.

"SHUT UP, SUNG-SUN, at least my name's not Cyan."

"HA! You got burned…CYAN!" Apacci said and burst out laughing.

"At least it's nicer than Emilou," Sung-Sun said.

"You…are…so…DEAD!" Apacci shrieked and launched herself at Sung-Sun who only stepped out of the way, sending Apacci sprawling on the platform.

"Anyways, I would appreciate it if you don't call me Franceska, alright, Lilynette?"

"Sure thing," Lilynette said.

"Thanks, anyways, what is it that you wanted?" Lilynette pointed to Aaroniero and Mila Rose looked in surprise. "Isn't that the same Koi we saw in the toilet?"

"Yeah, and now it's swimming around with Aaro and Niero, or whatever they're calling themselves this time. Did you put it there?"

"No," Mila Rose said and grimaced. "I don't think that's even hygienic. Who knows where that's thing been…other than the toilet."

"**Huh, there appears…**"

"_…to be a tag…_"

"**…on this Koi.**"

"Oh yeah, what does it say: SUCK MY COD?" Nnoitora asked and shrieked out laughing.

"How vulgar," Ulquiorra said. "And besides, Koi are a type of carp; not cod."

"Ah why don't ya shove that stick a little farther up your ass? I don't think it's shoved up far enough," Nnoitora said. "After all, you're still not as stiff as my dick."

"Honestly, Nnoitora," Nel said. "If you were any cruder you would probably be too dirty for the trash man to pick up."

"Such vulgarity will have no effect on me," Ulquiorra said. "Anyways, what does the tag say, Aaroniero?"

"**Property of the…**"

"_…honorable and noble…_"

"**…House Kuchiki. Please…**"

"_…return if found._"

"I see," Ulquiorra said and left it at that.

"Alright everyone," Yamamoto shouted as he struck the platform with his staff. "I want for all of you to get with your buddies."

"Not again," Toshiro muttered under his breath.

"You're actually using the Buddy System again?" Aizen asked and burst out laughing. "That's so lame. Arrancars, I order you to…go into the Buddy System."

"WHAT?" Nnoitora shouted.

"You just said that it's lame," Grimmjow said. "So why the fuck should we?"

"Don't question my authority. I'm the one with the cool mullet and the bad-ass hair curl. If I say that you should do something, then you do it."

"That still doesn't explain anything," Starrk said as he rolled his eyes.

"Excellent," Yamamoto said. "I call the young girl as my Buddy," he said and pointed at Lilynette who grinned.

"Alright," Aizen said. "Listen up, our boat leaves in about two hours. So, until then, have fun. And I would like it if you stayed in groups of about two or more pair of Buddies. Don't forget, Children, keep holding hands with your Buddy."

"What about our luggage?" Rangiku asked as she looked at the roof of the train at the tall pile of her luggage.

"That will be taken care of," Aizen said. "Now, get into groups and have fun. And I'll see you in a couple of hours."

_**5 Minutes Later**_

"Finally, a part of town that looks halfway normal," Sui-Feng said.

"It looks out-dated to me," Kiyone said.

"I don't know…I think it looks rather nice," Ukitake said.

"I completely agree," Kiyone said.

"I thought you said that it looked out-dated," Sentaro said.

"Whoa, where did you come from?" Kiyone asked.

"Well, since we're in larger groups, I no longer have to be paired with Chojiro. Therefore, I'm no longer a background character."

The group of Arrancars and Soul Reapers looked at the town before them. They left the area with the hideously-painted houses and now looked at an area of town that looked like something from 1950s America or from some horror movie involving a small town in the middle of nowhere.

"So…what should we do now?" Starrk asked.

"I don't know about you, but I'm going shopping for some clothes," Harribel said. "That way I won't have to resort to wearing the same thing over and over again while we're here."

"Ooh, I'll come too," Rangiku said. "And I can get Shuhei and Toshiro to carry my stuff for me."

"No you won't," Hitsugaya said. "And it's Captain Hitsugaya."

"Starrk, you can carry my things for me," Harribel said and dragged Starrk by the collar before he could say anything.

"It seems as though they've all made a full recovery," Szayel Aporro said as he headed off with Mayuri and Nemu Kurotsuchi.

"Well, let us get this over with," Ulquiorra said.

With that, the rest of the Arrancars and Shinigami headed into the downtown area of Smiley Town.

_**Smiley Town Drugs and Pharmaceuticals**_

"Let's see," Szayel Aporro said as he looked at the supplies. "I need some of this and that and…ooh, a little bit of that," he said and began to pull random items off the shelves. "Luppi, do you need anything?"

"I'm able to get it myself, thank you very much," Luppi said as he hid something in his sleeve.

"Whatcha got?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"It's…it's nothing," Luppi said.

"Luppi, what did I tell you about keeping secrets from your physician?"

"You're not my physician," Luppi snarled.

"Oh yes I am," Szayel Aporro said. "I'm the only one in all of Las Noches who has a medical license and knows how to perform a lobotomy."

"There's no…fuckin' way…I'm letting you…PERFORM A LOBOTOMY ON ME!"

"Luppi, it's in your best interest to tell me what you got there."

"NO IT ISN'T, PSYCHO PINK!"

"Oh yes it is. Now…show me."

"No."

"Show me."

"I don't want to."

"Show me or I tell Lord Aizen about the time you cut off his beloved hair curl and replaced it with that petrified piece of lizard shit you found."

"Fine," Luppi said and brought out the box.

"A…a home pregnancy test? What do you need this for?"

"I…uh…didn't have my period while I was a female."

"Luppi, you should have come to me with this right away."

"Are you kidding me? You would have just strapped me to a gurney and performed some kind of weird experiments on me."

"Exactly. At any rate you might not even be pregnant."

"How do you know?"

"Simple, you don't look anything like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

_**Big Boy Diner**_

"Man, I'm fuckin' starvin'," Yammy said.

"Would you please keep your voice down," Ulquiorra said.

"Hmm, I wonder what I should get," Captain Komamura said.

"Well sir," his Lieutenant, Tetsuzaemon Iba, said. "You should get something like a hamburger or a steak."

"Don't you think that may be a little too heavy for this kind of weather? I think I should stick to a nice cool salad."

"Since when do dogs eat salads?" Ulquiorra murmured.

"Hello, my name's Denise and I'll be your waitress today," a chipper girl wearing a candy-striped red and white uniform said as she suddenly appeared at their table. "May I get y'all something to drink?"

"I shall have iced tea," Ulquiorra said.

"I'll have…uh…I'll have some…uh…milk," Yammy said.

"I'll have some root beer," Iba said.

"Just water," Komamura said.

"Aw, aren't you the cutest thing?" Denise said and patted Komamura on the head. "What kind of dog is he?" she asked.

"Huh?" Komamura asked, surprised.

"Ya know, we normally don't allow pets in here, but he's just too adorable to say no to. Ooh, I bet he's a golden retriever. I love golden retrievers."

"This is…embarrassing," Komamura said, but as Denise stroked behind his ears his tail began to thump with happiness.

"Who's da good boy? You're a good boy. Yes you are," the waitress said.

_**Smiley Town Shopping Center: Clothing Store**_

"How about this one?" Rangiku asked as she held up a rather skimpy two piece bikini that was dark blue with a white star at the center of each cup.

"Hmm, I don't know," Harribel said. "I think that something like this would look better on you," she said and held up another skimpy bikini that was red, but had some white and blue swirls that looked like sea waves.

"Ooh, I think you're right," Rangiku said and took the bikini. She held it up to her and looked into the mirror. Her face lit up. "I think you're right. This totally looks better on me."

Starrk gave a yawn as he leaned against the wall. He already held eleven bags full of clothes from some of the other shops and only one of them was filled with clothes for him. He looked over at Shuhei who looked like a puppy dog eager to please his mistress while Toshiro only looked resigned. Each had twenty bags filled with clothes that Rangiku bought.

"Have you done this before?" Starrk asked.

"You have no idea how many times Rangiku has dragged me along one of her 'shopping expeditions'," Toshiro said. "I'm supposed to be the Captain and she's supposed to be the Lieutenant, but on her 'shopping expeditions' she somehow becomes the Captain and I become the mule."

"I know what you mean," Starrk said. "Bel's the same way and for some reason she always has me carrying the bags instead of Sung-Sun or Apacci or Mila Rose. Why do you think that is?"

"Women," Toshiro muttered as though that single word summed up all of their problems.

Starrk only shrugged and watched as Rangiku and Harribel were busy looking through bikinis while Sung-Sun, Apacci, and Mila Rose were looking through clothes. He turned and saw that Ggio was also being burdened with bags from the other stores they visited. He then made the mistake of looking further to the left and saw Cuuhlhourne looking through the racks of women's lingerie.

"Oh God," he moaned. "I'm gonna have nightmares for a month."

"So…anyways," Rangiku said and turned to Harribel. "I understand that you've got a crush on Starrk."

"Uh…who told you that?" Harribel asked, blushing.

"Oh…I have my sources," Rangiku said and winked. "So tell me, how did you two meet?"

"Well…it was when we were still Hollows," Harribel said, thinking back. "You see, I detest hollows who believe that those who are weaker than they are nothing more than pieces of garbage or tools to use. That's why I can't stand Szayel Aporro who uses his fraccion as experiments or to heal his wounds, or Baraggan who thinks that his fraccion should either be victorious in battle or thrown aside. But Starrk, he's different with Lilynette. I mean, I know that she's a part of him."

"In what way?"

"Well, you see, Starrk and Lilynette were part of the same Hollow. I saw it happen and that's how I met them. At first I was a bit apprehensive about him since he was a male Hollow and males aren't exactly friendly."

"You were worried that he might take advantage of you?"

"I suppose you could say that," Harribel said and smiled. "But, again, he was different. He didn't try to eat me or Apacci, Mila Rose, and Sung-Sun. Instead, he treated us like friends."

"So, what happened?"

"His Reiatsu grew again and it got to the point where my three friends would have died. So, he left."

"That's so sad."

"Yeah, and when he was leaving I knew that I…"

"That you loved him," Rangiku said. "And now you're reunited. It's like a fairy-tale. Now, let's see if they have any cute nightgowns that you can use to seduce Starrk with."

_**Smiley Town Shopping Center: Food District**_

"Alright, now listen up," Gin said as he leaned in close to Zommari, Grimmjow, Nnoitora, and Tesla. "I don't think that Kaname's blind."

"What are you talking about?" Zommari asked.

"It's quite simple," Gin said and looked around. "He's not blind because he's actually a ghost."

"No shit?" Nnoitora asked, sounding awe-struck.

"Uh…Master Nnoitora," Tesla said. "Ghosts don't exist."

"Shut the fuck up, Tesla. Go on," Nnoitora said and leaned in closer.

"Well, it occurred to me. Tosen may have been blind in life, but now he's dead, right?"

"Well…sure…I guess," Zommari said as he rubbed his chin in thought.

"So, how many movies have a _blind_ ghost in it?" Gin said.

"Well…" Tesla began.

"NONE!" Gin cried out. "Therefore, Tosen can see because he's a ghost."

"That doesn't make any sense," Tesla said.

"Shut up," Nnoitora said. "It makes perfect sense."

"I agree," Zommari said.

"Okay, so we can figure that Tosen's a ghost," Nnoitora said.

"That would explain how he could hang down like that from the ceiling," Grimmjow said, remembering the incident in the bathroom on the train where he saw Kaname hanging just by his legs with his arms crossed like Ulquiorra taking a nap.

"Exactly," Gin said and grinned.

Meanwhile, as Rangiku's group, with the men carrying their bags, went to get some food, Starrk stopped and listened to their conversation. He sighed and shook his head when he heard what they were saying.

"What a bunch of idiots," he muttered. "Don't they realize that we're all technically ghosts?"

_**Boardwalk**_

"Honestly, you have no idea what we have to put up with," Baraggan said.

He, Yamamoto, and Lilynette were sitting on one of the benches eating ice cream cones. Lilynette had strawberry while Baraggan and Yamamoto both had vanilla.

"Oh try me," Yamamoto said.

"Well, when he first came to Hueco Mundo the bastard seriously struck a Superman pose and shouted out, 'BEHOLD MY AWESOME MULLET! BOW BEFORE MY HAIR CURL!'"

"He really said that?" Yamamoto said.

"He did," Baraggan said. "Well, I wasn't about to take that kind of crap so I set my army against him and do you know what happened?"

"What?"

"The image shattered and there he stood, in the exact same Superman pose over the beaten bodies of MY soldiers with that same shit-eating grin. I could have died crying out of shame when he shouted, 'NOTHING CAN DEFEAT MY AWESOMENESS!'."

"That's nothing," Lilynette said. "When he found Starrk and me he said, 'If you follow my awesome mullet and my kick-ass hair curl, you will never be lonely again.' I mean, what kinda guy uses that as a pick-up line? To make it worse, we were actually desperate enough for company that we actually followed him."

"Aw, you poor thing," Yamamoto said and shook his head. "Still, you have no idea the kind of crap Aizen pulled on us when he was a Captain."

"I bet we could," Baraggan said.

"Well…" he stopped when he saw Lilynette's eyes go wide and she actually dropped her ice cream clone.

"No…frickin'…way," she moaned and let out a tiny gasp.

Yamamoto looked and his own eyes widened.

"No…frickin'…way," he moaned and let out a tiny gasp.

"What is it?" Baraggan asked, confused.

"Is that who I think it is?" Yamamoto asked.

"It is," Lilynette gasped.

"Who?"

"It's…"

"It's…"

"Oh Me," Baraggan moaned when he recognized the look on their faces. They had the same look that Gin and Aizen got the one time they saw Justin Bieber.

"…SENSEI URASAWA TITE!" they both yelled in unison and shrieked like adolescent girls at a Justin Bieber concert or in line for the next _Twilight_ film, which made sense for Lilynette, even though she like any sane person hated _Twilight_, but not for Yamamoto.

"OMG!" Lilynette shrieked.

"DO YOU THINK HE'LL GIVE US HIS AUTOGRAPH?" Yamamoto asked and brought out ten photos of the manga author and illustrator.

"I hope so," Lilynette said and brought out her entire Tankabon collection of _White-Out_.

The two leapt up and rushed over to the guy who was sitting at a nearby table and illustrating the latest chapter for _White-Out_.

_**Big Boy Diner**_

"This is really tasty," Ukitake said as he took another sip of his shake.

"Would you like another, sir?" Kiyone asked.

"If he does, then I'll get it," Sentaro said.

"Oh no you won't," Kiyone said.

"Yes I will."

"HA! I'd like ta see ya try, Goat Face."

"Oh yeah, I'll show ya," Sentaro said and leapt to his feet.

"You know, all shakes are made by our dedicated and happy staff," Denise said and pushed Sentaro back into his seat. "Would you like anything else?"

"Oh no, this is fine," Ukitake said.

"I could go for another Coke," Kyoraku said.

"I'll just have another glass of peach iced tea," Nanao said.

"Right away," Denise said as she walked away and gave Captain Komamura another pat on the head as he ate his chicken-apple salad.

"So, how do ya think our compartment-mate is doing?" Kyoraku asked.

"Oh, you mean Starrk. I have no idea."

"I bet he has to carry a lot of bags," Sentaro said. "Whenever Kiyone dragged me on one of her shopping expedition, she would always make me carry the bags. The most I had to carry at one time was fifty."

"It wasn't that bad," Kiyone said. "It's not my fault that you're such a pathetic weakling."

"Then why did I always have to go with you?" Sentaro asked.

"Well…I couldn't exactly ask the Captain to carry my things," she said blushing. "You know the strain that could put him through."

"Ah I see what's going on," Nanao said. "You have a crush on Sentaro, don't you?"

"WHAT?" Kiyone shrieked as though she had just been goosed. "Uh…that's…that's ridiculous. Why would I like HIM? I mean…I mean look at his face. Who would…who would want a guy with a face like that?"

"Come on, us girls like to drag the guy we like with us whenever we do our shopping if we're not doing it with our girl friends," Nanao said.

"Then how come you never asked me to go with you, my dear Nanao?" Kyoraku asked.

"You would never help with anything," Nanao said as she straightened her glasses. "You would just go off somewhere to sleep or drink or both."

"I guess you're right," Kyoraku said and laughed as he rubbed his head.

"Huh, so do you think that's why Unohana always asks me to go with her whenever she goes to the World of the Living?" Ukitake asked.

"I'm not telling," Nanao said. "If you're too dense to figure it out yourself, then we girls don't tell you anything. It's a part of our Super Secret Girls' Code."

"All things must bend knee to the Super Secret Girls' Code," Kiyone chanted. "Amen."

"Are you making any sense of this?" Kyoraku asked.

"Not at all," Ukitake whispered.

_**Somewhere in Smiley Town**_

"I'm nervous," Luppi said.

"Just calm down, you have another minute until we get the results," Szayel Aporro said.

They were sitting in two separate stalls in the woman's restroom of one of the shops. Szayel Aporro looked at his watch. He nodded and looked at the home pregnancy test.

"Well…what does it say?" Luppi asked.

"Good news, you're not pregnant," Szayel Aporro said and slid the stick along with the box under the stall wall. "Take a look."

"Ya know these things aren't 100% accurate."

"I know that," Szayel Aporro said. "But obviously there must be complications with your monthly trans-gender metamorphosis."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh please, just because you become a female for a couple of days doesn't mean that your body will recognize it. As a result, you can't get pregnant and you've NEVER gotten a period."

"How would you know?"

"Luppi, what you consider to be menstruation could be signs of prostate cancer."

"WHAT?"

"Don't worry, there's a test that we can do, but we're gonna need more space than these stalls could provide."

"What are you going to do?"

"Oh…I'm just gonna do a little exam. That's all," Szayel Aporro said as he brought out his medical bag and took out a bottle of laxative and slid it under the stall. "When we get to camp, drink that and make sure that you don't eat anything. Got it?"

"Yes doctor," Luppi said, not sounding too happy about it.

"Good," Szayel Aporro said. "Now let's get out of here before…"

Just as he and Luppi were getting out of the stalls, the door to the woman's restroom opened and they stopped as they saw Nemu Kurotsuchi standing in the doorway. They each looked at each other while Nemu didn't say a word. Suddenly, she brought her right hand up and it started to turn like an electric drill.

"Oh shit," Szayel Aporro moaned.

_**The Dock**_

"I don't understand why we had to come too," Shinji moaned.

"Well, I was able to get a group discount," Yoruichi said. "And Kisuke always wanted to come here at some point."

"That's right," Kisuke said as he closed his fan and pointed it at Shinji. "But in order to get the discount we needed two others to come with us."

"So why did I have to go?" Shinji asked as he rubbed his head. "Why didn't you ask Tessai or Mashiro?"

"Well, Tessai's busy with the shop," Urahara said. "And the other Visoreds didn't want to come." Then a sandal was slapped across the back of his head. "OW!"

"That didn't mean that we wanted to come too, DUMBASS!" Hiyori shrieked. "And you…" she said and rounded on Shinji and struck him across the face with her sandal.

"What did I do?" Shinji asked as he held his bleeding nose.

"YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP HIM, BALDY!"

"I'M NOT BALD, IDIOT!" Shinji shouted.

"Now now you two," Yoruichi said, "no fighting."

"This is just great," Hiyori growled. "We spend six frickin' hours on some weird-ass, eye-sore of a bus to go to some kinda dumbass camp when we could have just stayed at home."

"I know what you mean," Shinji said and sighed.

"Don't worry, we won't be the only ones," Kisuke said. "From what I heard we'll be with two other groups. That should be fun."

"Oh I think that might be the stuff for one of the other groups," Yoruichi said and pointed towards a caravan that was approaching the dock.

"It reminds me of the lines of native baggage bearers you see in one of those old jungle flicks," Shinji said.

He was right about that. Coming towards them was a procession of shirtless men of various races (unlike in the jungle films from the 30s and 40s where they were all dark-skinned) with large muscles and wearing leopard-skin cloths around their waists. The luggage was stacked on their heads and they were carrying it with precision.

"Hmm, I wonder who these other groups are," Yoruichi said.

"I don't know and I don't care," Shinji said as he picked his nose with his right pinky finger.

"I must say," someone said. "I find your theory a bit…ridiculous."

"But, it's true. He's not blind because he's a ghost," someone else said.

"Wait a minute," Shinji said. "I know those voices."

"I…I know what you mean," Yoruichi said and her eyes widened.

The four turned and saw Aizen and Gin walking towards them. Kisuke's hands loosened and his fan fell to the ground, which was a first for him. Shinji instinctively held onto Hiyori's jacket collar, but she was too stunned to even think about moving.

"Listen, Gin, just because you think that Tosen's not blind doesn't mean that he's a ghost," Aizen said.

"But…"

"No 'buts', Gin, we're not going to discuss this…any…furth—oh shit," Aizen moaned.

"What is—oh shit," Gin moaned when he saw the four standing at the dock.

The two groups stood looking at each other in complete silence.

"Well…this is awkward," Yoruichi said.

_**Starbucks**_

"It would appear that there is at least one of these everywhere in the world," Byakuya said as he sipped his espresso.

"Yes sir," Renji said as he stirred in the whipped cream into his chocolate frappuccino. "So, what do you think?"

"The décor has something to be desired," he said and looked at the painted walls that showed smiling cats and prancing dogs. Of course, the décor of this entire place has much to be desired, but at least it is not as bad as on the train."

"I know what you mean," Renji said.

"**I would like…**"

"_...a venti iced mocha latte…_"

"**…please.**"

Renji looked at the counter and his eyes went wide.

"Holy shit," he muttered.

"Renji, what did I say about using that kind of language in my presence?"

"I'm sorry sir. It's just that…you wouldn't believe this."

Byakuya looked up from his espresso and he looked at Aaroniero. His eyes went wide.

"Holy shit," Byakuya muttered. "Alice, is that you sweet heart?" he asked and approached the Koi swimming inside Aaroniero's tank. "Excuse me," he said.

"_**Yes,**_" the two heads said at once.

"I believe that Koi belongs to me."

"_Depends…_"

"**What's your name?**"

"I am Byakuya Kuchiki of the honorable and noble House Kuchiki."

"**Oh then…**"

"_…it that case…_"

"**…this Koi is your property.**"

"Hmm, but how do I get her out of there?" Byakuya asked.

"_**We don't know.**_"

_**Smiley Fish Bar and Grill**_

"I must say," Starrk said. "These fish-and-chips are really good, especially with some malt vinegar on them."

"You said it," Apacci said as she took another bite from the breaded cod in front of her.

"Who would have thought that fish cooked this way could be so yummy," Rangiku said. "This is the best food I've had since I was at Orihime's place."

"Uh…you actually…like her cooking?" Ggio asked, shuddering at the memory of when Orihime fixed all of the Arrancars dinner.

"Oh yeah," Rangiku said. "We had noodles with bean-paste and chocolate sauce topped with slices of ham glazed in horseradish and strawberry sauce. It was so yummy."

"That's not my idea of 'yummy'," Mila Rose said and all of the others nodded in agreement.

"Well now, what do we have here?" someone asked. "I sees a few men with quite a numbah of pretty gals."

"Holy shit," Harribel said. "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Robert Shaw when he played Quint in the film _Jaws_?"

"I get that from time-to-time," the rough-looking man said. "So, where y'all headin'?"

"Camp Smiley," Starrk said, gritting his teeth.

"I can understand that reaction," the winner of the Quint-look-alike contest said.

"Oh my Aizen, he even sounds like Robert Shaw in _Jaws_," Harribel said.

Starrk felt the urge to just reach out and punch the guy in the face. Although that might only make Harribel more interested in this stranger.

_Wait a minute,_ he thought. _Why should I care what Harribel thinks?_

"Camp Smiley ain't no place I want ta go ta. It's said ta be haunted."

"Haunted?" Hitsugaya asked; his voice oozed with disbelief.

"Haunted?" Rangiku asked, sounding excited.

"Haunted?" Apacci and Mila Rose asked somewhat afraid.

"That's what he said," Sung-Sun said as she took another sip of her iced tea.

"Ayuh," the stranger said. "It be a haunted place. A few years back, 'fore Camp Smiley took o'er, there was a strange man who owned the island. He brought ten guests there and they all died…one…at…a…time. That place used ta be called 'Injun Island' and now they calls it 'Smiley Island'."

"How original," Hitsugaya said and rolled his eyes.

"Ev'ry summah, they's always get a few groups of people together and then…POOF!" he cried out and did a pantomime of an explosion with his hands. "They's all vanish. Ne'er to be seen again. Some folks say that the ghosts of those who haunt the island take 'em."

"Now he sounds like a character from Stephen King," Harribel said.

"Can anyone say Jud from _Pet Semetary_?" Starrk asked.

Then he imagined the stranger suddenly saying: _The soil of a man's heart is stonier, Louis—like the soil up there in the old Micmac burying ground_ and _Sometimes dead is better._ He had to bite back the laughter that threatened to erupt from his mouth.

"Did…did any of the camp runners confirm any of this?" Mila Rose asked as a shiver ran up her spine.

"Y-y-you're not scared, are ya Mila Rose?"

"N-n-not me," Mila Rose said. "Although I-I-I'm surprised that you can hear anything over that chattering Apacci, you coward."

"Whatever, bitch, I-I ain't scared of spooks."

"That's the thing," the man continued. "All the camp employees vanish as well."

"Who owns the island?" Starrk asked becoming interested.

"A Mister U. N. Owen," he said, "along with his partner A. M. Stery."

"Wow, what unusual names," Hitsugaya said and rolled his eyes. "Did it ever occur to anyone that those names are nothing more than aliases? I mean come on: Mr. U. N. Owen equals Mr. Unknown and A. M. Stery equals A Mystery."

"Sure, that's the first thing we thought of. Unfortunately those are their real names."

"Come again?" Hitsugaya asked.

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Nnoitora called out from somewhere far away.

"Man, he must have very strong Crudey-Senses," Starrk whispered.

"How do you know they're their real names?" Harribel asked.

"Simple," the stranger said, "it says so on the records. We got some people to do background checks on them and their names are legit. U. N. Owen's name is Ulrich Nancy Owen and A. M. Stery is Andrea Milford Stery. Ya see?"

"You've got to be kidding," Hitsugaya said.

"So much for that theory," Starrk said.

"Well, anyways, I'd stay clear of that place if I was you."

"Believe me when I say that we would," Starrk said. "Unfortunately, our idiot bosses decided to drag us along and I bet they even put tracking devices on us."

"Then…stay on yar guard. And be careful. There be strange folk abroad."

"Uh…sure…whatever," Harribel said, thinking that now he sounded a bit like the gatekeeper in _The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_.

"So, what do you think?" Ggio asked as the man walked back to the bar. "Pretty scary don't ya think?"

"Not as scary as seeing Tosen look in a window at you at 2:30 in the morning," Apacci said.

_**Smiley and Be Happy Park**_

"HWAA AAAAAAH GYAAAANAAAAAAAA"

"I agree, Wonderweiss," Tosen said. "I believe that someone is talking about me making my rounds."

"GYAA AAAAAAAH HAAAAWAAAA YAAAAAA"

"Of course I make sure that everyone is being well-behaved. That's why I always peek through their windows. The Path of Justice tells me to do so."

"HWAAAYAAAAAANAAAAAAAA AAAAAH HOOOOOO"

"I'M NOT A PERVERT! I also look into the men's rooms as well."

"HWAYAAAAAAH HOOO"

"Okay fine. I may linger a bit too long at the women's windows, but that's because they need to be monitored. After all, with Espada like Nnoitora wondering around, they're not safe."

"GYAAAAAAAWAAAAAAA HOHOHOOWAAAA"

"Of course I'm going to continue my guard duty. Why shouldn't I when there are so many other ladies who need protection from filthy perverts like Gin and Nnoitora?"

"GWAAHAAAAAA"

"You'll see. They'll appreciate my efforts."

_**Big Boy Diner**_

"That was a delicious meal," Ulquiorra said.

"I want desert," Yammy said.

"Don't you mean dessert?" Iba asked.

"That's what I said."

"No, you said that you wanted 'desert' as in what we live in," Ulquiorra said. "If that's the case, then you should try the park. I am sure that they have a nice sand box for you to eat out of."

"Oh…I meant those sweet things like chocolate and ice cream and pie," Yammy said.

"In that case, you want a dessert," Ulquiorra said.

"Are y'all set?" Denise asked.

"Not quite," Ulquiorra said. "I believe that we would like dessert."

"Alright, what can I get ya?"

"I want some of everything," Yammy said.

"I shall have a dish of chocolate mint ice cream," Ulquiorra said. "It reminds me of the color of my cero and Reiatsu."

"Let's see, I'll have a slice of cherry pie a-la-mode," Iba said.

"I'll have a slice of chocolate cake," Komamura said.

"Ooh, I can't do that. Chocolate's not good for doggies."

Komamura sighed and looked at the dessert menu. His eyes brightened and his tail began to wag.

"I'll have a slice of apple pie a-la-mode."

"That's better," Denise said.

"And also, please add that group's total as well to our bill," Ulquiorra said and pointed to where Ukitake and Kyoraku were sitting with their respective officers.

"Are ya sure about that?" Iba asked.

"Oh yes, because I have this," Ulquiorra said and brought out Aizen's Discover card. "I can also forge his signature as well."

"Uh…isn't that illegal?" Iba asked.

"Indeed, but I figured that bastard owes us for the misery he put us through on the train ride over. What better way of getting a little bit of payback than by maxing out his credit cards?

"By the way, if you are reading this, I in no way condone and support this kind of activity…except against Aizen."

"Uh…who're you talking to?" Yammy asked.

"Hmm, oh, nobody," Ulquiorra said.

_**The Dock**_

"This is completely OUTRAGEOUS!" Shinji shouted. "You mean that we have to spend this time with…with MR. BOW-BEFORE-THE-GREAT-HAIR-CURL!"

"I guess so," Urahara said frowning.

"Don't forget about Mr. I-Will-Burn-You-All-To-A-Crisp-If-You-Call-Me-Santa's-Daddy," Aizen said.

"Although he doesn't mind if you call him Mr. I'm-Santa's-Sexy-Sexy-Brother," Urahara said.

"That's because he completely believes that he_ is_ Santa's sexy-sexy brother," Aizen said.

"Oh shut up, Mr. Worship-The-Mullet-Or-Die," Hiyori said. "God, this is so embarrassing. And you said this place is a NUDIST CAMP?"

"Uh…yeah," Urahara said.

"YOU FUCKIN' PERVERT!" Hiyori said and slapped Urahara with her sandal. She was tempted to kick him in the balls, but remembered what happened to her foot the last time she tried that. She still wondered if his balls really _were_ made out of steel. "How dare you want to see me…your former LIEUTENANT…NAKED?"

"Actually, I think he wants to see _me_ naked," Yoruichi said grinning.

"What are you implying?" Hiyori asked.

"Nothing, of course," Yoruichi said still grinning.

"For your information…I HAVE A SEXY BODY! Hell, I'll show it off if I want to and all of the guys will be drooling after me."

"Yeah right," Shinji muttered and that earned him a mule-kick in the stomach by Hiyori who, aside from Mashiro, was the Mistress of Kicking-Ass-Stomach-Balls-Whatever.

"That's for making fun of me, Captain Overbite," Hiyori said.

"THAT'S MY NICKNAME!" Nnoitora shouted from somewhere.

"What the…?" Hiyori began, but then decided to just shrug it off.

_**Wal-Mart**_

Nel looked at her reflection in the changing room mirror. She liked the way the jeans fitted her lower curves. She also liked the way that the turquoise tank-top showed off her breasts and her flat stomach.

"Oh yeah, Grimmjow will love this," she said.

"ATTENTION WAL-MART SHOPPERS," a voice over the loudspeakers blared out. "ALL CUSTOMERS WHO ARE GOING TO CAMP SMILEY PLEASE GO TO THE DOCK FOR YOUR RIDE TO SMILEY ISLAND. ALL CUSTOMERS WHO ARE GOING TO CAMP SMILEY PLEASE GO TO THE DOCK FOR YOUR RIDE TO SMILEY ISLAND. THANK YOU AND HAVE A SMILEY DAY."

"Huh, I guess I better get going," Nel said and began to change back into the clothes she had on.

_**Throughout Smiley Town**_

They made their way to the docks. Some went willingly while others had to be dragged. It was odd how many in the town were willing to hunt those who tried to hide. Grimmjow tried to hide in a dumpster, but one of the townsfolk filled a cat toy with catnip and he was caught. However, he was allowed to keep the toy after the man tried to take it away from him and Grimmjow hissed at him and tried to scratch him. Now, Grimm-Kitty was pacified and was rubbing the toy all over his face and walked like a drunken sailor.

Nnoitora tried to hide up in a tree, but Tesla lured him down with copies of Playboy Magazine and some rather candid shots of the Arrancar women he found in his master's bag, all of which were taken from various cameras he hid in the women's shower room. When Nnoitora reached down for them, Tesla strapped a collar around his neck and was now walking him towards the dock like a dog.

Byakuya walked with Aaroniero in order to make sure that the two-headed Espada didn't try two-face him and run away with his precious Alice, who was swimming happily around the two heads. Renji trailed behind him, drinking his third chocolate frappuccino. He was amazed that Aaroniero could drink his iced mocha latte by inserting the straw at the base of his head tank and allowing each head to go to the bottom to slurp through it. It was rather…interesting.

Kenpachi, with Yachiru on her usual place on his shoulder, walked out of a theater with Ikkaku and Yumichika. They were all crying, except for Yachiru who was laughing.

"Oh Bella, why…why did you deny our beloved Jacob your love?" Kenpachi asked.

"No shit," Ikkaku said as tears flowed down his face. "Werewolves are far better than sparkly vampires."

"No, Bella made the right decision," Yumichika said sobbing with joy. "Edward was by far the more picture-perfect being of beauty than Jacob."

"That movie sucked," Yachiru said.

Meanwhile, Starrk was lugging Harribel's bags filled with her purchases along with his own bag. Harribel turned and saw that something was bothering Starrk.

"Starrkey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Starrk said.

"Tell me, or I'll have to take Holo away from you for a week."

"No, don't you dare take Holo away."

"Then tell me what's wrong."

"Fine, it's that stranger in the restaurant. You…you were fawning all over him like those adolescent girls over posters of those _Twilight_ brats."

"Ooh, you got a little jealous," Harribel said and smiled.

"No."

"You did."

"Fine, I did."

"I'm glad," Harribel whispered.

"Huh?"

"Nothing," Harribel said. "Here, let me help you with some of those."

"No, I got it."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

At that moment they saw Lilynette and Yamamoto rushing forward and leaping in the air with glee. They barely kept a hold of their bags and were holding something in their hands. Baraggan was making his way towards them, shaking his head.

"Hey, what's going on?" Starrk asked.

"Oh, Starrk, you're not going to believe this," Lilynette said and held out the piece of paper she held.

Starrk's eyes went wide when he saw the signature and the drawing of Lord Los Lobos and Lady Tiburón and Lobato from _White-Out_. He then looked at Yamamoto's and saw, to no surprise, High Commander Shigekuni glowering face. Yamamoto, who normally wore that same expression, looked like a kid on Christmas morning and discovering that he got everything he ever wanted.

"Are you serious?" Starrk asked.

"Yeah, he was here. Sensei Urasawa Tite was here and he was working on…on the…THE NEXT CHAPTER! WE ACTUALY GOT TO SEE PART OF WHAT'S GOING ON!"

"Rangiku will be so jealous," Yamamoto said and grinned.

"What's this?" Rangiku asked. "You…you actually…you actually got to meet him?"

"We did," Yamamoto said and grinned. "Here," he said and held out one of the autographed photos to her that came with a drawing of Rangiku's favorite character, the incredibly busty and hyper Rey-Joy. "I got one for all of the members of the _White-Out_ Fan Club Seireitei Branch."

"Thank you…thank you, Captain-Commander," Rangiku said and fell to the ground and kissed his feet as though he was God.

"Yeah, and we even saw some of the Soul Reapers from the States were there as well," Lilynette said. "They were…an interesting bunch. One had short blonde hair with a strand dyed purple that hung out in front of her face and another was a guy dressed in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt and wore a Panama hat. It appears as though they also scored perfect scores on the Sixth Test."

"Alright, slow down," Starrk said. "You can tell me all about it on the way to the island."

_**The Dock**_

When everyone reached the dock, they saw Aizen grinning and talking with Urahara who was also grinning. Yoruichi only leaned back against one of the dock posts and chuckled. Hiyori and Shinji were busy trying to kill each other to pay much attention to the new-comers.

Gin gestured to Nnoitora, Tesla, and Zommari and they immediately got into a huddle. They were trying to come up with plans to prove that Tosen couldn't see because he was actually a ghost. Chojiro stood next to his Captain-Commander, but, as usual, nobody really paid any attention to him.

"I'M HERE! THE BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUSLY STUNNING EYE-WATERING JOYFUL BOUNTIFUL EXTRAVAGANTLY LAUGHABLE EYE-GOUGING HAM CHARLOTTE CUUHLHOURNE IS HERE!"

"CAPTAIN, LOOK AWAY!" Sentaro yelled and blocked Ukitake's view of the dreadful sight that bound its way down the street.

This time, Cuuhlhourne was dressed in a very, very short lime-green miniskirt and a very, very tight bright yellow tube top. Mayuri Kurotsuchi took one look at Cuuhlhourne and rushed to the dock and vomited into the water. Nemu took one look at Cuuhlhourne and blinked twice before deciding that the best course of action would be to keep her eyes shut.

Luppi and Szayel Aporro, who survived their encounter with Mayuri's "Clone-Daughter" by distracting her with a photo of Uryu Ishida with the phrase "MUST ABDUCT FOR RESEARCH" on the back that Szayel Aporro kept with him, applauded Cuuhlhourne's sense of style and rushed to ask him where he got his new clothes. Kenpachi and his group were still in tears and paid no attention to Cuuhlhourne except for Yachiru who laughed even harder when she saw Cuuhlhourne that she actually fell off her perch, but was able to grab hold of Kenpachi's _haori_ and climbed back up to her usual spot.

"Alright, it looks like we're all here," Aizen said and clapped his hands. "Ladies and Gentlemen," he said as though he was P.T. Barnum. "May I present to you, the _S.S. SMILEY_!"

They looked and saw a rather good-sized ship anchored at the dock. A gang-plank was laid from the dock to a side door. A man wearing a cliché captain's uniform and even had a cliché bushy white beard saluted them.

"AAR ye land-lubbers," he said, sounding like Geoffrey Rush in _Pirates of the Caribbean_. "I do be sailing for Smiley Island, AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR."

"He doesn't have a parrot," Nnoitora said. "Everyone knows that a pirate has to have talking parrot on his shoulder."

"Don't forget about the eye patch and hook and peg leg," Tesla said.

"Now you're talking," Nnoitora said.

"Yer luggage be aboard, AAAARRRRRRRRR. Now, GET ABOARD YE SCALLEWAGS. We're on a tight schedule."

The group made their way to the gangplank and boarded with Aizen in the lead. Luppi, Szayel Aporro, and Cuuhlhourne rushed on board behind him. Starrk took one look at the ship, expecting it to have some kind of outrageous paint-job like the train, but it looked like a regular ship. The only thing odd about it that he could see was the Captain.

"Something's not right," he muttered.

"So, you think so too?" Harribel asked.

"Yeah," Starrk said. "But…I just can't quite put my finger on it."

"ALL ABOARD!" Aizen called out from the ship's deck. "NEXT STOP SMILEY ISLAND AND CAMP SMILEY!"

"I guess we better get this over with," Starrk said.

_**S.S. Smiley**_

The voyage was rather a pleasant one, if you didn't mind the hideous decorations in the main sitting area. When Starrk boarded he was somewhat relieved to see the massive amounts of ship's wheels hanging on the wall or used as light fixtures. Harribel was not pleased with the massive amounts of shark jaws that were being used as decoration, but it was better than looking at the dozens of gold statues of nudes that lined the room in between the windows that looked out over the water.

"Honestly, what is with these people?" she muttered.

Her attention was drawn back from her thoughts when she heard a loud banging noise coming from the front of the room. She turned and saw that Yamamoto had struck the floor with his staff. All of the Captains and Lieutenants immediately lined up as though they were in an assembly. To her surprise she saw that even Gin and Kaname, with Wonderweiss by his side, joined the line. Aizen, to no one's surprise, stood next to Yamamoto.

"Espada, please line up as well," Aizen said.

The Arrancars muttered as they also lined up with the Espadas ranked in odd-numbers on the left and even-numbered on the right, just like the Captains. Starrk looked at Ukitake who was standing next to him and nudged him a little. Ukitake turned and smiled.

"What's this all about?" Starrk asked.

"Well…I have no idea," Ukitake whispered. "I'm sure they just want to go over some last-minute things with us."

"Oh," Starrk said and turned to Harribel who was looking at him.

"Well?"

"They might want to go over some last minute things with us."

"Well that's…would you please stop it?" she said and struck Nnoitora in the face as he was reaching around to squeeze her ass.

"Bitch," Nnoitora snarled, only to be struck in the back of the head by Nel who was standing behind Harribel.

"Fucking perv," she growled.

"Alright, that's enough back there," Aizen said. "I just want to say, 'Welcome to the first annual Arrancar-Shinigami Summer Camp.'"

"Don't you mean the first annual Shinigami-Arrancar Summer Camp?" Yamamoto growled.

"No, I mean the Arrancar-Shinigami Summer Camp."

"How about we just call it the first annual Temporary Truce Summer Camp?" Kyoraku asked.

"No, I prefer the first annual Dissect and Research Arrancar Summer Camp," Mayuri said.

"No, it's the Dissect and Research Shinigami Summer Camp," Szayel Aporro said.

"Can't we just call it the Friendly Smiles Summer Camp?" Luppi asked.

"FUCK NO!" everyone shouted.

"Yeah, we don't want to fucking 'Smiley' or 'Smiles' or anything to do with smiles in the name," Grimmjow said. "I say we call it the Beat-The-Shit-Out-Of-Each-Other Summer Camp!"

"NOW YOU'RE TALKING!" Nnoitora shouted.

"I like it," Kenpachi said, his grin widened.

"No, no, no, that's all wrong," Sui-Feng said. "This is the Gather-Intelligence-On-Your-Enemy Summer Camp."

"Frankly I don't care," Hitsugaya said.

"Ooh, I know," Gin said, his smile went even wider. "This is the Naked-Time Summer Camp."

"**I…**"

"…_like it._"

"I agree," Baraggan said. "I like the idea of us getting naked," he glared at the women and grinned. Although this should be the True-God-King-Of-Hueco-Mundo's Pleasure Summer Camp, where you all have to do what I tell you to while I sit on a throne."

"FUCK YOU!" Apacci shouted. "YOU DIRTY OLD PERVEY BASTARD!"

"YEAH," Mila Rose shouted. "WE WON'T DO WHAT YOU SAY!"

"And the first chance we get…" Sung-Sun said, narrowing her eyes at the old man.

"How about the Building Bridges Summer Camp?" Ukitake suggested.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Baraggan asked.

"Well, we're building bridges to help gap our relationships with each other, right?" Ukitake said.

The Shinigami and Arrancar looked at each other and then back at Ukitake.

"NO!" the majority shouted.

"Actually, I kinda like the sound of that," Starrk said. "I mean, that was our main purpose right, Lord Aizen, Captain-Commander Yamamoto? Weren't the reasons why you forced us to come here…against most of our wills…was to help strengthen the bonds between the members of each of your groups?"

Yamamoto and Aizen looked at each other and then back at Starrk.

"Continue," Yamamoto said.

"Well…it seems rather silly to just strengthen the bonds within your own group when there are clearly three groups of people who don't necessarily get along," Starrk continued. "I mean, Aizen, you betrayed the Soul Society and the Soul Society has been fighting Hueco Mundo for quite some time, right?"

"Right," Yamamoto and Aizen said at the same time.

"Also," Kyoraku put in, "we have Urahara and Lady Yoruichi and former-Captain Shinji and former-Lieutenant Hiyori who both Aizen and the Soul Society wronged."

"Yeah, AND WE WON'T FORGIVE YA!" Hiyori shouted.

"Now, now, Hiyori, let's not interrupt," Shinji said. "I think they might be onto something."

"Well," Ukitake said and patted Starrk on the shoulder, "that's exactly what I had in mind. Instead of building bridges to only strengthen our own individual sides, let's build bridges to help relate with one another."

"And sing 'Kumbaya' while roasting marshmallows and make S'mores like a bunch of GIRL SCOUTS? HA! I don't think so," Nnoitora shouted.

"Yes, such a thing is logically impossible," Mayuri said.

"Why would I wish to build bridges with trash?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Who're you callin' trash?" Kenpachi snarled.

"Soul Reapers, Nnoitora, Grimmjow, Baraggan…" Ulquiorra began and pretty much recited everyone's name other than his own.

This caused Baraggan and Grimmjow began to argue with each other over who would strangle Ulquiorra. The argument then escalated when Nnoitora took the opportunity to rush at Nel and start feeling her boobs. This caused Nel to hit Nnoitora and send him flying back into Luppi, who accidently knocked over one of the statues in the fall. The statue in turn knocked Szayel Aporro into Yammy. Yammy, being an idiot, decided that it was some kind of game and reached for Aaroniero who had the misfortune of being across from him. Yammy picked up the struggling Arrancar and threw him at the Captains.

"ALICE!" Byakuya shouted as Aaroniero went flying and his beloved Koi continued to swim around the two shrieking heads.

Then chaos erupted at the Soul Reapers' end as well. Kyoraku dodged a flying vase and only sighed as he brought his Panama hat down over his eyes. Ukitake looked in surprise as Sentaro and Kiyone began to argue over who would protect Captain Ukitake from danger. Chojiro, who was standing next to his Captain, got hit in the face with a brass urn, but he had no reaction, not even a nosebleed.

"That's what happens when you become a background character," he sighed. "Nothing really hurts you."

"What a bunch of idiots," Harribel sighed and Starrk nodded.

So far the only ones who weren't involved in any of the chaos were: The two idiots…I mean leaders-extraordinaire, Yamamoto and Aizen. Unohana stood with her eyes closed, her face the picture of perfect serenity. Kyoraku only sat the on the floor and took out his sake bottle and drank while evading incoming projectiles. Hitsugaya, who was busy fighting a losing battle to control his temper as Rangiku was busy fighting Momo because she said that Rangiku was the cause of Aizen's betrayal. Ukitake who was trying to play peace-maker, only to end up in another one of his coughing fits because of the stress. Ulquiorra just stood where he was, but he didn't help things since he was now listing off the reasons why everyone but him was trash. Lilynette was sitting in one of the winged-back chairs away from the action and was too busy admiring her collection of _autographed_ Tankabon. Starrk and Harribel were looking around at the chaos that seemed to have come from nowhere.

"What a bunch of idiots," Harribel whispered.

"So…who's supposed to be fighting whom?" Starrk asked.

"I have no idea anymore," Harribel said.

"Well then…let's just stay out of it," Starrk said.

"No kidding," Harribel replied and dodged as another brass urn was kicked like a soccer ball by someone.

"SHUT UP!" Yamamoto and Aizen shouted, but to no avail.

"Please, allow me," Unohana said and she stood before all of them. "Alright that's enough," she said and gave her _other_ smile.

The reaction was instantaneous. Even Grimmjow and Nnoitora and Kenpachi were afraid of _that_ smile. Everyone immediately got back in line, except for Luppi and Tesla who were knocked out cold.

"Thank you," Unohana said and returned to her own position.

"I forgot how scary she could be," Aizen muttered to Yamamoto.

"Tell me about it," Yamamoto said.

"Are you alright, Jushiro?" Unohana asked.

"Yeah…I'll be fine, Retsu," Ukitake said as he finished his coughing fit. "Thank you for your concern."

Unohana gave her warm and gentle smile to him and nodded.

"I think those two might have something," Harribel whispered to Starrk and forced his hand into hers.

"Uh…what are you doing?" Starrk asked.

"Don't you like me holding your hand?"

"Well…uh…I…uh…" Starrk muttered as he felt his face growing hot.

"Thank you for finally settling down," Yamamoto said. "I for one think that Ukitake, Starrk, and Kyoraku have made excellent points. The point of this trip was to strengthen the bonds within our own groups."

"It wasn't with us," Urahara said. "We just came for a vacation."

"No, you came here to strengthen the bonds between yourselves," Yamamoto said and held out his staff towards Kisuke. "Am I not correct?"

"Y-yes sir," Urahara said as he saw the faint stirrings at the staff's head that meant that Yamamoto was more than willing to release Ryujin Jakka if he didn't agree.

"You see, all three of our groups have one thing in common," Aizen said. "We came unwilling to cooperate with our own group members. I say that our main goal should now be to be able to cooperate with each other as a whole. What do you say?"

"Bullshit," Nnoitora and Grimmjow said together.

"Kaname, if you please," Aizen said.

"Yes sir," Kaname said and began to withdraw his Zanpakuto.

"Uh…never mind," Grimmjow said.

"Pussy," Nnoitora snarled.

"Mayuri," Yamamoto said. "You have my permission to experiment on the Arrancar that looks like a giant walking spoon."

"Thank you," Mayuri said and looked at Nnoitora with a rather creepy grin on his face and a maniacal gleam in his golden eyes.

Nnoitora took one look and remembered the time when he had to go to Szayel Aporro for an exam. He then saw Unohana stand forward and give her _other_ smile at him.

"Uh…I agree," Nnoitora said. "We should be more cooperative with each other."

"Kaname, please stand down," Aizen said.

"Yes sir," Kaname said.

"Mayuri, your privilege has been revoked unless either of those two misbehaves again."

"Yes sir," Mayuri said, sounding like a kid who has just been refused his favorite toy.

"Very well then," Yamamoto said. "This shall be our first annual Building Bridges Summer Camp. We will be arriving shortly where the Head Counselor will be waiting for us on the dock. I want you all on your best behavior. You are representing your group and any foolishness will not be tolerated."

"AARRR," the voice of the Captain said over the loudspeakers. "JUST WANTED TA TELLYE LAND-LUBBERS DAT WE HAVE REACHED DA DOCK. WELCOME TO SMILEY ISLAND! AARRRRR!"

"Alright, gather your things," Aizen said as he clapped his hands. "I'm pleased to inform you that the native baggage bearers are on hand to help with your luggage, so please use them, but make sure that none of them falls off a cliff."

"They're still using that horrid practice?" Mila Rose asked.

"Don't worry, I saw them," Apacci said. "There were quite a few white guys and Hispanics mixed with the group."

"Oh…well that's good," Mila Rose said. "That means it's not really racist then."

"Nope, Native Baggage Bearer Inc. is an equal opportunity employer," one of the baggage bearers, a broad-shouldered blonde man with blue eyes said as he reached one of the trunks and lifted it high into the air.

"Oh," Mila Rose said and smiled at Apacci. "So…will you be staying with us then?"

"Nope, we're only hired for taking the baggage to wherever they need to go and then we go back to shore."

"Damn it," Mila Rose said.

"Well, let's take our first look at the place," Sui-Feng said and she and Omaeda made their way to the deck where the others were waiting.

"It seems…nice," Harribel said as she looked at the densely-forested slopes before her.

"It kind of reminds me of the island in _Lost_," Hitsugaya said.

"Ooh, does that mean we get to see Smokey the Monster?" Rangiku asked and then broke out into the "Smokey the Monster Song" to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman".

"_Smokey the Monster_," she sang

"_Was a very weird thing_

_It could change its shape_

_And kill you all_

_While flying in the air._"

"Rangiku," Hitsugaya said.

"Yes sir," Rangiku replied and smiled at him.

"Please shut up."

"Hey, someone's coming," Tesla said and pointed to the dock.

"Is it Mr. Roarke with his assistant, Tattoo?" Grimmjow asked.

"Look boss! De ship! De ship!" Kyoraku said doing a very good impression of Hervé Villechaize from _Fantasy Island _(there's only **one** _Fantasy Island_ and it ran from 1978-1984 as a series and a made for TV movie in 1977).

However, when the person got closer, Grimmjow's heart sank.

It wasn't Mr. Roarke.

**End of Chapter 5**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Whew, we're finally here.**

**Lawyer: It took us long enough.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Journeys usually do.**

**Lawyer: So, why do hate _Twilight_ so much?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: What do you mean?**

**Lawyer: Well you said that only sane people hate _Twilight_.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: In case you must know...look the books had the potential for greatness and in the hands of a better writer than Stephanie Meyer they would have achieved that greatness. Unfortunately Stephanie Meyer had to go and fuck up the whole Vampire lore by making them...sparkle. I mean seriously, the vampires in "True Blood" (which I adore) don't sparkle. Likewise, the films that were made suck all across the board and the only reason why they keep winning the People's Choice Awards and MTV Movie Awards is because most of those who vote are adolescent or pre-adolescent girls who only think that the _Twilight _saga is the best romance novel ever written because they've never read _Wuthering Heights_. Look people: Vampires radiate an intense sexual desire (just read something like _Dracula_) and werewolves are supposed to be a representation of the inner beast (sort of like a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde kind of thing). The Vampires and Werewolves in _Twilight_ DO NOT radiate either side and are instead the equivalent of Count Chocula and those cutsey werewolves in the Hanna-Barra cartoons. If you want to know what the real Werewolf and Vampire looks like: watch something along the lines _Bram Stoker's Dracula_ and _Black Swan_.**

**Lawyer: Did you cast your vote for this year's MTV Movie Awards?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: I did.**

**Lawyer: Who did you vote for?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: I voted for _Inception _and again for _Black Swan_ like any sane and intelligent person would. They were the better film in the list of nominees and 500,000,000 times better than fucking _Twilight_.**

**Lawyer: Well, I voted for _Twilight_.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: I fucking hate you even more. Anyways, dear reader thank you for reading and please review. If any of you reading are _Twilight_ fans, I don't hate you...I just hate _Twilight_. They had potential, but alas they left me dissappointed and rather nauseous just like the _Left Behind_ series, which I loathe even more.**


	6. Chapter 6: Welcome to Camp Smiley

**Bleach Summer Camp**

**Chapter 6: Welcome to Camp Smiley**

"WELCOME TO CAMP SMILEY!" the figure on the dock shouted.

He was rather tall and broad-shouldered. His shortly-cropped light brown hair shone in the sun like his well-tanned skin. For some reason, he was wearing a dark green robe and pink sandals. His robe had a yellow smiley-face on the left breast with the words: CAMP SMILEY in bright red.

"Hello," Aizen said, "permission to come ashore."

"Permission granted," the man said laughing. "You must be the folks we've been waiting for. I hope that you had a lovely trip."

"Oh yes," Aizen said. "It was very lovely."

"Yeah right," Ulquiorra muttered.

"Excellent, now if the Native Baggage Bearers please fetch the luggage and I'll have some of our Happy Smiley Staff direct them to the proper cabins. In the meantime, I would appreciate for the guests to line up so that way I can give them the orientation. Sound good?"

"Let's see what my awesome hair curl has to say," Aizen said. "Mr. Awesome-Bitchin'-Hair-Curl, what do you think of our host's suggestion?"

"Why is he talking to his hair curl?" Rangiku asked Harribel.

"He always does that before he makes a decision," Harribel said. "Don't even ask me why. All that I can tell you is that he's an idiot."

However, Aizen looked at his hair curl and smiled.

"Mr. Awesome-Bitchin'-Hair-Curl says that's a fine idea. How about you, Captain-Commander, what does Mr. Awesome-Shiny-Bald-Head say?"

"Mr. Awesome-Shiny-Bald-Head says that's a great idea," Yamamoto said and gave Aizen a high-five.

"Oh God," Hitsugaya moaned. "Our leaders are complete idiots."

"Either that," Starrk said, "or they found some of Zommari's secret stash."

"It could be both," Ulquiorra said.

"Either way, they're still idiots," Hitsugaya muttered.

"No argument here," Sui-Feng said.

"Alright now," Aizen said. "Enough talking; let's get ashore and gather around our host, Mister…uh...what's your name?"

"My name is Mr. A. Noying," he said.

"Wow, what is with these people and their names?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Alright people," Yamamoto said and struck the deck of the ship with his staff. "Let's get ashore and listen to whatever Mr. Noying has to say."

While the Native Baggage Bearers, under contract and Union supervision, carried the baggage ashore and walked down the path to where the cabins were probably located, the Arrancars and Soul Reapers gathered together.

"Wow, it's getting pretty crowded around here," Shinji said. "Next thing you know someone will get bumped off just to make room."

"I hope it's you…dumbass," Hiyori said.

"It'll probably be me," Chojiro moaned.

"Did you hear something?" Kiyone asked.

"Nope," Sentaro said.

"Ooh, maybe it's Smokey the Monster," Rangiku said. "Haineko would be so happy. She's always had a crush on Smokey the Monster."

"Yeah…they can get together and make tons of little smoke monsters," Hitsugaya said with a voice that oozed with sarcasm.

"Alright now," Mr. Noying said. "First, I want to say, welcome to Camp Smiley everyone. I'm sure that we'll have a fun time together."

"Yeah right," Grimmjow growled.

"Oh we'll have fun alright," Nnoitora sneered. "We'll have fun kicking some Soul Reaper ass."

"Heh, now you're talking," Kenpachi said.

"Alright," Mr. Noying said. "I have here your cabin assignments. However, before I pass these out, I have some questions on…certain individuals. You see, I wasn't sure about their gender and I would very much like to keep the guys and gals separate. I could really use your help."

"Oh sure, we'll be glad to help on _that_ particular topic," Szayel Aporro Granz said and rolled his eyes.

"Alright, well first I have a question about a Zale's Apollo Grant…is that right?"

"It's SZAYEL APORRO GRANZ," Szayel Aporro said. "And for your information, I'm a male."

"**Are you sure?**"

"_Considering where your hollow hole is…_"

"**It's hard to tell.**"

"Look, just because my hollow hole is…in that particular spot…doesn't mean that I'm NOT a male. And for your information…" he said and began to take off his pants.

"Uh…what are you doing?" Yammy asked, somewhat confused.

"So…where is his hollow hole?" Mayuri asked.

"Trust me, you do not want to know," Ulquiorra said.

"I NOW HAVE A PENIS!" Szayel Aporro said and pulled down his pants.

"Oh God," Sung-Sun said and began to laugh.

"Is it…um…is it supposed to look like THAT?" Mila Rose asked.

"Fucking Perv," Apacci snarled.

"Okay, thank you," Mr. Noying said completely satisfied. "You're in one of the men's cabin. Next, we have Luppi Antenor."

"NO COMMENT!" all of the Arrancar said.

"Wait a minute," Luppi said. "Why are you all hating on me?"

"'Cause nobody likes you," Grimmjow said.

"Actually…it's because we have no fucking clue what you are, but yeah…that too," Nnoitora said.

"Look…my female cycle is over. I'm a male again. Do you want me to show you my penis?"

"HELL NO!" everyone shouted.

"It was bad enough that Szayel Aporro had to show us his," Harribel said. "We don't need you to go all Richard Hatch on us."

"I agree," Ulquiorra said.

"For your information," Gin said. "Luppi is a male again. So he can stay in one of the boy's cabins."

"Thank you," Mr. Noying said. "Last we have…Charlotte Cuuhlhourne."

"Oh my…" Cuuhlhourne said. "I, the Lovely Radiantly Eye-Catching Beautifully Brilliant Sexy Red-Hot Jaw-Dropping Sunny Moonlit Charlotte Cuuhlhourne, have never been so insulted in my life," he said and shook the luscious purple tail feathers he wore with his mini one-piece bathing suit.

"NO COMMENT!" everyone yelled and even Aizen and Yamamoto joined in.

_**1 Hour Later**_

"Alright, now we've got that settled," Mr. Noying said and looked at the group.

The men did not look happy with the decision that had been made on where Cuuhlhourne was to be placed.

"Why the gloomy faces?" Cuuhlhourne asked. "You get to bask in the radiance that is me."

"That's why we're gloomy," Yumichika said. "Honestly, if you could see yourself…"

"Let's get going and meet with our Super Smiley Staff," Mr. Noying said.

"God, if you're there…kill me now," Hitsugaya said.

"Now, then are there any Smiley Questions?" Mr. Noying asked.

"Yeah, we heard that this is a nudist camp," Baraggan said. "Is this true?"

"Well…" Mr. Noying said and untied his robe. He let it fall to the ground. "IT IS!"

"HELL YEAH!" the Three (or Four) Freaks of the Apocalypse (Zommari, Szayel Aporro, and Aaroniero with Alice the Koi still swimming with the two heads), Luppi, and Baraggan cried out.

Starrk covered Lilynette's eyes. Harribel looked away while Momo shrieked and fainted. Yamamoto nodded his head in approval and too his own shirt off to reveal his muscular body. Kyoraku and Ukitake looked at each other and only shrugged.

"OH GOD, MY EYES!" Tesla screamed.

"What's wrong with you Tesla? It's just a naked guy," Nnoitora said. "God, ya don't have to be such a pussy."

"I know, but he's…he's too bright and shiny," Tesla said.

"Why do men think we want to see that?" Harribel asked and shook her head.

"It's because men are idiots," Sui-Feng said.

"I don't know," Rangiku said. "There are some guys here I wouldn't mind see doing that."

"Of course you would say that, Rangiku," Hitsugaya said.

"Aw, c'mon Captain, you know you want to see Momo naked."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Hitsugaya shouted. "HOW DID WE EVEN GET ON THIS SUBJECT?"

"Guys are such perverts," Apacci said.

"I hope you don't mean all of them," Harribel said and looked at Apacci.

"Uh…I meant to say that guys are such perverts…except Starrk…he ain't a pervert."

"Much better," Harribel said.

"Ulquiorra's not a pervert either when you think about it," Mila Rose said. "Of course, that's because he's got a stick shoved up so far up his ass that he lost whatever sense of humor he had."

"Alright, follow me," Mr. Noying said and he strode down the path with his robe draped over one shoulder.

"Come along everyone, and make sure to hold onto your buddy's hand," Aizen said.

"Not that 'Buddy System' bullshit again," Grimmjow snarled. "Does he think we're a bunch of five-years old?"

"Eww, I don't wanna hold a girl's hand," Sentaro said as Kiyone held out her hand to him. "They've got kooties."

"I stand corrected," Grimmjow moaned.

"I know…let's all sing a song," Aizen said.

"NO!" all of the Arrancars shouted.

"_Smokey the monster,_" Rangiku sang to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman".

"_Was a very scary thing_

_He ate the pilot in the Pilot_

_And spat him up on a tree._"

"What a lovely song, Rangiku," Gin said.

"I've got one even better," Aizen said.

"Oh God, no…not that," Nnoitora moaned.

"_Old Mac Donald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-O_

_And on this farm he had a Nnoitora, EE-I-EE-I-O_

_With a spoon-hood here and a spoon-hood there…_"

"Tesla, don't hold me back when I try to kill him," Nnoitora said and glared daggers at Aizen's back.

"Yes sir," Tesla said. "But what if he tries to kill you?"

Nnoitora turned on Tesla and struck him across the face with his fist.

"IDIOT!" Nnoitora roared. "There's no way he can cut me. I am the strongest Espada who has ever lived or who will ever live."

"But sir," Tesla said. "I know that you're the strongest Espada, but what chance do you have going up against Aizen's mighty hair curl?"

Nnoitora groaned and slapped his palm to his forehead. He shook his head unable to comprehend how Tesla could possibly think that Aizen's hair curl was mightier than he was.

"Tesla…shut up," Nnoitora moaned. "And don't be such an idiot."

Meanwhile, further down the line, Gin was talking with the rest of the members of his Show Aizen Indisputable Evidence That Tosen's A Ghost Committee (S.A.I.E.T.T.A.G.C.), which consisted of not only Aaroniero and Zommari and Szayel Aporro, but now grew to include Shuhei, Kira, Omaeda, Sui-Feng, and Momo. Nnoitora and Tesla were still members, but they were trapped walking behind Aizen and were unable to make their way to them to attend another all-important meeting.

"Why can't we shorten the name?" Kira asked.

"What are you talking about?" Gin asked.

"Well, I was thinking that S.A.I.E.T.T.A.G.C. is rather long. We can call ourselves the Tosen's A Paranormal Spirit, T.A.P.S. for short," Kira said.

"I think that's already copyrighted," Shuhei said.

"How about something along the lines of Tosen's A Ghost, T.A.G.?" Momo suggested.

"Hmm," Gin hummed as he tapped a finger to his chin. "I like it. That way we know what we're talking about, but everyone else will think we're talking about the game. Momo, you're a genius. Aizen would approve."

"REALLY?" Momo shrieked and began to squeal with delight.

Further back, another group was forming that was also aimed to keep a close watch on another member of the rather large party.

"It is obvious," their leader said, "that Yoruichi Shihoin is a Cat Monster that aims to enslave all of mankind to serve her minions. Imagine the horrors that will follow. They will cover us with cat nip and force us to serve cats their first meals at 3:00 in the morning. They will force us to scratch their ears and listen to their purr. The most horrifying thing of all…they will eat our Koi."

Gasps rose from the others who were listening. This included Renji, Kiyone, Sentaro, Shinji, Hiyori, Yammy, and…Grimmjow? Their leader was…Byakuya Kuchiki?

"That's…that's horrible," Kiyone moaned.

"No…not the Koi," Sentaro said, crying, "anything but the Koi."

"However, if we can show Captain-Commander Yamamoto proof of Yoruichi's evil schemes, then we can persuade him to take proper action against her and her waiting army of cats."

However, between these two groups, another group was forming.

"I'm telling you," Isane said, "that one is a servant to the Kamaboko King,"

(Ahem…for those readers who may not know, a Kamaboko is a fishcake that is made from pureed white fish and is Isane's least favorite food…she constantly has nightmares about it)

…she said and pointed at Aaroniero. "Do you see how that Koi is watching me?"

"Hmm, I see what you mean," Yoruichi said. "Kisuke…"

"Yes Yoruichi," Urahara said.

"We need to keep an eye on tank-head; especially the Koi. It may try to signal for its horde of Koi to take Isane to the Kamaboko King. We must not let that happen."

"I understand," Urahara said.

"Don't worry, Isane," Captain Unohana, "Captain Ukitake and I won't let any mean Koi try to take you away."

"Uh…we will?" Ukitake asked, wondering how he got involved.

"In the meantime," Yoruichi said. "I shall alert my army of cats to be on the lookout."

"Uh…how are they gonna get here?" Ukitake asked. "We're on an island."

Meanwhile further ahead.

"WAAAH HUAAAAYAAAAA" Wonderweiss cried.

"I understand your concerns," Tosen said. "However, the Path of Justice will not let me stray from performing my duties. I must maintain my rounds to keep our fellow campers safe."

"UHAAYAAAAAAA WAAAAUAAAGH"

"I don't understand your concern. There's no way that any of the female campers will take me for some kind of 'Pervert' or any such thing."

"GYAAAAA HWAAAAAAA GHYAAAAA"

"If they do, and I doubt they will, I will calmly explain to them the situation."

"GHYAAAAA HWAAAAAAANAAAAAA AAAAAAA"

"Oh please, most of the girls here are very reasonable. I'm sure they'll understand."

Walking at the head of the group…

"So, tell me Mr. Noying," Aizen said. "Are there any good places to sunbathe?"

"Oh quite a few," Mr. Noying said. "We have the cliffs to the north that have a very lovely view of the ocean. Then we have beaches all around the island. You won't find a shortage of good places to get naked and let the sun bronze your skin."

"That's wonderful," Yamamoto said. "I haven't been able to do something like this in quite some time. I trust that you also have hot springs."

"Oh yes," Mr. Noying said. "You'll be very happy here. I promise you…you won't want to leave."

"I can believe that," Aizen said and stroked his hair curl. "My awesome hair curl doesn't want to leave."

All the way in the back were…

"I would rather be back at Las Noches," Ulquiorra said, "doing some of Aizen's paperwork."

"You do his paperwork?" Lilynette asked.

"How else do you think it gets done?" Ulquiorra asked. "Do you think that the Paperwork Fairy comes in and takes care of it?"

"No," Lilynette said. "I thought that his hair curl did all of the work for him."

"In that case, I can forgive you for not knowing better," Ulquiorra said.

"Seriously, what kind of leader leaves it up to a hair curl to make all of the decisions?" Harribel asked.

"Obviously a poor one," Starrk said. "I bet you anything that his hair curl told him to bring us here."

"I must say that I am inclined to agree with you," Ulquiorra said.

"I just hope that we're not forced to do anything too wild and crazy," Harribel said. "The last thing I want is to find a video of me doing something crazy in Nnoitora's video library."

"HALT!" Mr. Noying said from the front.

They all stopped and looked at their host. He looked at them and grinned. He put a finger to his lips, gesturing them to be quiet. Aizen and Yamamoto leaned closer as though trying to hear something. Then, the sound of singing drifted from somewhere ahead.

"_Put on your Happy Faces_

_Put on your Smiley Faces_

_Welcome_

_Welcome_

_Welcome_

_To Camp Smiley_"

"What a catchy tune," Aizen said and grinned.

"I agree," Yamamoto said and grinned at Aizen.

"_Welcome to Camp Smiley_

_Where you can go nudey_

_All day long_

_All night long_

_Go nudey_

_Go Smiley_"

"Now they sound like they're at some kind of pep rally," Apacci said and suddenly she did a cheerleader kick that struck Tesla in the head and sent him flying forwards. "Whoops, sorry, old habit I guess," she said and blushed.

"Some of them don't sound too enthusiastic about it," Sung-Sun said.

"That's good," Mila Rose said. "At least we now know that not all of the staff are complete idiots."

"_As a bear poops in the woods_

_You can pee behind a bush_

_You can swim in the sea_

_Or you can swim in the tea_

_Swim in the swimming pool_

_You won't be a fool_

_If you decide to do it in your birthday suit_"

"The Spirit King…has forsaken us," Hitsugaya moaned.

"Either that or the Spirit King likes these kind of places," Rangiku said smiling.

"Everyone, we are being sung our way into Paradise," Mr. Noying said and seemed to walk forward using the tips of his toes on his right foot.

"HEY, YOU STOLE MY LUCKY-ME DANCE!" Ikkaku shouted.

"Now, now, he's complimenting you on its beauty," Yumichika said.

"THAT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE!"

"Quit your complaining, Cue-Ball," Yachiru said as she landed on Ikkaku and bit down on his bald head.

Ikkaku began to scream and run around trying to get free from Yachiru's grip. Unfortunately, once Yachiru has a grip on something, she can never let go. Yumichika only sighed and shook his head.

"Obviously some people don't know a truly beautiful song when they hear it," Yumichika said and looked in the direction of the song filled with awe.

"I agree," Cuuhlhourne said.

"It's good to know that at least your ears know beauty," Yumichika said.

"Alright, let's get moving, Campers," Mr. Noying said.

The group moved forward and followed Mr. Noying until they reached the end of the path. They stood staring at a large clearing with a gazebo in the middle surrounded by fire pits. They could see the sun reflecting off the cool water of a pool at the far end. On either side were a total of eight cabins, four to each side. Smaller paths led away from the camp in a variety of directions. However, the sight that caught their eye was the teens sitting around a large fire pit in a kind of amphitheater.

"Holy shit," Grimmjow moaned and then burst out laughing. "KUROSAKI, IS THAT…IS THAT YOU! OH GOD, I WISH I BROUGHT MY CAMERA!"

"Grimmjow," Ichigo said through gritted teeth and got up.

Then Renji burst out laughing and pointed. Byakuya tried his best to keep a straight face, but the hint of a smile touched his lips and he let out a polite and stuffy snort. However, he then saw Rukia and he just wanted to bury his face in shame somewhere in the sand.

Ichigo and those who travelled on the CAMP SMILEY BUS 1 were all dressed in very, very,_ very_ tight and small red shorts with knee-high white athletic socks and bright yellow sneakers. While the girls wore orange sports bras with a yellow smiley face on the right breast, the boys were wearing very short and very tight orange jerseys with a yellow smiley face on the center.

"HA-HA-HA-HA!" Grimmjow roared with laughter. "Hot damn, Ichigo, you look like Richard Simmons after a shopping's spree at Victoria's Secret."

"Shut up," Ichigo snarled and curled a hand into a fist. "It's not like I want to wear this damn thing."

"I don't think any of us do," Uryu said. "Please tell me you all brought extra clothes."

"Now, now, counselors must wear their uniform at all times," Mr. Noying said. "And…you all get a pair too," he said to the Campers.

"No…no fuckin' way am I going to wear THAT," Grimmjow snarled and backed away.

"Aw, but they're so cute," Rukia said. "C'mon brother, just wear the proper uniform once…for me."

Byakuya looked around and saw several of the women staring at him with a hungry look in their eyes.

"No," he said and closed his eyes. "It would be a disgrace on the…"

"…Honorable and Noble House Kuchiki," all of the Soul Reapers said at once.

"C'mon Captain," Rangiku said. "They do look cute."

"No…there's no way I'm going to wear something like that," Hitsugaya said and crossed his arms. "I absolutely refuse."

"Don't make me hug you," Rangiku said and she put her hands on her hips.

"Fine…" Hitsugaya said wondering which would be worse: having to wear one of those uniforms or being suffocated by Rangiku until he passed out.

"Alright, I want my Smiley Counselors to line up and introduce yourselves and tell us one thing you like. Let's start with you Carrot Top."

"Who are you calling 'Carrot Top', you freak?" Ichigo asked.

"Now, now, introduce yourself," Aizen said and smiled at him.

"Do it, Substitute Soul Reaper," Yamamoto said and glared at Ichigo.

"Fine," Ichigo said and sighed in defeat. "I'm Ichigo Kurosaki and I would love to get the Hell out of here."

"I second that motion," Hitsugaya said.

"Agreed," Starrk said. "I want to get back in time to watch _Game of Thrones_."

"I didn't know you watched _Game of Thrones_," Ulquiorra said.

"It's the best thing on television since they ended _Lost_ and _Battlestar Galactica_," Starrk said.

"Thank you Ichigo," Mr. Noying said. "NEXT!"

"I'm Rukia Kuchiki and I love Chappy the Rabbit and _White-Out_."

"Yes!" Lilynette cried out. "I think you and I are gonna get along great."

"Indeed," Yamamoto said. "I also love _White-Out_ and Chappy the Rabbit. Would you like to see my stuffed Chappy the Rabbit doll that I sleep with?"

"Ooh, I would love to," Rukia said and clapped her hands together.

"I'm Uryu Ishida. I love sewing and kicking Soul Reaper ass, especially Ichigo's ass."

"Hey, I think you and I are gonna get along great," Grimmjow said.

"Why do you say that?"

"We both love fighting Soul Reapers and kicking Ichigo's ass," Grimmjow said. "Plus, I'm president of the Las Noches Sewing Circle."

"Hmm…how about we start our own sewing circle here and in our spare time we can challenge Ichigo to duels and see who can beat him."

"That sounds like a plan," Grimmjow said and grinned.

"I'm Orihime Inoue and I love red bean paste."

"Wow, look at how well that sports bra fits her. Me likey," Nnoitora said and licked his lips. "I think I might like it here after all."

"Fucking Perv," Apacci snarled.

"I'm Keigo Asano and I like girls."

"Oh boy, there's one to avoid," Mila Rose said.

"I know what you mean," Sung-Sun said and glowered at Keigo. "He's about as bad as Nnoitora and Grimmjow."

"HWAA YAUAAAAA"

"I see, Wonderweiss," Tosen said. "We'll have to keep an eye on that one."

"I'm Tatsuki Arisawa and I like wrestling and beating up Perverts."

"Hell yeah, now there's a girl I can relate to," Apacci said and grinned.

"Hey, maybe we can talk to her about forming some kind of task force to beat up any of the pervy guys who try to take advantage of the situation," Mila Rose said.

"As much as I want to say that idea sucks…I can't," Apacci said.

"I say that we do it," Sung-Sun said. "That way we can keep Mistress Harribel safe from Pervs like Nnoitora and that Keigo fellow."

"Hello, I'm Mizuiro Kojima and I like meeting new people," he said and smiled a smile that seemed to add: _especially older women_.

"Oh boy, I sense another one," Tosen said.

"HYAWAA GYAASWAAAAAAAA"

"I agree, Wonderweiss. That Mizuiro is up to no good. We'll have to keep an eye on him as well."

"Aw, he's so cute," Momo said and seemed to sparkle.

"Hmm, he's okay-looking," Rangiku said, "but he's not my type."

"I'm Yasutora Sado," Chad said and paused. "I like cute things."

"Boring," Nnoitora said and rolled his eye.

"I must agree with your assessment, Master Nnoitora," Tesla said.

"Huh…what do ya know?" Apacci said. "Here I was beginning to think that he was nothing but a statue."

"This is unfair," Chojiro moaned. "He has the makings of an excellent background character and yet he's a…a main character? I feel sad now."

"Hello, I'm Chizuru Honsho…"

"What do ya think Grimmjow?" Nnoitora asked and elbowed Grimmjow in the side. "Think we can get lucky with her?"

"I hope so," Grimmjow said. "I like girls with glasses."

"I thought you liked Nel," Tesla said.

"Shut up, Tesla," Nnoitora said. "Any true red-blooded man _knows_ that he can have more than one girl at a time. It's our fucking right."

"Fucking Perv," Apacci snarled as she overheard Nnoitora talking.

"…and I like girls," Chizuru said. "I especially like Hime over here," she said and began to rub herself against Orihime and massage Orihime's massive breasts.

No one said anything. However, Grimmjow and Nnoitora both had their noses explode in a rain of blood and they collapsed.

"Grimm…" Nnoitora moaned.

"Yeah?" Grimmjow said weakly.

"Did we die and go to Heaven?"

"Hell yeah," Grimmjow said.

"Damn it, Chizuru," Tatsuki said and struck Chizuru in the face. "You're worse than a bitch in heat. And keep your hands off Orihime."

"Aw, but Tatsuki," Chizuru moaned.

"Look, you can bother some of the other ladies present if you want," Tatsuki said and Chizuru looked at the crowd.

When her eyes fell on the female Arrancars and Soul Reapers present her eyes lit up. She looked like a person with the world's largest sweet tooth who had just walked into a candy store.

"Great…just great," Harribel moaned.

"Wow, this is gonna be so hot," Keigo said and elbowed Mizuiro.

"Whatever you say, Mr. Asano," Mizuiro said, not paying any attention to what Keigo said.

"So there you have it," Mr. Noying said. "These young people are gonna be your counselors for our time together. Now, I have already set up your cabin assignments and those are posted to the door of each cabin. Boys, you are on the left and Girls you are on the right. Announcements will be made over the loudspeaker and meals will be served in our Cafeteria down that trail," Mr. Noying said and pointed to a broad flagstone path to his left.

"Our first activity will be this afternoon. In the meantime, I want you all to get comfy and get to know your cabin mates. And I'll see you all later this afternoon. Oh and if you want to…feel free to get naked and let the sun bake your skin.

"Until then…I have only one thing left to say: WELCOME TO CAMP SMILEY!"

**End of Chapter 6**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Oh boy, I've got a bad feeling about this.**

**Lawyer: You're not the only one, but I'm curious.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: What is it?**

**Lawyer: What's going on back at Las Noches and the Soul Society?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: You know, I figured that question might get asked, so...before we left...I set up cameras all over Las Noches and the Soul Society to monitor what's been going on. I suppose that while everyone's settling-in, we should take a look.**

**Lawyer: REALLY?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: I don't see why not. Anyways, folks...next chapter we'll find out what's been going on back in Las Noches and the Soul Society over the course of the past six chapters. In honor of the first season of _Game of Thrones_ coming to an end, I have decided to provide a list of the Top 10 things that Tite Kubo could learn from _Game of Thrones_. Until next time...**

**Lawyer: Thank you and please review.**

_**TOP 10 LESSONS THAT TITE KUBO COULD LEARN FROM "GAME OF THRONES"**_

**10. Have Ramin Djawadi write the score for "Bleach"**

**9. Have a really cool, kick-ass, intelligent, and witty imp (sorry, but Yachiru only fills 3 of those requirements)**

**8. Have someone pour a vat of molten gold on Aizen's head and say, "A Crown for a King"**

**7. Have Momo play Sansa Stark and see how long she lasts when the shit hits the fan**

**6. Tell Ichigo that he can't fall in love with anyone, because if he does then there will be a "Red Wedding"; then have him fall in love and suffer said "Red Wedding"**

**5. Have a creepy old woman perform "blood magic" whenever Ichigo dies**

**4. Have Baraggan or Yamamoto killed by forementioned imp while he's sitting on the "throne"**

**3. Everything gets creepy when someone says "Winter Is Coming" or "The White Walkers"**

**2. KILL! KILL! KILL OFF SOME OF THE "GOOD GUYS"!**

**1. Everything's cooler with...DIREWOLVES!**


	7. Chapter 7: Meanwhile

**Bleach Summer Camp**

**Chapter 7: Meanwhile**

_**Somewhere**_

"YAY! I actually get to walk into the story itself," the Lawyer said.

"Shut up," MJLCoyoteStarrk said. "You know. I should fire you right now."

"Can't do that," the Lawyer said. "You're under contract to keep me for the duration of the story," he said and held out a copy of the contract.

"Give me that," MJLCoyoteStarrk said and grabbed the contract. "Where does it say that?"

"In the fine print," the Lawyer said and pointed to one of the sub-sub-sub-sub articles in the contract.

"Damn fine print," MJLCoyoteStarrk growled.

"Isn't it wonderful?"

"Not really, anyways, I'm sure that you, dear readers don't want to watch us argue over the fine print. So…let's get on with it."

MJLCoyoteStarrk put in a video and pressed PLAY.

"THE PENDULUM MOVES BACKWARDS IN TIME…"

"Oops, wrong video. You guys came here to find out what's been going on back at Las Noches and the Seireitei. Not watch the 'Turn Back the Pendulum Arc' on _Bleach_. Ah, here we are. Now…let's see what's been going on since our dear friends left Las Noches and the Seireitei."

**Fade to Black**

_**Las Noches, Way Back In Chapter 1**_

"If you're not helping with restoring Las Noches, come with me," Tosen said.

Dordoni watched as the Espada, Nel, Ggio, and Harribel's fraccion moved off.

"In the meantime, if you are helping with restoring Las Noches, come here," Rudobon said.

The other Arrancars began to gather around Rudobon to wait for further instructions. Rudobon looked at them and nodded to one of his Exequias. The Exequias reached into his uniform and pulled out a large whiteboard.

"Uh…how did he do that?" Gantenbainne asked.

"Quiet, Privaron," Rudobon said.

"The name's Gantenbainne Mosqueda, foo'."

"You know, when you say that you kinda sound like Mr. T," Yylfordt said.

"EXACTA!" Findor said and raised the forefinger on his right hand as though making a point.

"Oh shut up," Mosqueda said. "I pity da foo' who can't have a cool afro like mine."

"Now you _really_ sound like Mr. T," Edorad said and some of the others present chuckled.

"Enough of that," Rudobon said. "We have a tight schedule and if Las Noches isn't cleaned up by the time Aizen gets back, we'll be forced to listen to the Jonas Brothers and watch _From Justin to Kelly_."

"Not to mention he'll force us to watch every _Twilight_ movie and watch_ M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender_ while listening to Britney Spear's new album," Shawlong said.

"Ooh, in that case we should take our time," Di Roy said.

"SHUT UP, DI ROY!" Edorad yelled and hit Di Roy in the face.

"OW, why'd you do that for?"

"Because you were being an idiot," Edorad said.

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP?" Rudobon yelled. "Aizen damn you both. Alright, so here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna go into my Resurrección so that way we'll have enough Exequias to clear the debris and set up the work platforms. Poww, I want you to go into Resurrección when we're ready to work on the dome."

"Why?" Poww asked.

"Dude have you seen how big you get when you go into Resurrección?" Nirgge asked.

"EXACTA!" Findor cried out. "YOU BECOME AS BIG AS A WHALE!"

"That's because I am a whale," Poww said. "Which is exactly the problem: I can't use my hands very well."

"OF COURSE YOU CAN!" Avirama yelled. "You just have to tell yourself that you can. Now, repeat after me. I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IIIIIIIIIIIT! Well, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"I don't really like your style of motivation," Poww said.

"Anyways," Rudobon said. "I want you all to pay attention to the board."

All eyes focused on the whiteboard as Rudobon drew a circle to represent Las Noches.

"We're fortunate that Yammy going into his full Resurrección didn't destroy much in the Eastern or Southern corners or any of the Five Towers. So, those areas shouldn't take that long to repair. The Northern and Western corners are a different matter," Rudobon said.

"I'll say," Cirucci said.

"You should have seen what it did to the Privarons' chambers," Skullak, the former Primera, said.

"Thank you, Skullak," Rudobon said. "Those are going to be the toughest areas to clean."

"Oh shit," Yylfordt said. "I just thought of something. My little brother's lab is in that area."

"Yes," Rudobon said and sighed. "That means that we'll have to deal with whatever your brother was experimenting with."

"In that case…I'm definitely NOT going into that area," Dordoni said.

There were mutters of agreement.

"Maybe we should just send the Exequias into that area," Menoly said.

"Yeah, I mean they can be easily replaced if something happens to them," Loly said.

"NO!" Rudobon shouted. "I will not allow any of the Exequias to be caught in _that_ area of Las Noches. No, it's best to use the droids."

"Whoa, we have droids?" Cirucci asked.

"Yes, we have droids," Rudobon said. "They'll help us detect any of Szayel Aporro's traps or escaped…experiments. Bring me the droids," he ordered.

"Ooh, I wonder if we'll see R2D2 and C3PO," Dordoni said.

"Actually," Rudobon said. "These aren't those kinds of droids."

"Then what kind are they?" Gantenbainne asked.

_**Seireitei, After Blaine Left**_

"Alright people, settle down," Yasochika Iemura, third seat of Squad 4, said as he straightened his pair of sunglasses. "Now, as you know, Head Captain Yamamoto left Squad 4 in charge of the repairs. That means that what we tell you to do has the same authority as though it was coming from Head Captain Yamamoto himself."

"Squad 11 doesn't take orders from Squad 4," a tough-looking Soul Reaper covered in scars said. "We only take orders from Captain Zaraki."

All of Squad 11 cheered at that.

"Actually, you also take orders from Captain Commander Yamamoto, and what we tell you to do have the same weight as they would if they came from Yamamoto," Yasochika said.

"How pathetic," one of the other men cried out. "You hide behind the authority of the Captain-Commander. No wonder why your squad doesn't get that much respect."

"No, they don't get much respect because they're a bunch of MAIDS!" another member of Squad 11 cried out.

"Yeah, and I bet they have to wear those kinky maid outfits whenever they clean house," another said.

There was laughter and applause at that. Yasochika wanted to tell them that those rumors were not true. Unfortunately, he couldn't. It was true that they would sometimes be forced to wear those outfits because Captain Unohana thought they looked "cute" in them. Yasochika wanted to find whoever spread the word about that and rip their tongue out.

_**Las Noches**_

"These are the droids?" Dordoni asked.

"Hey, what are you doing on my land, Illegal Immigrant?" the old man asked.

"Paul Revere also did it to warn the British," the woman said.

"I have 23 foster kids as well as 8 kids of my own. I win," another woman said.

"Do you have any Pop Tarts?" another man asked.

"I had sex wit da maid and made a baby," the extremely buff man said. "Come with me if you want to live."

"Who are they?" Cirucci asked.

"They're politicians," Skullak said and spat as he said the word. "They're about as disgusting as Soul Reapers."

"I hate my kids," a woman at the back said.

"Holy shit, is that the Octomom?" Menoly asked.

"It's not just politicians," Rudobon said. "It also includes celebrities and fame-seekers. Aizen made them to infiltrate the World of the Living in hopes that when they died they could then infiltrate the Soul Society and annoy them there. Unfortunately, the Soul Reapers didn't want them so we got them back even though Aizen has a strict no return policy."

"Oh sweet Aizen don't tell me that…"

"I WANT MORE MONEY! CBS IS RUN BY A BUNCH OF FAT HEADS! I'M A WHINEY LITTLE BITCH!"

"Yes, _he's_ here too," Rudobon said.

"In that case, we can send him in first," Loly said.

"You can also send in de Madhatter's Tea Party in first too," Gantenbainne said. "Dey're a bunch of foo's. Hey, I just made a rhyme."

"Yeah, but shouldn't we send in that guy in first?" Cirucci asked and pointed to a man who acted as though he was sitting behind a microphone.

"The Liberal Media is ruining our values," the man said. "Face it folks, the so-called 'President' is not an American citizen and I don't care that he showed his birth certificate."

"No, the Conservative Fat Heads are ruining our nation. We should hang 'em all," another man said and the two radio jockeys began to beat each other up.

"I'm surprised that Lord Aruji Enma didn't take them," Poww said.

"Aizen was going to ship them to him, but he…forgot," Rudobon said. "Anyways, if anything happens to them, then we won't have to worry. Just point them in the direction they should go and tell them that there's a bunch of bailouts over there, or money, or…whatever. They'll pretty much chase after anything."

"Alright," Dordoni said. "What do all dese droids want?"

"HEY LOOK," Skullak cried out and pointed. "IT'S PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU!"

"WHERE? WHERE ARE THEY?" the large crowd of droids cried out and they ran in the direction that Skullak pointed.

"That's…that's impressive," Cirucci said and gave Skullak a peck on the cheek.

"How did you know they would act like that?" Rudobon asked.

"It's simple. Politicians, fame-seekers, celebrities are all the same in this regard. They want someone to pay attention to them and they don't care what they have to do to get it. That's why they act like a bunch of idiots. It's quite sad really."

_**Seireitei**_

Hanataro looked at the large pitcher of lemonade and sighed. Squad 4 was getting stuck with the cleanup, as usual, and all of the other squads were acting as though they were doing all of the work, as usual. He didn't know how much more he could take of it. He looked out the window and saw that some of Squad 4 was moving a large pile of debris. The only squads that were helping were Squads 8 and 13. The other squads were either at the Seireitei pool or at one of the restaurants or taverns.

"HEY! WHERE'S THAT LEMONADE?" one of the soldiers from Squad 6 shouted. "WE'RE GETTING THIRSTY!"

"Comin', damn assholes," Hanataro murmured. He wasn't usually the type to get mad, but the way the other squads were treating them was making him angry.

"Hanataro?" Rin Tsubokura asked.

"Hey Rin," Hanataro said.

"Are you holding up?"

"I don't know how much of this crap I can take. I mean, to them Squad 4 is only good for healing and cleaning up after them."

"I know," Rin said. "Most of my squad thinks that I'm only good for eating candy. They never recall that I was the one who first noticed when the Arrancars invaded Karakura Town. If you think you've reached your breaking point, then perhaps you should show them what you're capable of."

"Are you sure?" Hanataro asked. "I mean, the only other people who know are Captain Unohana and Masami Masaru from Squad 13."

"Isn't Masami that girl who's been coming onto you?"

"Yeah, that's her," Hanataro said and blushed.

"Then you should show her that you're not a push-over."

"Are you sure? I mean, what if she doesn't like me if I…you know."

"I'm sure she'll like you," Rin said. "Who knows, she might like you even more if you show that you're not someone who could be pushed around."

Hanataro knew that Rin was right. If Squad 4 was to get any respect, they would have to stand up and show the other squads exactly what they could do.

_**Las Noches**_

Rudobon and Skullak watched as the droids wondered around the ruined areas of Las Noches. So far, fifty of the droids were swallowed by a school of Sand Worms that Szayel Aporro had been studying. Fortunately, the Exequias were able to push the giant beasts back into their holding pit and were busy making repairs to make sure the Sand Worms did not escape again.

"Thank Aizen that Szayel Aporro kept the thumpers in a different location," Skullak said. "Otherwise, the Exequias wouldn't have been able to recapture them."

"So far, the droids have done their job and their loss will somewhat be mourned for that," Rudobon said. "The Arrancars are moving in to begin the cleanup."

Meanwhile on the ground below, Yylfordt was walking with Di Roy and Findor through the ruins. They saw Poww in his Resurrección help moving the larger boulders with Avirama shouting encouragements.

"THAT'S GOOD POWW! PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN DO IT!"

"I can never understand how you guys put up with him," Yylfordt said to Findor.

"Most of us got used to his methods of…encouragement. Of course, he's not as bad as Cuuhlhourne," Findor said.

"I'm surprised anyone can put up with him," Di Roy said.

"Exacta," Findor said. "So, how close are we to your brother's lab?"

"Not far," Yylfordt said. "Ah, we're close," he said and pointed to a sign that read:

ALL TRESPASSERS WILL BE:

DRUGGED, BOUND, TORN TO SHREDS

**AND SUBJECT FOR EXPERIMENTATION**

(THAT MEANS YOU TOO BROTHER)

PLEASE FILL OUT ONE OF THE FORMS BELOW TO SHOW THAT YOU HAVE READ THIS WARNING

AND ARE STILL IDIOTIC ENOUGH TO TRESPASS

HAVE A NICE DAY

"Nice of him to let him know what we're in for," Di Roy said.

"Exacta," Findor said. "So, what was your brother working on anyways?"

"I don't know," Yylfordt said. "He mentioned something about building a secret army for Lord Aizen. When I asked him about it he told me to mind my own business."

"I just hope we don't find anything too unpleasant," Di Roy said.

Yylfordt looked at him as though Di Roy should know better. This was Szayel Aporro Granz they were talking about.

_**Seireitei**_

"It's time that we stand up for ourselves," Yasochika said to the gathered members of Squad 4. "The only squads who are helping us are Squads 8 and 13. All of the others are following Squad 11's lead and refusing to help us with repairing the Seireitei."

The other members of Squad 4 nodded in agreement. Hanataro looked at his fellow Squad 4 members and stood up.

"Hanataro, you wish to say something?"

"I do, Third-Seat Yasochika," he said. "I believe that it's time for us to…to do as Captain Unohana instructed."

The others gasped.

"You mean to use _that_?" one of them asked.

"What other choice do we have?" another said. "Hanataro's right. It's the only way to get the other squads to fall in line. We have to do it."

"Very well," Yasochika said. "Permission is granted for all Squad 4 members who can perform Bankai to do Bankai if they have to. However, it should be obvious that your Bankais are only to be used to…scare anyone who tries to give you any problems."

All of Squad 4 grinned and nodded in agreement. The other squads never really understood why their squad wasn't allowed to fight in a battle where the use of Bankai would be required. However, they would understand soon enough.

_**Las Noches**_

Cirucci released the blades of her wings. The blades whizzed through the air and cut the ruined pillars to a more manageable size for the other Arrancars to carry away. Dordoni was using his own Resurrección to clear pieces of debris from areas where the work platforms would be set up when the time came to repair the dome.

"Alright, let's get that large piece of the dome moved out of the way," Skullak said. "Runuganga, would you and Battikaroa be kind and move that piece of the dome out of the way?"

"As you wish," the two large sandmen said and they lifted the piece of the dome with ease.

"Thank you," Skullak said. "You can set it with the other pieces and we'll let you know when we're ready to repair the dome."

"Yes sir," Runuganga said. "I better get back to patrolling the Basin."

"Good idea," Rudobon said.

"Cirucci, darling, you're doing really nice work," Skullak said.

"And you're doing a nice job of doing nothing but give out orders," Cirucci said.

Skullak grinned and picked up a piece of the ruined dome and set it with the others. He grinned up at Cirucci who only rolled her eyes.

"Well, I better start doing something. Otherwise Cirucci will keep calling me a lazy-ass bum," Skullak said.

"I'm surprised that you can put up with her," Rudobon said.

"She's worth it," Skullak said.

"Hold on, I'm just receiving a report," Rudobon said and lifted a hand to the side of his head just below the curved horn. "The droids have entered the remnants of Szayel Aporro's lab and so far almost half of them have been lost. Damn, what has Szayel Aporro been experimenting with?"

"From what I heard from Lumina and Verona," Skullak said, "nothing pleasant. He's been building a secret army for Lord Aizen that is sure to win us the war."

"If Szayel Aporro is involved…I shudder to think what it is," Rudobon said.

_**Seireitei**_

"Get out of our way," the member of Squad 11 said as he pushed Hanataro to the ground.

"Yeah, make way for the Warriors of Squad 11, the best squad in all of the Seireitei," another said.

Hanataro felt the rage build up inside him. But he kept his head. However, soon Squad 4 would rise up and show that they would not be pushed around anymore. Hanataro stood up and the Squad 11 members looked at him.

"Well…I guess you really don't understand where your squad belongs," one of them said.

"I…beg your pardon sir, but Head-Captain Yamamoto put Squad 4 in charge of repairs," Hanataro said, pretending to be afraid.

"Oh really? Well how about that? But it doesn't change the fact that you're Squad 4 and we're Squad 11. Squad 11 doesn't take orders from Squad 4. Understand, runt?"

"I understand sir," Hanataro whispered.

That was when the device that Squad 4 commandeered from Squad 12 was turned on. Hanataro looked up and smiled as he saw Unohana's face rise high into the air.

"ATTENTION SEIREITEI. I AM CAPTAIN RETSU UNOHANA OF SQUAD 4."

"By the Great Soul King Chappy," one of the Squad 11 members moaned.

"IF YOU ARE SEEING THIS, THEN THAT MEANS THAT THE SQUADS HAVE BEEN MISBEHAVING AND NOT DOING AS INSTRUCTED. THEREFORE, WITH PERMISSION FROM HEAD CAPTAIN YAMAMOTO, I AM GRANTING PERMISSION FOR ALL SQUAD 4 MEMBERS TO RELEASE THEIR BANKAIS. HAVE A NICE DAY," she said and gave her _other _smile.

Hanataro grinned as he unsheathed his sword and showed the members of Squad 11 his Bankai.

Screams of terror rose throughout the Seireitei.

_**Las Noches**_

Nakeem and Edorad stood looking at the remains of Szayel Aporro's lab.

"Well, we're here," Nakeem said. "But I don't see the others."

"They'll be here," Edorad said. He turned and looked at the menacing pair of doors. "Should I try again?" he asked and held up the walkie-talkie.

"Nah," Nakeem said. "Frankly, I would rather not go in there."

"I can't say that I blame you, but we have to make sure that all of Szayel Aporro's experiments are rounded-up and accounted for. Otherwise we'll have to deal with Aizen and Szayel Aporro knows what."

"Obviously nothing good," Yylfordt said as he and some of the other Arrancars arrived.

"It's about time you got here," Edorad said.

"So, is this what you needed our assistance with?" Rudobon asked as he approached the doors.

"Perhaps we shouldn't open it," Dordoni said and pointed to the sign next to the door:

DO NOT OPEN

KEEP OUT

GO AWAY

ARE YOU REALLY SURE YOU WANT TO OPEN THIS DOOR?

I ASK AGAIN, ARE YOU SURE?

FINE, BUT DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU

HAVE A NICE DAY

"Yeah, it might be best to just leave it alone," Yylfordt said.

"EXACTA!" Findor cried out. "I agree. If you see a sign that tells you to keep out, then you keep out."

"I agree," Skullak said. "If it's something that Szayel Aporro is working on and if it's safely behind closed doors, then we should just let it be."

"I agree," Rudobon said.

"You're all a bunch of foo's for even arguin' about it," Gantenbainne said. "If the sign tells you to keep out then you keep out."

"Alright, so we don't open it. Yet…oh Aizen the curiosity," Di Roy said.

"Don't even think about it," Edorad said.

"Fine, whatever," Di Roy said and kicked the door.

"Don't do that," Cirucci said. "What if you activated something by doing that?"

"It's just a door," Di Roy said and shrugged. "I mean come on, how bad can it be?"

They all looked at him as though he was insane or just plain stupid.

_**Seireitei**_

Hanataro stood on top of the tall block of stone. He was prepared to give the workers water when they needed it. Ever since the members of Squad 4 showed the other squads what they were capable of, the others quickly agreed to do whatever they were commanded to do. Ever since then, the debris from the ruins that were done in the brawl that caused Yamamoto to abduct the other Captains to a summer camp was nearly cleared.

"Hanataro," a girl with dark hair tied into a braid that hung over her shoulder yelled out and came rushing towards him. Her gold eyes glittered with delight.

"Oh…uh…hey Masami," he said and began to fidget with his hands. "I hope…I hope that things are going uh…"

"Oh, everything's fine. We're very happy that the other squads are doing their part now. I'm glad that Squad 4 has finally decided to stand up for itself. But I'm a little worried."

"What are you worried about?"

"Those," she said and pointed.

Hanataro turned and stared. He didn't know what to make of what he was seeing.

"Did you know about those?" Masami asked.

"No, I didn't," Hanataro said. "I don't even think Captain Unohana knew about them either. I don't think she would approve of them."

"I never thought she would be the type of person who would approve of those," Masami said.

Hanataro stood still and stared as the line of golden statues made in the likeness of Captain Unohana were dragged throughout the cleared streets of the Seireitei. He could hear some of the other members of Squad 4 singing songs devoted to the greatness of Captain Unohana. Hanataro felt a wave of nausea run through him.

"Oh no," Hanataro moaned.

_**Las Noches**_

"I mean come on, how bad can it be?" Di Roy asked.

"Are you serious? This is my brother we're talking about," Yylfordt said.

"Good point," he said and leaned against the wall.

Unfortunately, the like what happened to Short Round in _Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom_, when Di Roy leaned against the wall he accidentally pushed in a button. Immediately the large panel slid open to reveal a gaping black hole.

"Di Roy, what did you do?" Yylfordt asked.

"I don't know, but perhaps we should take a look."

"That's a bad idea," Nakeem said.

"EXACTA!" Findor cried out.

"Well, I'm going in," Di Roy said.

However, as he passed through the entryway, the air was filled with the wailing sound of a siren. Di Roy backed away, but the damage was already done. Inside, a loud chorus of an all-too-familiar voice cried out in perfect unison as Aizen's secret army awoke. The words brought a chill to the spine and many of the Arrancars who gathered at the entrance ran away in terror.

"Oh shit," Yylfordt moaned when he heard the most dreaded words in the entire universe said by countless voices.

"SPARKLE, REINA DE ROSAS!"

**End of Chapter 7**

**Lawyer: IS THAT IT?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: That's all there is. We're all caught up with what's been going on in the Seireitei and Las Noches.**

**Lawyer: You mean we have to wait a while to see what's going to happen?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: I'm afraid so. But next chapter we'll get back to Camp Smiley. In the meantime, I'll be keeping the cameras recording.**

**Lawyer: So, what's been going on at Camp Smiley?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Sorry, but you're going to have to wait. In the meantime dear readers...**

**Lawyer: ...thank you for reading and please review.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Remind me of WHY I'm putting up with you.**

**Lawyer: The lovely fine print in our contract.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: That's right. I would like to wish all of you a Happy 4th of July. Now, time to get the hot dogs and hamburgers ready.**


	8. Chapter 8: A Figure in the Dark

**Bleach Summer Camp**

**Chapter 8: A Figure in the Dark**

"Is everyone relaxed now?" Zommari asked.

They were all sitting in a circle for their first exercise. For some reason, when Mr. Noying heard that Zommari loved meditation, he thought it was a good idea for Zommari to lead a meditation session. Zommari kept his eyes closed and he sat in the lotus position.

"Nnoitora, if you're not going to participate then I'm afraid you won't get a gold star," Zommari said as he kept his eyes closed.

"How the Hell does he do that?" Nnoitora asked.

"Maybe he has magical powers," Tesla said.

"Alright now," Zommari continued. "Embrace your inner pumpkin."

"Why a pumpkin?" Lilynette asked. "What's so special about a pumpkin?"

"Do I even want to know?" Harribel asked.

"Now, clench your hands into fists and raise them into the air. In a loud voice shout out, 'BANZAI, BANZAI, BANZAI! LONG LIVE LORD AIZEN! BANZAI!'"

"How about…no," Hitsugaya said.

"No kidding," Apacci said. "Why would we be praising someone who sent us here?"

"No shit," Mila Rose said.

"Why did Mr. Noying put _him_ in charge of meditation?" Sui-Feng asked. "He wants us all to 'embrace your inner pumpkin,'" she said mimicking Zommari.

"Now, now, campers, if you're not going to be nice to your fellow camper then you won't get chocolate pudding for desert," Mr. Noying said.

"Aw, but I love chocolate pudding," Nnoitora groaned.

"Thank you Zommari, for that wonderful and very relaxing session," Aizen said and began to applaud.

"Thank you, Lord Aizen," Zommari said and bowed. "I pray for success in your endeavors."

"Man, Zommari's an even bigger kiss-ass than Ulquiorra," Grimmjow said, sounding completely shocked.

"Why am I not surprised?" Shinji asked himself as he rolled his eyes.

"That was the stupidest thing ever," Hiyori said.

"Attention everyone, as head of our little get-together, I hereby award Zommari ten gold stars," Aizen said.

"And I give him another ten," Yamamoto said.

"Why?" Ulquiorra asked.

"It was because he praised me so elegantly," Aizen said.

"Also, he knows that I love pumpkins," Yamamoto said.

"So…how did they become our leaders again?" Ichigo asked Ulquiorra.

"I do not know," Ulquiorra said and sighed.

"Alright everyone," Mr. Noying said and clapped his hands. "Now that we got our meditation time out of the way, I want you all to break into groups according to your cabin numbers. I would like for all of you to get to know your cabin mates a bit better."

"We kinda already know each other," Lilynette said.

"Yeah, we had to travel here together," Menoly said.

"Hey wait a minute. Weren't you and Loly back in Las Noches?" Ggio asked.

"Those were our twin sisters, dumbass," Loly said. "What's the matter, can't you tell us apart?"

"Wait a minute, you two are Loly and Menoly's twins and you're both named Loly and Menoly?" Tesla asked.

"Yeah," Loly and Menoly said.

"My twin sister's name is Menoly," Loly said.

"And mine is Loly," Menoly said.

"Okay, that's really confusing," Tesla said.

"**Don't worry about it.**"

"_Aizen likes to confuse people a lot._"

"That's an understatement," Grimmjow said as he passed to get into his group.

Once everyone was in their groups, A. Noying clapped his hands. Everyone looked at him.

"Is everyone in their cabin groups? Good. Now, I'll explain the instructions. I want you to go around your groups and I want you to give your names and tell one thing that you like and one thing that you don't like. When you have all finished, you may head to the dining hall, which is down the path behind the amphitheater. Now, are there any questions?"

"Yeah," Starrk said. "What exactly is the point of this exercise?"

There were murmurs of agreement at that.

"The point of this exercise," Mr. Noying said, "is to help you come to trust each other. Sharing personal information shows that you can trust each other."

"I hope that doesn't include Social Security Numbers or bank PINs," Harribel said.

"Or our measurements," Apacci said.

"Don't worry, you don't have to provide that kind of information," Mr. Noying said and smiled. "Basic information such as likes and dislikes are excellent starting-points in helping us get along with each other. Now let's see. I think a demonstration is in order. How about we start with you with the blue hair?"

"Why me?" Grimmjow snarled.

"Well, you do seem a bit hostile," Mr. Noying said.

"I'll show you 'hostile,'" he snarled.

"Come on. If you do it in front of everyone, then you won't have to do it later. Also, you'll get a chocolate sundae for desert."

"Damn you," Grimmjow moaned. If Grimmjow had one weakness, aside from milk and yarn and catnip and beating people to a pulp, it was chocolate sundaes. "Fine. Hi, my name is Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez. I like beating people up and I hate that guy over there," he said and pointed at Ichigo.

"The feeling's mutual," Ichigo said.

"Now, why do you hate Mr. Kurosaki?"

"Why do I have to answer?"

"I'm sensing a lot of hostility."

"Fucking-A," Grimmjow said. "That's because this wasn't supposed to turn into some therapy session."

"Ah, but Grimmjow, the whole point of this camp is to help each of you learn how to get along with each other. And that will include therapy sessions with our licensed therapist."

"Where is this 'licensed therapist'?" Grimmjow asked. "Why isn't he here?"

"He holds…night sessions."

"Great…just what we need. A frickin' Vampire for a therapist," Nnoitora moaned and then his eyes popped open. He made his way over to Gin and whispered in his ear. "Hey, Gin, I just thought of something."

"What is it?" Gin asked.

"You recommended to Aizen that we come here, but who recommended this place to you?"

"That would be…" suddenly Gin's eyes widened. "Oh…my…Aizen, that's it. Kaname suggested this place. If they have a Vampire for a therapist, then that proves that Kaname's a ghost. I must inform Aizen at once."

"Shouldn't we…you know…find a way out of here?"

"Later, but first we must deal with the Vampire and Kaname. They're in league with each other. I want you to get the other T.A.G. members together. We'll have an emergency meeting at dinner."

"Alright, everyone," Mr. Noying said. "Now that you have an idea of how this works, I would like all of you to get into your groups."

_**The Dining Hall, One hour later**_

"That was the most pointless exercise ever," Mila Rose said.

"No shit," Apacci said. "I mean seriously. People were holding info back. I wanted to have something juicy to tell Loly and Menoly's sisters, Loly and Menoly."

"We kinda knew that they hate not being distinguished from their twin sisters," Sung-Sun said.

"Hey Starrk, what are you thinking about?" Harribel asked.

"Something's not right," Starrk said. "I'm thinking about what that guy told us back in Smiley Town."

"What guy?" Lilynette asked.

"You mean about how people just vanish for no reason here?" Harribel asked.

"That's right," Starrk said.

"Then maybe we should try to see what we can find."

"Miss Harribel, we'll help as well," Sung-Sun said.

"Yeah, that way Nnoitora won't even think about trying to hit on you," Apacci said and glared over at the table where Nnoitora was sitting and staring in their direction.

_**T.A.G. Team**_

"Alright, Nnoitora, I want you to make sure that neither Kaname nor Wonderweiss are near. If Kaname is in league with the Vampire then in all likelihood Wonderweiss is as well."

"Fine," Nnoitora said as he looked back to staring at Starrk and Harribel. He was wondering what those two were up to and then decided that it didn't matter. He began to look in other directions, but neither Kaname nor Wonderweiss was in sight. "I don't see them," Nnoitora whispered.

"That's probably because they're making their rounds," Tesla said.

"Or maybe they're meeting with the Vampire," Momo said.

"That could be it," Gin said. "Oh sweet Aizen, I just remembered. Vampires can read minds. We need to find a way to block our thoughts. Otherwise, the Vampire will become alert to our attentions. We need tinfoil hats."

"**But how…**"

"_...can we wear a tin foil hat?_"

"That's an excellent point," Szayel Aporro said. "However, I think that you'll have nothing to worry about. I highly doubt that a Vampire could read your minds."

"_**How do you know?**_" the two floating heads asked in unison.

"**What if the Vampire…**"

"_…finds our mental stash of porn?_"

"Don't worry, we'll find a way to protect your…mind…minds? Damn it. Should we just make one tinfoil hat for their tank head or two separate hats for both heads?" Gin asked.

"Then there's the problem of getting the hat on their heads," Zommari said.

"Don't worry, if a Koi could get into their tank, then so can tinfoil hats," Gin said.

_**Outside the Dining Hall**_

"OUAAAHHAAAAAAAAAA GYAAAAAAWAAAAAAA"

"Excellent, Wonderweiss," Kaname said. "It's good to know that so far everything's clear. Now then…" He stopped when he heard voices coming his way. "Wonderweiss, we need to hide. Someone's coming."

They immediately ducked into a pile of bushes as Yoruichi and Sui-Feng made their way down the trail. Kaname and Wonderweiss both observed (Kaname could do this since he was wearing his pair of Justice Glasses, all rights reserved) the two women walking down the path.

"So you're thinking that the Koi might decide to attack, Lady Yoruichi?"

"I have no doubt. That Koi in that Arrancar's head…bowl…thingy must be their scout. Of course I'm not surprised that Byakuya has taken the enemy's side."

"Would you like me to take care of him?"

"No…that won't be necessary. Captain Unohana is already having Captain Ukitake keep an eye on him," she smiled at that. "I pity Jushiro. He has no idea how he got caught up in this, but he doesn't dare disobey Retsu. She's got him well-trained."

"Indeed. But will the cat fleet be ready in time?"

"I don't know," Yoruichi said and sighed. "However, one way or another, we will protect Isane from the Kamaboko King."

"Uh…I know I shouldn't be questioning your word, but is there such a thing as a Kamaboko King?"

"Isane seems to think so. Relax, Sui-Feng, we're just making sure that Kiyone feels safe. If that means mobilizing my cat army ahead of schedule then so be it. However, we must prepare for the inevitable Koi invasion. Is that clear?"

"Yes ma'am. Should I get Yachiru involved since she hunts for Koi in Byakuya's pond and then places them in Ukitake's pond when he feels down?"

"That's a great idea. That way we can get Kenpachi and Ikkaku and Yumichika on our side before they join Byakuya's little group. Come, we must prepare."

Kaname and Wonderweiss observed as Yoruichi and Sui-Feng ran down the path. They were about to emerge from their hiding place when they heard more voices approach. They quickly ducked as Renji and Hiyori came running along the path.

"Damn, we lost them," Renji said.

"I told you we should have moved faster, Dumbass," Hiyori said and slapped Renji with her sandal. "Great, now what are we going to tell Kuchiki? He was counting on us to gather intelligence on what Yoruichi is planning."

"I'm sure another opportunity will present itself. Now come on, they might have gone this way," Renji said and ran down one of the side paths. Hiyori gritted her teeth and followed.

Kaname and Wonderweiss looked at each other.

"Well…that's odd," Kaname said. "I wonder what they were talking about."

"HWAAAA AAA"

"It's good to know that I'm not the only one," Kaname said.

_**Hot Springs**_

"Ah, this is the life," Aizen said as he allowed himself to sink into the warm water.

"You said it," Yamamoto agreed.

"Too…hot," Chojiro groaned. His body was now as red as a lobster. He crawled his way out of the hot springs and collapsed on the ground.

"You know," Aizen said. "I like it here. I don't think I would want to leave."

"I know what you mean," Yamamoto said and sighed. "I mean, the hot springs in the Soul Society just don't compare."

"I know and there's really nothing to do in Las Noches," Aizen said. "Maybe we should just pack up and move to the World of the Living. I mean, let's face it. The afterlife is so overrated."

"You said it and I agree."

"I hope that the clean-up crew is doing a good job," Aizen said. "I mean, do you know how much work it takes to pain an extremely large dome to look like a sunlit sky?"

"No, how long did it take?"

"Well, it took Rudobon and his Exequias approximately five days to finish the paint job and they did a really great job. You should see it sometime."

"I shall. Maybe one day we can come over for a visit."

"That'd be splendid," Aizen said and clapped his hands in glee. "Hey, maybe we can do it for our Second Annual Building Bridges Convention."

"Now there's an idea," Yamamoto said. "In the meantime we can send representatives from our sides to live in the other's domain for a period of time."

"Ooh, that's a lovely idea."

"It's so…nice…to…get…cool," Chojiro moaned and fainted.

_**Starrk and Harribel**_

"So, what do you think we're looking for?" Starrk asked.

"I don't know," Harribel said. "However, that guy who looked like Robert Shaw in the restaurant said that it started when some guy brought ten guests to the island and they all died. So maybe there's something going on."

"You mean like ghosts?" Starrk asked. "Come on, what do we have to afraid of with ghosts? We're kind of ghosts ourselves."

"Hush, I'm not talking about ghosts," Harribel said. "I think that Mr. Noying and this mysterious therapist have something to do with it. I mean, why didn't we see him earlier and what kind of therapist keeps night hours?"

"Obviously someone who prefers the night," Starrk said and then looked around. "Of course, this might all be some kind of practical joke."

"Oh Aizen, that would be the crappiest reveal ever," Harribel said. "I can just see it now, Mr. Noying comes up to the stage and says that the mystery of Smiley Island was made in order for us to learn how to get along in order to figure it out before we all vanished."

"I know," Starrk said and they began to laugh. "But in all seriousness, I don't think that's going to happen."

"Then, we better solve it," Harribel said and nudged Starrk in the side. "I think I know of what we should look for."

"Oh…and what might that be?"

"Duh…we should look for the old house. That's where it all began."

"Okay, so…what'll it look like?"

"Well, it'll be old and rundown and probably have statues of nude cherubs or something gaudy like that."

"Yeah, and they'll probably be an overgrown path leading towards it," Starrk said.

"So, where should we start?"

"Well…let's try over there," Starrk said and pointed to where the outline of a trail was barely visible in the vegetation.

_**Ichigo and Rukia**_

"I…HATE THIS PLACE!" Ichigo shouted.

"Why? What did this place ever do to you?"

"Oh come on…just look at what we're wearing!"

"I think it's kinda cute."

Ichigo sighed and plopped onto the ground. He clenched his hands into fists and gritted his teeth. He just wanted to jump into the ocean and just swim for shore. He laid back and put his hands over his face.

"This is so embarrassing. What's more is that we have the frickin' Arrancars here."

"KUROSAKI, I CAN SEE YOUR UNDERPANTS!" Grimmjow shouted and began to laugh.

"SHUT UP!" Ichigo shouted. "Do you see what I mean?"

"Oh come on, it's just Grimmjow being his normal self. Besides," she said in a whisper. "I have it on good authority that Nel can keep him under control."

"Really?" Ichigo said and grinned. "Oh man, I'm so going to use that bit of information."

"I wouldn't bother," someone said.

They turned and saw a rather tall thin man with stringy black hair and black eyes say. He was dressed in a white button-down shirt and a pair of black slacks with black suspenders.

"Uh…who are you?"

"I am Shukuro Tsukishima, don't you remember?"

"Uh…am I supposed to?" Ichigo asked.

"Wait a minute," he said and looked around. "This is Camp Smiley isn't it?"

"Uh…yeah."

"Crap, I don't want to be here. I'm going to take myself out of this memory now and hopefully I won't come back here," Tsukishima said and then he was gone.

"What the…? What the Hell was that about?"

"What are you talking about?" Rukia asked.

"That guy who was there."

"What guy? Ichigo, there wasn't any guy there. Maybe you're hallucinating."

"Uh…right," Ichigo said and shook his head. "Damn that Book of the End," he muttered. "It's completely messing with my brain."

_**T.A.G. Team**_

"Alright, is everyone here?" Gin asked.

"Yes sir," Momo said and saluted.

"Excellent. Nnoitora, did you get the tinfoil from the kitchen?"

"Got it right here," Nnoitora said as he and Tesla held up four boxes of tinfoil.

"Excellent. Zommari, did you…? Oh," he said as Zommari held up the oversized crucifix and a bottle of holy water.

"Where did you get holy water?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"I got it from that guy over there," he said and pointed to an old priest who was hiding in the bushes and looking around. "He said his name was Father Callahan and that he came from some place called Salem's Lot and then moved to Calla Bryn Sturgis. He's an expert on Vampires."

"Well, tell him to get his ass over…ooh…look at the pretty turtle," Gin said.

They all gazed at the carving that Father Callahan was holding up. When Father Callahan saw that they were all properly distracted, he made a run for it. He had to make sure that _The Dark Tower_ got made into a movie. Otherwise, after the release of _The Hobbit_, American films would be dominated by Romantic Comedies and idiotic Family Films. When Father Callahan made his escape, unfortunately he was too late to "persuade" Universal to take the risk.

"Uh…what happened?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"I remember seeing the most beautiful turtle in the world," Momo sighed. "Upon his shell he holds the earth."

"I hate to say it, but the Turtle's dead," Zommari said and sighed.

"Okay, that's enough Stephen King," Gin said. "Let's get focused on how we're going to handle the Vampire. Let's begin by making the tinfoil hats. Szayel Aporro, you can see if there's any way of getting access into Aaroniero's tank."

"Yes sir," Szayel Aporro said. He turned to look at Aaroniero and smiled. "This should give me the perfect opportunity to see exactly what's inside your tank."

"_**GET AWAY PSYCHO PINK!**_"

_**The Sewing Circle**_

"So, anyways, that's how I ended up having to do all of Squad 4's sewing for a week," Omaeda said.

"I feel so sorry for you," Grimmjow said and patted his shoulder.

"Yeah, having Captains Unohana and Sui-Feng team up on you like that can be pretty scary," Nanao said. "That's why I'm glad to be in Squad 8."

"I thought it was because you liked Captain Kyoraku," Uryu said.

"Oh shut up," Nanao moaned.

"Ooh, I think someone is in denial," Luppi said and clicked his tongue against the back of his teeth.

"Oh shut up. At least I'm not like…" then a wicked gleam entered her eyes. "Hey Grimmjow, you want to know something about Uryu over here."

"Ooh, what is it?" Grimmjow asked and grinned.

"I sense juicy gossip," Nel said and leaned forward.

"Well…I know that Uryu has a crush on Nemu."

"Really?"

"Nanao, that's enough."

"However, I have it on good authority that Nemu also likes Uryu. And…that she snuck out to go to the World of the Living to watch him sleep."

"Whoa, Uryu, you've got a stalker," Grimmjow said and nudged Uryu and laughed.

"Knock it off, or I won't tell you anything about Ichigo that you can use against him," Uryu hissed.

That caused Grimmjow to stop and then he nodded.

"Alright, let's leave Uryu alone," Grimmjow said.

"Wow, Grimm, that's so…mature of you," Nel said. "I think that Grimm-Kitty is becoming a grown Grimm-Cat."

"Nel," Grimmjow said and blushed. "Stop embarrassing me."

_**T.A.G. Team**_

"Come on, Shuhei," Kira hissed. "Gin wants to make sure that we find any possible location that the Vampire could be."

"Yeah, I'm coming," Shuhei said. "I wonder where Captain…I mean ex-Captain Tosen is."

"I'm sure he's around," Kira said.

Just then they heard footsteps rushing through undergrowth. Before they could move they saw Captain Komamura running past them. Their eyes went wide when they saw for the first time that his entire body was like a dog's.

"I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE!" Komamura shouted and then howled in joy.

As Komamura ran past the two looked at each other and shrugged.

"Alright, so we need to find some place old and run down," Kira said.

"Why?"

"Don't you know anything about Vampires? They always live in someplace rundown and old. Don't you watch any movies about Vampires?"

"Well…I did see _Twilight_. Does that count?"

"NO!" Kira said and slapped Shuhei across the 69 tattoo on his face.

"Alright, alright, jeez you didn't have to hit me like that."

"I'm sorry. I just get angry whenever someone mentions that piece of desecration."

"Yeah…just don't let Rangiku hear you say that."

They moved on when they heard something moving. They turned and tried to look into the thick underbrush. However, they could see nothing. They looked at each other and nodded. They brought out the makeshift crosses of two Popsicle sticks taped together that Gin gave them. They yelled and rushed into the underbrush only to run into Mila Rose and Apacci.

"HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" Apacci screamed and slapped Shuhei across the face.

"DUMBASS!" Mila Rose screamed as she strangled Kira.

"S-S-Sorry," Shuhei muttered as he backed away. "We're sorry! We're sorry! Please, don't kill us."

"Hey Mila Rose, put the pipsqueak down," Apacci said.

"Why? I'm having…too…much…fun seeing him…turn…blue," Mila Rose said.

Kira tried to say something, but could only mouth _help me_.

"Mila Rose, I don't think Lady Harribel will be too happy if you kill a weakling like that. Besides, he's not one of the Pervs."

"Oh…in that case," Mila Rose said and dropped Kira who began to gasp for breath.

"So, what are you two doing out here?" Apacci asked.

"We could ask you the same question, but Kira needs to get his breath, so I'll ask it for him. What are you doing out here?"

"Oh no, we asked you first," Mila Rose said. "If you don't answer, then we won't answer."

"Alright, fine," Shuhei said and sighed. "We're out here trying to find the Vampire."

"What Vampire?"

"The one…that…Tosen's working with," Kira gasped.

Apacci and Mila Rose looked at each other and sighed. They began to wonder just how many sane people there were on this island. However, they knew that they could use these two to help them find information about the island. They grinned at each other and then looked back at Shuhei and Kira.

"Okay, you're looking for a Vampire and we're looking for information about the island," Apacci said. "Who's to say that the two aren't the same? If we team up, then we can beat Sung-Sun in obtaining that information for Lady Harribel."

"Uh…okay," Kira said and he looked at Shuhei. "I guess we can work with you."

"Good boy," Mila Rose said and grinned.

_**Sung-Sun, Tatsuki, and Orihime**_

"Okay, so this Harribel thinks that something's wrong with the island, right?" Tatsuki asked.

"That's right. Plus, there's a possibility that whatever caused the people at Smiley Town to be afraid of this place can put us all in danger," Sung-Sun said.

"Ooh, this sounds exciting," Orihime said. "How can we help?"

"Well, since the councilors have been here longer than the rest of us, you can tell me if you know of a place that's old and rundown."

"You mean like the Old Camp?" Tatsuki asked.

"What do you mean by the 'Old Camp'?" Sung-Sun asked.

"They mentioned it in our orientation," Orihime said. "It was originally a mansion before it got converted into the first Camp Smiley. They now use it for the Therapist's Office."

_Jackpot,_ Sung-Sun thought and smiled.

"Do you know where it is?"

"Well sure," Tatsuki said. "We can take you there if you'd like."

"Tomorrow," Sung-Sun said. "It's getting dark."

_**Starrk and Harribel**_

"Hey, it's starting to get dark. Maybe we should head back," Starrk said.

"Yeah, but…"

"Look, I'm sure that either Sung-Sun or Apacci or Mila Rose found someone who can lead us to where we need to go. If we stay out here much longer then we'll get lost."

"I wouldn't mind that," Harribel whispered.

"Uh…what was that?"

"Nothing," Harribel said. "Just that I think you're right. We could get lost and stumble off a cliff or something and that would be very bad."

"Yeah, and besides, I promised Lilynette that I would read her a bedtime story. Which cabin is she staying in?"

"She's in Girl Cabin 3," Harribel said.

"Uh…isn't that the one with that weird Chizuru girl?"

"Yeah, but she only bothers Momo, Apacci, Sung-Sun, and Mila Rose."

"That's…just about everyone in her cabin."

"She leaves Lilynette alone though."

"Well that's a relief."

"Now come on before…"

They heard something rustling in the bushes. Starrk stepped in front of Harribel and peered into the thicket. One would think that he would call out, but Starrk saw too many horror movies and knew that when something was rustling in the bushes you never ever called out. Instead he backed away and Harribel backed away with him.

That was when the figure jumped up like a jack-in-the-box. Starrk and Harribel only moaned when they saw that it was Gin dressed in camouflage except for the tinfoil hat on his head.

"Let me guess," Starrk said. "The aliens are invading."

"Nope," Gin said. "The Vampire is out."

"Vampires?" Harribel asked.

"That's right," Szayel Aporro said as he also emerged. "Vampires, Nosferatu, the Un-dead; they suck your blood and all that lovely stuff."

"We know what Vampires are," Starrk said and rolled his eyes. "But…why are you wearing tinfoil hats?"

"_It's to keep the Vampire…_"

"**…from reading or controlling our minds.**"

When Aaroniero stood up, Starrk and Harribel looked in surprise seeing that the two heads and Alice the Koi were each wearing tinfoil hats.

"Uh…you do realize this isn't _Signs_, right?" Starrk asked.

"That's true," Zommari said as he emerged, also wearing a tinfoil hat. "But if tinfoil hats can keep the aliens from reading our minds, then it should work against Vampires."

"Oh for Aizen's sake," Harribel moaned as she face-palmed herself. "Look, Vampires can gain control over you through eye-contact, you idiots."

"And also if they bite you," Starrk said. "But that's beside the point. What makes you think there's a Vampire on the island?"

"Well, for starters there's a Therapist who doesn't come out in the day and only keeps night hours," Szayel Aporro said.

"Also, Kaname's a ghost," Gin said.

"Not that again," Harribel moaned. "Think about it, you idiot. We…are…all…GHOSTS!"

"That's rude," Momo said as she emerged (guess what was on top of her head). "A ghost is a dead person and we're not dead."

Starrk and Harribel looked at each other and moaned. They could not possibly believe that Soul Reapers and Arrancars couldn't possibly process the fact that they died before and were mostly invisible to regular humans. By the very definition, they were ghosts.

"Look, we're going back to our cabins," Starrk sighed. "Have fun finding your Vampire."

"Thanks, we will," Gin said and grinned.

"Bel, I think when we get back to Las Noches, we should just turn in our resignation papers and move somewhere like Mexico or something."

"Sounds good," Harribel agreed. "But I would prefer the Bahamas."

_**T.A.G. Team**_

"What do you think those two were doing out here?" Momo asked.

"**Do you really need to ask?**"

"Now, now," Gin said. "She doesn't know Starrk and Harribel as well as we do. Listen, Momo. I know this may be difficult for you to hear, but when two Arrancars love each other very much…"

"You're not going to give her…_The Talk_?" Szayel Aporro asked with a gasp.

"I'm afraid I'll have to," Gin said. "Otherwise what she might come across would be very traumatizing and Toshiro would kick my ass."

"I…think I get the idea," Momo said and paled.

"No, I don't think you do," Gin said. "Now you need to…"

That was when they heard a strange noise coming from somewhere. They immediately straightened when they heard it.

"Uh…what was that?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Maybe it's the legendary Purple People Eater," Zommari said and gasped.

"Don't be ridiculous," Gin said.

"**I don't know. It looks pretty real…**"

"_…when we see it._"

"Okay, so how exactly can you smoke any pot when you're floating around in a tank?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Hush, listen," Gin said.

They could hear a clicking noise coming from somewhere nearby. Gin sighed in relief.

"It's just Ulquiorra," he said.

"How do you figure?" Zommari asked.

"Well…"

"YAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAA!" something cried out. "Clickety-click mother-fuckers!"

"Uh…that's not Ulquiorra," Szayel Aporro said.

Then the air was filled with the bat-like clicking noise and then something white and pale streaked across their vision. The figure flashed again and seemed to stare at them. Its eyes were black and yellow and seemed to glow with a burning fire. Its skin was extremely pale and its white hair seemed to dance like fire.

Gin and his T.A.G. Team looked at it and then screamed.

"VAMPIRE!" they screamed and began to run.

They continued to run away. Their screams were chased by the laughing of the figure in the dark.

As they ran past a clump of bushes, Ukitake burst up and looked around.

"Uh…what was that?"

"Never mind that now," Unohana said and dragged him back down into the bushes.

Somewhere in the thick forest, a certain psycho albino laughed and disappeared into the growing darkness.

**End of Chapter 8**

**Lawyer: Oh man...Ukitake and Unohana were...were...DOING IT?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Uh...yeah...now listen did your parents ever have The Talk with you?**

**Lawyer: ...No.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Then call them up and ask them about it. That's not important. What do you think is up with that crazy albino?**

**Lawyer: What crazy albino?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: ...Nevermind. At any rate what is that certain crazy albino doing here? How did Tsukishima show up like that? Does this mean that Ichigo got stabbed with Book of the End?...YAY TSUKISHIMA!**

**Lawyer: Who's Tsukishima?**

**Tsukishima: I am. Hey, thanks for giving me a cameo appearance.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Not a problem, Tsukishima. I'm a big fan and...**

**Isane (running out fo the forest): THE KAMABOKO KING IS HERE! THE KAMABOKO KING IS HERE! UNOHANA! UNOHANA! WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED HELP!**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Oh boy. It seems as though Isane thinks that Hichigo is the Kamaboko King. At any rate, that's all for now. Thank you for reading...**

**Hichigo: AND REVIEW BEFORE I CUT YOUR FUCKING HEADS OFF! YAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA!**


	9. Chapter 9: A Secret

**Bleach Summer Camp**

**Chapter 9: A. Secret**

"You saw a what?" Aizen asked.

"We…saw a…VAMPIRE!" Gin shouted. "THAT PROVES THAT TOSEN'S A GHOST!"

"Not this again," Harribel moaned from the table where she and Starrk were eating breakfast.

"Just ignore them," Starrk said as he took another bite of toast.

"Look, there's a vampire on this island," Gin said. "At first we thought it was Ulquiorra because it was making this bat-like clicking noise."

"Would you please repeat what it said exactly?" Ulquiorra asked from his place next to Aizen. "It may be important."

"I will do it," Zommari said. "It said, 'click-clack-click-click-clakity-click-clack-clack,'" Zommari said and fell silent.

"Nicely done," Yamamoto said. "That's another five gold stars for you."

"Thank you, sir," Zommari said.

"Kiss ass," Lilynette mumbled.

"Well, what does it mean?" Momo asked.

"It means, 'Fuck you all, I'm going to fucking kill you,' or something along those lines," Ulquiorra said as he took a sip of orange juice. "If you had learned to speak Bat, then you would have realized it was not me. I would never use such vulgar language. Although I do share with its sentiment with…certain people," he said and glared at Aizen from the corner of his eye.

"YOU SEE! It intends to kill us all," Gin said. "We need to hunt it down and destroy it."

"Wait a minute," Lilynette said. "Go through the list. We need to make sure that you got everything you need to battle against a vampire."

"Well, we have the Holy Water and a few crucifixes," Momo said.

"**Don't forget…**"

"_…we also have the tinfoil hats._"

"Blub…blub," Alice the Koi said from her position in Aaroniero's head bowl thingy in between the floating heads. (Translator's Note: Garlic…mirrors)

"Hmm, you don't have everything," Yamamoto said.

"What else do we need?" Gin asked.

"CROSSBOWS!" Lilynette and Yamamoto shouted out at the same time.

"And not regular crossbows either," Yamamoto said.

"That's right," Lilynette said. "Everyone knows that you need really cool, evil-looking, kick-ass crossbows when you're hunting vampires. I'm talking about the type of crossbow that can fire thirteen arrows at once or a mechanic cross bow."

"Or a crossbow that can spin around like the barrels of an old machine gun," Yamamoto said.

"Or a crossbow that can shoot out UV rays and silver bolts," Lilynette said.

"Damn it, LILLYNETTE, DON'T ENCOURAGE THEM!" Starrk shouted.

_**Ichigo**_

Ichigo really hated his uniform. He looked over at Uryu and saw that he modified it so that it didn't look quite as bad, despite the geeky cape he made to go with it. A part of him wanted to ask Uryu to modify his own uniform, but if he did that then Uryu would just include some kind of stupid cape as well.

"Yo, Ichigo," Mizuiro said as he passed. "We have a counselor's meeting…right now."

"I'm not going," Ichigo said.

"Aw, don't be like that," he said. "You know that attendance is mandatory. We're gonna go over today's activities."

"Count me out," Ichigo said.

"Well, suit yourself," Mizuiro said and rushed off to the Counselor's Offices which were down one of the side paths.

Ichigo sighed and got up. He looked around and saw that two of the Arrancars on the trip were hurrying along to one of the cabins. He watched as they looked around and snuck inside.

"I wonder what that's about," Ichigo said and sighed. "It's probably nothing."

_**Harribel**_

"Alright, so you have something to tell us," Harribel said.

She made sure that none of the counselors bothered to follow them as she and Starrk snuck off into the cabin that Sung-Sun was in. She had mentioned the night before that she had something important to tell them. Harribel knew that whenever Sung-Sun had something important to tell them that meant it was important. She thought that Apacci and Mila Rose might also have something important to tell them, but then they got into one of their arguments for some reason and neither of them told her anything.

"I do," Sung-Sun said. "I found someone who might be able to help us with finding out whatever is going on with this place. Her name is Tatsuki and she informed me early last evening that Camp Smiley used to be held at an old mansion."

Harribel and Starrk looked at each other and then back at Sung-Sun.

"Where is it?"

"She said that she'll show us today," Sung-Sun said. "However, she can't do it right now since they have a meeting to discuss the activities to do today."

"Oh joy," Starrk said and sighed.

_**Baraggan**_

Baraggan walked along one of the paths when Ggio and Cuuhlhourne caught up with him. He looked at them, giving Cuuhlhourne a brief glance but when he saw that Cuuhlhourne was wearing an even skimpier pair of the camp uniform he quickly averted his eyes, and gestured for them to follow him into one of the cabins. Ggio made sure that they weren't being followed and went inside with him.

"Alright, your majesty, what did you wish to speak to us about?" Ggio asked.

"I want to talk to you about the ladies," he said and wiggled his eyebrows.

Ggio and Cuuhlhourne looked at each other, although Ggio quickly turned to look away from Cuuhlhourne.

"King Baraggan," Cuuhlhourne said. "I must ask why you're wasting your time on the ladies. It is quite clear that none of them are interested in you."

"That's putting it lightly," Ggio muttered.

"HOW DARE YOU?" Baraggan roared. "You dare insult me, the God of Hueco Mundo in such a manner."

"However," Cuuhlhourne said. "I haven't finished yet. Have you thought of going to our dear Luppi for help?"

Baraggan lowered his fist. Ggio looked at Cuuhlhourne as though he had gone even more insane.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that dear Luppi has a little secret."

"You mean other than that he or she can change their gender every month?" Ggio asked.

"Oh yes," Cuuhlhourne said. "You see, our dear Luppi is the inventor of Love Potion Number 9."

"Uh…no he's not," Ggio said.

"That's why I said it's a secret," Cuuhlhourne said and winked. "Luppi is a genius when it comes to these matters. I would advise that you see him."

"Your Majesty," Ggio said. "This advice is coming from Charlotte Cuuhlhourne. You know how much we can rely on…him…her…whatever…when it comes to advice of any kind. And I do mean _any_ kind."

Baraggan closed his eyes and scratched the side of his head with one finger the way he did whenever he was thinking. He opened his eyes and smiled.

"Cuuhlhourne, get Luppi for me. Ggio, I want you to get Nnoitora over here as well. One way or another, I will see those sexy young vixens naked."

"I'll only help you out if I can be called your most loyally glamorous radiant starlit moonlit sunlit sparkly horrific gigantic titanic historic domestic glorious homely number one fraccion Charlotte Cuuhlhourne. Oh, and you have to get me that pony I've always wanted. After all, a princess always gets what she wants."

"Uh…sure, whatever," Baraggan said. "Why didn't I bring Avirama instead?" he muttered.

"Count me out," Ggio said. "I have no intention of…"

"If you don't, then I'll tell that petite young thing you've been keeping your eye on about your little secret," Baraggan said.

Ggio gasped.

"You wouldn't."

"I would," Baraggan said and nodded. "Plus, you might get lucky and see her naked."

"I'M IN!" Ggio shouted for two main reasons. The first was that he didn't want Sui-Feng to know that he slept with a stuffed cat that he named Mr. Paws. He doubted that she would think that was very masculine. And second: he wouldn't mind seeing Sui-Feng naked. After all, even though he was an Arrancar, he was still a straight guy.

_**Kenpachi**_

"I'm so bored," Kenpachi said. "I want to kill something."

"I know what you mean, Captain," Ikkaku said.

"Maybe we should battle some of those Arrancars," Yumichika said. "That should ease that boredom."

"Or you can play with Carrot Head," Yachiru said as she bounced her way towards them.

"Huh? What's that? Ichigo's here?" Kenpachi asked.

"Yep, he sure is," Yachiru said. "Don't you remember? We saw him when we got here and yesterday."

"That's right," Kenpachi said and broke out in his signature slasher smile. "I forgot. I guess I didn't recognize him. He wasn't in his Soul Reaper uniform nor was he carrying that big-ass Zanpakuto of his."

"Man, the Captain must be really out of it if he didn't know Ichigo was here," Ikkaku whispered.

"I know what you mean," Yumichika said. "But then again, he was only wearing nine bells over the past couple of days and not his normal ten."

"That is strange," Ikkaku said.

"Maybe Kenny's been knocked in the head one time too many," Yachiru said and began to giggle.

"Well, well, well, look who I found," Yoruichi said.

"Hmm, maybe I'll fight you," Kenpachi said and got up.

"Hold on a minute," Yoruichi said. "I just came to talk to you about a little proposition."

"Oh, and what kind of proposition are you talking about? Does it involve killing stuff?"

"It might," Yoruichi said.

"Then whatever it is, I'm in," Kenpachi said. "I love killing stuff; so long as they're a tough opponent."

"Then step into my office," Yoruichi said and gestured to Girl Cabin Number 2 where she was staying. "I'll go over the details with you and some of the other recruits."

_**Loly and Menoly**_

"Loly Aivirrne and Menoly Mallia, that's not very nice," Orihime said as she blew the whistle around her neck.

Loly and Menoly looked up from their attempts at drowning Renji. In the corner of the pool area, Shuhei, Kira, Keigo, and Shunsui were cowering. The group had been talking about who they thought were the hottest girls and Renji said that he couldn't decide except that Loly and Menoly were the least good-looking of the bunch. Unfortunately, Loly and Menoly were entering the pool area just as he said it. If Orihime hadn't stepped in then they could have quite possibly killed Renji.

"Oh look, Menoly, it's the Little Princess," Loly said.

"Yeah, and once again she's ruining our fun," Menoly said.

"Loly Aivirrne and Menoly Mallia, if you don't let Renji up for air then I will have to take away ten gold stars from you," Orihime said and put her fists on her hips.

"Just let them drown him," Byakuya said from the beach chair he was lying on in his swim suit. "It's his fault for being an idiot."

Loly and Menoly looked at Byakuya and then Orihime.

"You see, he doesn't have a problem with it," Menoly said.

"Yeah, isn't he like this asshole's superior or something?" Loly asked.

"Loly…Menoly…" Orihime said in a slow and low tone. "Let him up this instant."

Loly and Menoly sighed and did as instructed. Renji gasped for breath as he was dragged onto shore. He sat up and then screamed and backed away from Loly and Menoly as fast as he could. He pointed at them with trembling fingers.

"THOSE TWO ARE INSANE!" he shouted. "THEY TRIED TO KILL ME!"

"And we would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for that meddling Orihime," Loly whispered under her breath.

"He started it," Menoly said. "He said that we were ugly."

"I DID NOT!" Renji shouted. "I said that you two were the least attractive girls here."

"Renji…" Orihime said in that same slow and low tone. "Apologize."

"WHAT?" Renji cried out.

"Apologize to them…now," Orihime said and her eyes blazed with fire.

"Uh…what's gotten into you? Are you…are you possessed?"

"Are you going to do this the easy way…or the hard way?" Orihime asked and put her hands to the sides of her head and the flowers where the spirits of the Shun Shun Rikka were housed.

"Uh…wait a minute…what are you doing?" Renji asked.

"Renji, apologize or else I'll have Tsubaki take care of you," Orihime said.

"Fine, fine," Renji said. "I'm sorry for insulting Loly and Menoly."

"Okay," Orihime said, returning to her normal giddy self. "Now, play nice," she said and skipped away from them.

Renji looked at Loly and Menoly who were glaring at him and he joined the others in the corner.

"Whoa, I had no idea that Orihime could be so scary," Keigo said.

"No kidding," Renji said.

_**Yamamoto and Aizen**_

"Ah, there you are," Mr. Noying said as he approached the hot springs where Yamamoto and Aizen were once again hanging out. "How do you like the hot springs?"

"They are very relaxing," Yamamoto said.

"Oh yes," Aizen said. "If there's one thing I miss since my time in Hueco Mundo it's the hot springs. They're quite soothing on the soul."

"I'm glad that you like them," Mr. Noying said. "At any rate, group activity will be starting in about forty-five minutes. I promise you won't want to miss it."

"Ooh, what is it?" Aizen asked.

"It's a nice little teambuilding exercise involving high places. I want to see how well they can trust each other to navigate an obstacle course that we set up."

_**Harribel**_

"LADY HARRIBEL!" Mila Rose and Apacci shouted as they ran up to her.

She turned and saw that they were dragging two of the members in the Soul Reaper group with them. She was knew that the one with the 69 tattooed on his face was Shuhei, but she couldn't quite remember the blonde's name.

_They must have found potential allies,_ she thought. Then she remembered that these two were in Gin's group who were hunting for ghosts and vampires and maybe even the tooth fairy and Santa Clause by now.

"Lady Harribel," we've found some recruits to help in our investigation," Mila Rose said.

"HEY! I WANTED TO TELL HER!" Apacci roared.

"That's too bad. I beat you to it."

"Why you…"

"Ladies, that's enough arguing," Harribel said and looked at Shuhei and Kira. "Sung-Sun already found someone who can help us out. She'll be coming pretty soon."

_And hopefully Starrk will be coming as well,_ she thought. She wondered where Starrk was.

_**Starrk**_

"Great, where did Lilynette go off to now?" Starrk whispered as he rubbed his head. "I hope she didn't get caught up in Gin's insanity."

At that moment Starrk heard voices coming from a shed he was walking past. He turned and looked at it. He crept closer, making sure not to make a noise. He put his ear close to the shed's wall.

"Do you think I should put another scope on this one?" someone asked.

"No, it will throw the balance off," Lilynette said.

_Oh no,_ Starrk thought. _What are they up to now?_

"Hey Lilynette," Gin's voice said. "Do you think this is enough silver at the tip or should I put a bit more on."

"I would put a little bit more silver on that one," Lilynette said. "However, that one's fine."

"No, that one needs a little bit more silver," Yamamoto said.

"We're hunting vampires; not werewolves," Lilynette said. "I'm telling you that bolt is fine. Don't you remember how in episode 34 of _Dreams in the Vampire House_ how Dr. Barker mentions that while silver isn't as deadly to vampire as werewolves, they can be weakened by a tiny bit of silver. However, too much silver and you get a really pissed-off vampire that could bench-press Yammy's weight when he's in full Resurrección fifty times over. Remember what happened to Anton when shot a vampire with silver pellets?"

"Oh yeah," Yamamoto said.

"Anyways, that's enough silver," Lilynette said. "Anymore and you could make the tip too heavy. Anyways, I'm just about finished with attaching the UV light onto this one. Remember folks, the reason why vampires are weak against sunlight is because of the UV rays and not just by the light. You can shine a frickin' flashlight in their eyes and they won't even blink, but shine a UV light in 'em and…"she chuckled softly.

Starrk shook his head and was about to walk away when the shed door opened. Lilynette stood in the entry, dressed in military fatigues, a white tank top, and boots. At her waist she wore a belt with an army knife. In her hand she held a very cool, wicked-looking, kick-ass crossbow. It was outfitted with a scope at the top and a UV light underneath. It held six bolts at the top and another two along the sides of the stock.

"I thought I felt you out here," Lilynette said. "Care to join us?"

"Not really," Starrk said. "Uh…you do know that a crossbow isn't a toy, right?"

"I know how to treat a weapon. Remember, when you're in your release form I'm your guns and the spirit wolves."

"Yeah, but…just be careful with that thing."

"I know how to use a crossbow," Lilynette said.

"Well, you do, but do they know how to use a crossbow?"

Lilynette turned and saw Gin and the rest of the T.A.G. Team behind her. Each of them was armed with some kind of weapon associated with vampire hunters like Gin was holding another crossbow, but this one had a mechanism that would pull the string back with a single pump-action. Momo was carrying a water gun that was filled with, of course, Holy Water and was wearing a silver crucifix and a necklace of wolf's bane around her neck. Aaroniero was carrying a bag filled with wooden stakes that were dipped in silver. Zommari was dressed like a Catholic priest, complete with shawl and Roman collar, and was carrying a book of exorcism rituals, even though Zommari never went to seminary school and was never an ordained minister, but he was the only one who fit the bill of filling in for the Priest archetype.

"Yamamoto and I will go over their jobs later," Lilynette said with a wave of her hand. "At any rate, Starrk, want to join us?"

"Not really," Starrk said. "Lilynette, I'm really worried about you joining these guys. They're all insane and her," he said pointing at Momo. "I don't know what to make of her."

"Don't worry. I'm just doing this for fun. I'm not really taking the whole vampire thing seriously. I just like screwing around with their heads," Lilynette said. "Anyways, I think Bel might be worried about you so you better get going."

"Fine, but remember, Lilynette."

"I know. Don't become like Gin and Aizen. I won't," Lilynette said and grinned. Oh she and Yamamoto were going to have some fun with this pack of fools. If they did catch a vampire in the process: that would just be a bonus.

_**Harribel**_

Harribel looked up and saw Starrk coming towards them. She smiled and rushed over to him.

"What took you?" she asked.

"I was looking for Lilynette. You're not going to believe what she was up to."

"Try me."

"She was helping Tosen and his gang along with that old guy, Yamamoto, on gearing up for a vampire hunt."

"You're right. I don't believe it if she was serious about it."

"She isn't. She's just doing it to play around with them."

"Then I do believe it. Anyways, Sung-Sun should be here pretty soon. In the meantime, we'll just try to stay out of the way of the Courageous and Magnificent Vampire Hunters."

"No, I think they're still the Tosen's A Ghost Team," Starrk said and sighed.

_**Grimmjow and Nelliel**_

"Great, another day and another 'Trust-building' exercise," Grimmjow said. "I should be busy beating someone up."

"No you shouldn't," Nel said. "This kind of thing might be good for you."

"I doubt it. In case you haven't noticed, panthers don't like to be bossed around."

"Is that so? Perhaps if I took away your bag of catnip…"

"HEY! I NEED THAT!"

"Grimm, I think you might have an addiction problem. I'll schedule you an appointment with the on-island psychiatrist to help you."

"There's no way I'm going to meet with someone who Gin suspects is a vampire. I like my blood where it is, thank you very much."

"Grimm, would it kill you if you just give therapy a chance?"

"It would if the shrink's a vamp," Grimmjow said.

"Grimm, there's no such thing as vampires. I'm doing this for your own good. I'll talk to Mr. Noying and see if I can't get you an appointment."

"Great, just great," Grimmjow said. "You know if this was a horror film that would mean I'm probably an early casualty."

"Oh for Aizen's sake, this isn't a movie," Nel said.

_**Tatsuki**_

Tatsuki followed Sung-Sun. She made sure that no one saw her as she left the group of counselors who were making their way to that morning's activity. She couldn't help but notice that Ichigo was trying to sneak away as well, but was caught and dragged back into line by both Rukia and Orihime. She noticed that some of the others were really starting to enjoy themselves in their roles as "Camp Counselor" but she and Ichigo were having none of it.

"So, how many do you think are left?" Sung-Sun asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I've been noticing an alarming trend. There are groups forming and they're all following some insane form of logic. You have Gin with his group. Then you have Byakuya going on about some kind of cat plot to take over the world. Then you have Yoruichi talking about some kind of fish invasion," Sung-Sun said and shook her head. "How many do you think are still sane?"

"Well…" Tatsuki began and at that moment Captain Komamura popped out, fully naked. Leaves and twigs were caught in his fur and he howled in delight.

"I'M HEEDING THE CALL OF THE WILD!" he shouted and howled as he ran off into the forest.

Sung-Sun and Tatsuki looked after him and Lieutenant Iba came running out carrying a leash and collar with a bone-shaped name tag with "KOMAMURA" written on it.

"I'm sorry," he said. "But did either of you ladies see Captain Komamura running this way?"

"Is he the one that looks like a large dog?" Tatsuki asked.

"Yeah, that's him. I'm supposed to make sure he washes and brushes his fur every day," Iba said. "But he got free before I could get his leash on him."

"He went that way," Sung-Sun said and pointed in the direction that Komamura ran.

"Thanks," Iba said. "CAPTAIN KOMAMURA, IT'S BATH TIME! IF YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, YOU'LL GET SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE DOGGY TREATS!"

"Anyways, what was the question again?" Tatsuki asked.

"Never mind."

_**Chojiro**_

"Oh…oh my…OH MY GOD! I FINALLY GOT MY OWN SUB-CHAPTER HEADING! HURRAH! HURRAH! TIME TO CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!"

(We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties)

(We Now Return You To The Actual Story)

_**Harribel**_

Harribel saw Sung-Sun coming up the path with Tatsuki. Shuhei and Kira used the opportunity of Mila Rose and Apacci's disappointment to run off and regroup with the T.A.G. Team.

"Lady Harribel, I've brought her," Sung-Sun said.

"Excellent work, Sung-Sun," Harribel said. "So you know something about a mansion in the woods, is that correct?"

"This doesn't have something to do with vampires, right?"

"It does not," Ulquiorra said.

"AH, where'd you come from?"

"I have been hiding from the insane nonsense that is going on here," Ulquiorra said. "I also saw that white-haired Soul Reaper Captain trying to hide as well, but then that large-breasted blonde Lieutenant of his found him and dragged him off somewhere. It was such a pity. He seemed to be one of the few sane people left on this…no…I can't use that…Aizen loves this place."

"So, why did you come out?" Sung-Sun asked.

"I got lonely and decided to come out."

"Aw, you poor thing," Orihime said.

"AH! WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?" Mila Rose and Apacci shouted.

"I followed Tatsuki."

"I take it that Ichigo got tied up and abducted by Rukia to go to whatever exercise they're doing?"

"Yep, but when I saw you sneak away I thought, 'Hey, Tatsuki's sneaking away to get some snacks or something.' So, I followed you. That way I could sneak some snacks too."

"Uh…right…whatever," Tatsuki said.

"But then I thought, 'Wait a minute. What if she's taking someone to see the Old Camp? That's a big No-No.' So, I brought along some rope and a Taser and my whistle just in case you were thinking of disobeying the rules." Orihime's voice was dark and menacing when she said, "disobeying the rules."

"Uh…Orihime, I…I wasn't going to take them down the path to the left and lead them straight until we got to the sign post that says 'KEEP OUT' and turn left down the overgrown trail until they reached the old abandoned mansion."

"Oh…OKAY!" Orihime said and brightened. "Just as long as you weren't doing a big No-No, you should be fine. Now come on, we're about to begin and Mr. Noying wants everyone to be there. Hey, where were those people you were talking to?"

"What people?"

"Hmm, I could have sworn there were other people here," Orihime said. "Oh well, they probably got excited and ran to the activity."

"Yeah, that's probably it," Tatsuki said and followed Orihime.

_**T.A.G. Team**_

"This is Alpha Wolf calling for Alpha Fox. Do you read me Alpha Fox? Over," Lilynette asked into the headset she was wearing.

"This is Alpha Fox calling Alpha Wolf," Gin's voice said through the earphone. "I read you loud and clear. Over."

"Very good," Lilynette said. "The rest of you sign off. I want to make sure that you all read me loud and clear."

"This is Alpha Gramps," Yamamoto said. "I read you loud and clear, Alpha Wolf."

"This is Alpha Pumpkin," Zommari said. "I read you loud and clear."

"**This is Alpha Head 1…**"

"_…and Alpha Head 2…_"

"Blub…blub-blub" (Translator's Note: This is…Alpha Koi)

"_**We read you loud and clear. Over.**_"

"Blub…blub" (Translator's Note: Read you… Over)

"Excellent," Lilynette said. "Where are Alpha Emo and Alpha Tattoo?"

"They haven't reported in," Gin said.

"Damn it. Looks like something got them and they're dead," Lilynette said.

"WHAT? No…no…not Alpha Emo and Alpha Tattoo," Momo said over the headset.

"Pull yourself together, Alpha Whiney," Gin said. "Just remember. We mustn't let their deaths go in vain. If we find them…that means that they're vampires and we must get rid of them. Do you understand? If you want Toshiro to live…if you want Aizen to live…if you want Aizen's almighty Hair Curl to live…you must keep it together, girlfriend."

"I…I understand," Momo said. "I must do this so that way Toshiro, Captain Aizen, and Captain Aizen's almighty and magnificent and gorgeous Hair Curl can live."

_Oh man,_ Lilynette thought as she suppressed the laughter building inside of her. _This stuff is GOLDEN! Thank goodness I'm recording this. It will provide me with blackmail material on these guys for so many years._

_**Nnoitora**_

"So, you come to me for help, Baraggan," Nnoitora said and he crossed his legs.

"Yes, I need your help, Nnoitora," Baraggan said from across the table.

"Tesla, bring the case over here," Nnoitora said.

"Yes, Master Nnoitora," Tesla said and grabbed the briefcase that Baraggan brought with him to this little impromptu meeting.

"Open it."

"Yes, Master," Tesla said and opened the case.

Nnoitora looked inside and looked at Baraggan.

"This is just a small sample of what I can offer you if you help me in my endeavors," Baraggan said.

"Interesting," Nnoitora said. "Some of these were smuggled in from the Soul Society were they not?"

"That is correct," Baraggan said. "I also have volumes that date back as late as only last week."

Nnoitora brought out the disks and looked through them. His eye widened and he looked at Baraggan.

"How did you get your hands on this? I thought she destroyed all of the copies."

"I have my ways," Baraggan said. "So, do we have a deal?"

"You truly are the Godfather of voyeurism," Nnoitora said and bowed. "We have a deal. I will gladly do this deed for you, but in exchange I want the footage you capture."

"Done," Baraggan said. "I hope that you enjoy the disks, but only after you help get the cameras set up. I want the cameras to be set up in any area where a sexy young vixen is likely to get naked."

"It shall be done," Nnoitora said. "I shall set them up right away."

"Excellent and I do hope you enjoy the footage of Harribel and her fraccion in the showers. Also, you might be interested in the one of Orihime and Rangiku in the Squad 10 Barracks after they rescued Rukia, who is in it as well. Then there is another of Kisuke with both Yoruichi and Sui-Feng at the waterfall in the Soul Society. These are very, _very_ rare finds. Treasure them with your life."

"Oh…I will," Nnoitora said and licked his lips. "I will enjoy these greatly. And I will protect these with my life."

Ggio shook his head. He couldn't understand why in all of Hueco Mundo, the World of the Living, and the Soul Society put together Baraggan would want to make more videos of Arrancar and Shinigami females naked when he had a whole collection of them at home. Of course, the same could be said about Nnoitora. Everyone in Las Noches knew that Baraggan and Nnoitora were in a sort of contest to see whose collection of porn was the biggest and it was relatively evenly matched between them. He figured that Nnoitora would make the deal so that way he could claim bragging rights about having certain videos of certain Arrancars, but including Shinigami only sweetened the deal.

He also knew that Cuuhlhourne was secretly negotiating with Tesla and Luppi on doing the same thing with the Arrancar and Shinigami guys, with a list of exceptions of course (Omaeda being at the top of that list).

_**Harribel**_

They made their way through the dense forest when Harribel stopped and shivered.

"Are you alright, Lady Harribel?" Sung-Sun asked.

"I have this bad feeling," Harribel said. "I think someone might have…but no, that couldn't be. I got rid of all of the copies."

"Uh…what are you talking about?" Starrk asked.

"Nothing," Harribel said.

"Okay," Starrk said. "I suppose that Tatsuki was giving us directions to this 'Old Camp' place. That means that somewhere ahead there should be a sign that says 'Keep Out' and we turn left onto the faded trail. Oh, that must be it," he said and pointed at a weathered sign that said "Keep Out" in faded red letters.

"This is…rather ominous," Sung-Sun said.

"Come on," Starrk said as he took the lead. "The sooner we get done with this, the sooner we can get back."

_**T.A.G. Team**_

"Alpha Wolf, Alpha Wolf, do you read me? Over," Gin asked.

"This is Alpha Wolf," Lilynette answered. "What is it? Over."

"I found Alpha Emo and Alpha Tattoo. They are still alive. I repeat they are still alive. Over."

"Have they been bitten? Over."

Gin looked at the dazed forms of Shuhei and Kira on the ground. They were knocked out, but they did not have the tell-tale bite mark of a vampire. He sighed in relief. They wouldn't have to put them down after all.

"They have not been bitten," Gin said. "I repeat they have not been bitten. What should I do with them? Over."

"Stay there," Lilynette said. "I'll contact the rest of the Team. Give me your coordinates and I'll relay them to the rest of the Team. Chances are that they were attacked by the Watch Dog. We'll have to be very careful now. Over."

"Roger that," Gin said. "I am currently located by the mess hall. Please hurry. Over and out," Gin said. He looked around, but didn't see anyone. He looked back at Kira and Shuhei. "It'll be alright, soldiers. You're safe now."

Behind him a figure, that _wasn't_ a particular psycho albino, watched from the shadows and dashed away.

_**Harribel**_

Harribel watched as Starrk used a stick he found to beat some of the shrubbery away from the path. They could see another sign up ahead. She took one look at it and shook her head. The sign read: "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP OUT!"

"Whoever posted those warning signs must have known Szayel Aporro," she whispered as she remembered the more than 500 signs that Szayel Aporro posted around his palace.

"You know, when someone tells you to 'Keep Out,' you better keep out," Sung-Sun said.

"I know," Starrk said. "Unfortunately, the people caught in such a situation always do the dumb thing and ignore it. But we're not ignoring the warnings. We need to find anything that can help us find out what's wrong with this place."

"And it's not vampires," Harribel said.

"It's something, but I don't think ghosts and vampires have anything to do with it," Starrk said.

"Maybe pod people?" Apacci asked.

"NO!" the others cried out in unison.

"Just kidding," Apacci said. "God, don't any of you know a joke when you hear it?"

"Hey, quiet down, please," Starrk hissed.

"At least he said, 'please,'" Mila Rose grumbled.

"There's something up ahead," Starrk said.

They made their way forward as carefully as they could. They saw a pair of iron-wrought gates standing before them, but one of them had fallen when its brick post was destroyed. The other brick post had a metal plaque that read: "A. SECRET".

"Okay, seriously, what is with these names?" Apacci asked.

"Look," Starrk said and grimaced.

They looked and groaned. Ahead they could see that the yard ahead was lined with nude sculptures. The fountain at the center of the turn-about was of prancing naked cherubs and fauns. There were statues of lounging nudes and nudes dancing in circles.

"Okay, this is seriously fucked up," Mila Rose said.

"What is with these people and nudes?" Apacci asked.

"At least they're not as gaudy as those gold things on the train and ship," Sung-Sun said.

"No, but they still used a lot of them," Starrk said. "Should we go in?"

"What choice do we have?" Harribel asked. "I mean, the name on the plaque seems to suggest we might find out something important."

"Either that or else one of us will die," Starrk said. "Whenever a group enters a place with buried secrets, someone always dies."

"Maybe we shouldn't," Apacci said.

"Yeah, I like staying alive," Mila Rose said.

"Would you two please stop it?" Sung-Sun said and hit both of them on the back of the head. "We're already dead if you don't remember. We're Arrancars. Arrancars are not physically alive."

"SHUT UP, SUNG-SUN!" the two yelled.

At that moment the front door opened and something came flying out. They looked with wide-eyes as a pale-white hand with black fingernails pointed at the object and then beckoned for them to come forward.

"Hey Ulquiorra," Starrk whispered. "Do you have a twin brother we don't know about?"

"I do not recall," Ulquiorra said as he looked at his own hands.

The door slammed shut and they could hear maniacal laughter.

"Okay, so…what do we do?" Starrk asked.

"I would think that is easy," Ulquiorra said and turned around. "We just leave. Or we can follow the rules of horror and go in and see what the crazy person who lives in a rundown house left for us. We open the box and see someone's severed head inside and then we run away in horror and go insane and kill ourselves."

They looked at each other and then at Ulquiorra.

"Very well," he said and sighed. "I shall go see what the crazy person left for us."

"Good luck," Starrk said. "Wait a minute. This reminds me of something. But I can't remember what."

Ulquiorra sighed as he went in by walking over the fallen gate. He made his way towards the box, making sure to keep a watch on the house. He looked at the box and then bent over to make sure there wasn't any blood or any other fluid soaking it. When he saw that the bottom looked dry, he picked it up and walked back. He took one look at the house and saw a curtain in the upstairs move slightly.

"I know. I know," Ulquiorra whispered to the window. "I am doing exactly what you want. Either there's a severed body part or a vital piece of information in this box. I just hope it is the latter."

Ulquiorra returned with the box in hand.

"Nice work, Ulquiorra," Starrk said.

"You do realize that the last time I did something like this, we awakened the monster known as Charlotte Cuuhlhourne," Ulquiorra said.

"THAT'S IT!" Starrk shouted. "I knew that something like this happened before."

"If you are going to put someone's life in danger like that. I suggest that you use Tesla or that big fat guy from the Soul Reaper group…preferably the fat Soul Reaper since Tesla is on our team."

"And nobody likes that fat Soul Reaper," Apacci said.

"Indeed," Ulquiorra said as he set the box down. "Now, who will open the box?"

"I will," Starrk said. "I'm the only one here who brought a pocket knife," he said and knelt on the ground. He took out his Swiss Army Knife (the greatest invention in weaponry ever) and opened the blade. He slid it under the string that was tied around the box. "Wow, they even included the fraying string. How classical," he muttered before cutting it. He looked away as he opened the box. "Well, what's inside?"

Apacci leaned forward slowly and frowned.

"Aw, no severed head," she said. "Wouldn't that have been neat to see someone's severed head in a box? No wait, better yet, seeing _your own_ severed head in a box."

"What kind of sick person are you?" Mila Rose asked.

"I should ask you the same thing," Apacci said. "I saw you looking at S&M sites on the internet."

"Why you…" Mila Rose snarled.

"Knock it off," Harribel said. "Look, we all have our own perversions so just drop it. Well, what is it?"

"It's a newspaper clipping," Starrk said as he brought out a rather old and slightly crumpled bit of yellowed paper from the box. "Man, talk about a waste of cardboard," he muttered.

"Never mind that," Ulquiorra said. "What does it say?"

"It says, 'A. Secret Invites Ten Officials for First Ever Smiley Convention on Injun Island'." Starrk's eyes widened. "Harribel, this must be…"

"Yes, it's what that guy in the restaurant told us about," Harribel said. "A strange guy brought ten guests over and they all died. This must be that group."

"Does it say anything else?" Ulquiorra asked.

Before Starrk could read on, there was a scream.

They all looked up as another scream came. They looked at each other and terror seized them.

"Oh shit," Starrk moaned. "Don't tell me that somebody died."

"Well, we are at that point," Ulquiorra said.

"The first victim," Apacci said with glee. "I hope it's Nnoitora."

"Or better yet," Mila Rose said grinning. "Maybe it's Aizen."

"Yeah," they all said in equally dreamy expressions as the image of Aizen pinned to a tree or one of the cabins by a sword entered their minds.

However that dream was short-lived when Aizen's voice cried out from somewhere.

"MY HAIR CURL! MY BEAUTIFULLY AWESOME MAJESTIC AND ALMIGHTY HAIR CURL IS DEAD!"

That's right. The first victim…was Aizen's Hair Curl.

**End of Chapter 9**

**Lawyer: NO! NO! NO! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT AIZEN'S AWESOME ALMIGHTY HAIR CURL IS DEAD!**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: That's what Aizen said. But...how did it happen?**

**Lawyer: Who did it? Who is the fiend that killed Aizen's Hair Curl?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: A barber?**

**Lawyer: But which one? Which barber dared to smite Aizen's Hair Curl with their scissors?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: I have no idea. But I think it has something to do with whatever exercise A. Noying was doing. Folks, I'll have to check the tapes, but I think it was during whatever teamwork building exercise A. Noying had planned.**

**Nnoitora: HEY! Wait a minute, you already have cameras set up?**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Hey, how did you get in here? This is my secret lair. Go find your own.**

**Nnoitora: No way, you have most of what I need already set up. I'M TAKING OVER!**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: OH NO YOU DON'T! DON'T MAKE ME USE THE BUG SPRAY ON YOU!**

**Nnoitora: I'D LIKE TO SEE YA TRY!**

**Lawyer: Well anyways folks...uh...who are you?**

**Tesla: I'm Master Nnoitora's most loyal and faithful servant, Tesla. Who are you?**

**Lawyer: I'm a Lawyer.**

**Tesla: And who are those people?**

**Lawyer: Those are our readers. Would you like to say "Hello" to the nice people?**

**Tesla: Hello. I guess I should read what the teleprompter is saying too. Uh...thank you for reading and please review.**


	10. Chapter 10: Requiem for a Hair Curl

**Bleach Summer Camp**

**Chapter 10: Requiem for a Hair Curl**

"This is Alpha Pink calling Alpha Wolf, over," Szayel Aporro said over his headset.

He held out the tracking device he invented that would help him to follow any signs of ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night (Good Lord, deliver us).

"Alpha Pink this is Alpha Wolf," Lilynette replied. "We have Alpha Emo and Alpha Tattoo, over."

"Have they been bitten, over?"

"That's a negative," Alpha Gramps (A.K.A. Yamamoto) replied. "They're both fine, over."

_Damn,_ Szayel Aporro thought. _There goes my chance to experiment on a vampire victim. I'll have to ask Santa to bring me one of those for Christmas this year._

He was about to say something when there was a loud cry from somewhere.

"MY HAIR CURL!" Aizen shrieked.

"What the…?" Szayel Aporro muttered and then he grinned.

_I can finally run my experiments on that thing,_ he thought. _Aizen always told me that the day I could run my tests on his hair curl would be the day it died._

_**Orihime**_

Orihime watched as Ichigo and Renji were demonstrating that day's exercise. She looked around and saw that some of their campers were missing. She frowned at that.

"HEY WATCH IT PINEAPPLE HEAD!" Ichigo shouted.

"OH SHUT UP, CARROT TOP!" Renji shouted back.

"WHY SHOULD I? YOU NEARLY KNOCKED ME OFF THIS DAMN THING!"

"MAYBE IF YOU WERE LEANING CLOSER TO ME YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM!"

"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE DOG-BREATH THEN I WOULD!"

"OH, THIS COMING FROM A GUY WHO SMELLS LIKE HE USES STRAWBERRY-SCENTED BODY-WASH IN THE SHOWER. Oh…that's right…YOU DO USE STRAWBERRY-SCENTED BODY-WASH IN THE SHOWER!"

"Wow, that was a lame comeback," Rukia said from where she watched.

Ichigo and Renji were facing each other on the somewhat parallel ropes. Their palms were pressed together and the closer to the other end they got, the closer the ropes became. Mr. Noying said that it would help them to "grow closer together in trust" or some such thing.

"WOULD YOU TWO STOP BEING A COUPLE OF DUMBASSES AND GET YOUR WORTHLESS ASSES IN GEAR?" Hiyori shouted from the base of the tower where she was holding onto Ichigo's rope.

"Oh shut up, Snaggle-Tooth," Ichigo said.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Hiyori yelled. "DON'T MAKE ME THROW MY HIYORI SUPERTRAINER AT YOUR UGLY MUG!"

"You actually brought your Lame-Ass Trainer?" Shinji asked from where he was holding Renji's Rope.

"Shut up, Dumbass," Hiyori said. "And that's SUPERTRAINER!"

"Now, now, you two, no fighting," Kisuke said as he waved his fan. "We're all here to get along."

"We are? Gee you could have fooled me," Shinji said. "I thought you and Yoruichi were going to take advantage of the clothing-optional aspect of this damn place."

"We do that when everyone else is asleep," Kisuke said.

"HEY, WATCH IT!" Ichigo shouted.

"Oh shut up, Strawberry," Renji snarled. "You're wearing a harness aren't you?"

"Yeah, but Snaggle-Tooth is holding my rope. I don't trust her."

"Now, now," Mr. Noying said. "The whole point of this exercise is to help you build trust. You have to trust your partner and the one holding the rope."

"Great, just great," Ichigo moaned.

At that moment there came a shout of horror from somewhere close to the hot springs.

"MY HAIR CURL! MY BEAUTIFULLY AWESOME MAJESTIC AND ALMIGHT HAIR CURL IS DEAD!"

"What was that?"

"Sounds like someone did us all a favor and cut off that eye-sore of a hair curl off Aizen," Byakuya said.

"WHOA! THIS I GOT TO SEE!" Hiyori shouted and rushed off, dropping Ichigo's rope.

At that moment, Renji's footing slipped from the rope.

"HEY!" Ichigo shouted. "RENJI! AAAAAAAAAAH!"

Renji slipped and dragged Ichigo down with him. Shinji tried to keep a hold of the rope, but the weight of Renji and Ichigo falling to the ground and his weak arms forced him to let go. Ichigo and Renji landed with a crash on the ground and they landed in a pile up.

"Aw, so cute," Mr. Noying said. "That's right. Express your love for each other."

"HEY! THERE'S NO YAOI ALLOWED HERE!" Sui-Feng shouted.

_**Unohana**_

"Now remember," Captain Unohana told her students, including Orihime. "If you really want to get them to do what you want, then you must look pleasant, but lower your tone just enough to make sure they know you're serious."

"YES, CAPTAIN UNOHANA!" Luppi and Orihime shouted.

"Now, Orihime, tell me how your assignment went."

"Yes, Ma'am," Orihime said. "I was able to get Renji to apologize to Loly and Menoly and then I made sure that Tatsuki was not leading a group to the Old Camp."

"Hmm, what's this about an Old Camp?" Unohana asked.

"Oops, I…shouldn't have told you that. That's a big No-No for the counselors to do."

"Never mind that," Loly said. "Tell me, Miss Unohana, how can I make that four-eyed guy in the white cape my bitch?"

At that moment they heard Aizen shouting about his beloved (at least to him) hair curl being dead. They turned in the direction.

"What's he so upset about?" Menoly asked.

"His stupid hair curl bit the dust, thank Baraggan," Loly growled.

"Wait, I thought that you practically worshiped the ground Lord Aizen walked on," Menoly said.

"I only tell do that when he's around or when I have to look at Little Princess Inoue."

"Uh…I'm right here," Orihime said.

"Yeah, but we're not in Las Noches girl," Loly said. "Besides, the way you handled Sir Pineapple…I think we're gonna get along just fine."

"In the meantime," Unohana said as she got up. "I think we should check to make sure that Aizen isn't hurt too badly."

"But Captain Unohana, why should we do that?" Isane asked. "I mean…he betrayed the Soul Society and there are…other things to worry about."

"Isane, I highly doubt that the Kamaboko King will send his Koi army to attack right now," Unohana said. "Besides, I have to see what he looks like without his beloved hair curl. He was always so vain about that thing."

_**Aizen**_

Souske Aizen looked in dismay at the remains of his beloved hair curl: the part of him that he thought was his best attribute. He could not believe how fast it happened. One moment he was walking from the hot springs, minding his own business, when he was tackled from behind. The next thing he knew, a gleaming pair of barber scissors was held in front of him and snipped his beloved hair curl from his head.

He just could not believe that someone would dare to kill his hair curl. What did his hair curl ever do to deserve such a fate?

He lifted his hair curl and looked at it in the palm of his hand.

"Oh…oh my beautiful…beautiful hair curl," he mourned. "Why? Why would somebody do this?"

He heard footsteps approaching and he looked up. He saw Gin standing before him.

"Oh Gin," he said. "I'm so glad you could be here to help me mourn. I knew I could count on you to be my most loyal servant."

Aizen threw himself on Gin and began to cry on his shoulder.

"Damn," Gin moaned. "I knew I should have made a left at that last fork in the path."

_**Tosen**_

"WAAAH AAAAAAAAAA YAAAAAAAAAAA"

"I agree Wonderweiss. Something must have happened to Lord Aizen. But how could that be? The Path of Justice would not want anything bad to happen to Lord Aizen."

Tosen made sure that his Justice Glasses (all rights reserved) were on as he and Wonderweiss made their way down one of the dirt trails. They stopped when there was a rustling noise coming from nearby.

"WAAAYAAAAAAA"

"Yes, someone's coming," Tosen whispered. "Quick, we must hide."

The leapt into one of the bushes just as Mizuiro and Keigo emerged from some of the underbrush.

"Man, that was weird," Keigo said.

"Whatever you say, Mr. Asano," Mizuiro said as he played with his cell phone.

"So, where was the exercise?"

"I don't know and I don't care. Hmm, still no bars," Mizuiro said as he examined his cell. "You would think that the camp owners would want to make sure they could contact someone in case of an emergency."

"Didn't Mr. Noying say that all of the phones were at the psychiatrist's cabin?"

"Yeah, but nobody's allowed up there without an appointment."

"I don't like this," Keigo moaned. "I mean…that dude's hair curl died. What if a living person is next?"

"Oh please," Mizuiro said and rolled his eyes. "The next victim will probably somebody's mullet or that old guy's beard and eyebrows."

"Are you sure? I mean…I really don't want to die. Oh God, what if I'm next?"

"I highly doubt that."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…nobody really cares enough to kill you."

"WHAT?" Keigo cried out and chased after Mizuiro.

When Keigo and Mizuiro were down far enough the path, Tosen and Wonderweiss emerged.

"Hmm, I don't trust those two. They're talking about Lord Aizen's hair curl for some reason, but…. We know that they're perverts. Maybe they're trying to take advantage of the situation to corrupt some young lady."

"YAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAA"

"Of course we follow them," Tosen said. "We need to protect the innocence and purity of the young ladies here."

"WAAAAA HAAAAANAAAAAAAA YAAAA"

"This is what the Path of Justice demands. As long as I have breath in my body, I will follow the Path of Justice. Come Wonderweiss, to the Justice Mobile."

"DYAAAHAAAA NAAAAAAAAAA"

"Oh…that's right. We don't have a Justice Mobile. The budget wouldn't allow it. Oh well, at least we're wearing our Justice Boots."

_**Starrk**_

"You've got to be kidding," Apacci moaned. "Aizen's making a big deal out of…that stupid curl of hair hanging in front of his face?"

"And here we were hoping that Aizen was dead," Mila Rose moaned.

"How disappointing," Sung-Sun said.

"So, what do we do now?" Starrk asked.

"We need to get back to the others," Ulquiorra said. "It is quite clear that somebody targeted Aizen's hair curl."

"And…" Harribel said.

"We must assume that they will come after…bigger prey than a mere hair curl. And do not suggest I am worried about my own hair. I am talking about an actual person. It is quite possible that the hair curl was a warning."

"Uh…how do you figure?" Starrk asked.

"It is merely an assumption based on this," he said and held up the news clipping. "We must try to warn the others of this. I fear that all of our lives are in danger."

"That's right," Harribel said. "The guy in the restaurant told us that people have been known to disappear on this island."

"THEN LET'S FIND THEIR REMAINS!" Apacci shouted. "Oh man, that would be so cool. We stumble upon a well or some mine shaft and explore it and then we find a chamber full of bones and rotting corpses."

"Seriously, you are fucked up," Mila Rose said and backed away from Apacci. "Mistress Harribel, why did you ever say she could hang out with us?"

"Apacci, I think you've had your fun," Harribel said.

"Oh…sorry," Apacci said and rubbed the back of her head. "Sometimes I get a little over-excited."

"You better watch that," Harribel said.

"Don't worry, she's not as bad as Lilynette," Starrk said. "I remember one time she persuaded Nirgge that Baraggan wanted to be buried up to his neck in sand."

"So that's who was responsible for that," Harribel said. "I remember that it took a whole week for the Las Noches Clean-Up and Restoration Committee to repair the damage Baraggan caused. And then it took us another five days just to get out of that lecture Aizen gave about how important for all of the upper-ranked Espadas not to release inside Las Noches. Of course that didn't stop Yammy."

"Well, Yammy is an idiot," Sung-Sun said.

"At any rate," Ulquiorra continued. "We need to get back. I am sure that there are at least a few sane people left. I high advise that we keep away from Gin and his group, they're too far gone."

"Except for Lilynette," Starrk said and sighed. "She's just hanging out with them to get bribe material as well as footage to post on YouTube."

"Of course," Ulquiorra said. "That indicates she is still sane. Only sane people hang around a pack of fools to get good material for YouTube and to make money. I also advise that we stay away from that Yoruichi person and her growing army of anti-Koi soldiers and Byakuya and his anti-cat soldiers as well."

"Yeah, who would want to get involved in that?" Harribel asked.

"Okay, so we keep away from the T.A.G. Team, and whatever those two groups are calling themselves," Starrk said. "However, Ukitake was dragged into it against his will and Kyoraku…"

"Is just like you, only just that you're actually doing something," Harribel said.

"Indeed, I am surprised that you are not napping."

"I get this way when my friends are in danger," he said.

"Aw, that's cute," Harribel said and pecked his cheek.

"I think I am going to be sick," Ulquiorra said. He looked at the news article. "Come on, before someone decides to look for us."

"Where should we go?" Sung-Sun asked.

"That's easy," Starrk said. "As much as I hate the idea…"

"Indeed," Ulquiorra said. "We must go to where…Aizen is."

"WHAT?" Apacci and Mila Rose shouted.

"I see. You want to make sure that no one else knows where we were," Harribel said.

"That is correct," Ulquiorra said. "I would advise that we come up with some cover story, however…"

In the distance they could hear Aizen wailing.

"I…don't think we'll need one," Starrk said. "I'm sure a lot of people were elsewhere and not at whatever activity…"

"There you are," Tatsuki said as she ran up to them. "So…what did you find?"

"Well, we found this," Ulquiorra said and showed her the article.

_**Ichigo**_

"Wow," Ichigo said.

He held the Kleenex up to his bloody nose and watched as Aizen was weeping over his recently detached hair curl.

"I've never seen anyone make such a big deal out of a hair curl," Grimmjow said.

"This isn't good," Nel whispered to Grimmjow. "Don't you remember what happened when Aizen lost his favorite stuffed chibi Aizen?"

"Oh shit," Grimmjow moaned.

"So, what's this about Aizen having a stuffed chibi Aizen?" Ichigo asked.

"None of your business, Kurosaki," Grimmjow snarled. "Let's just say you were lucky not to be there. Besides, he has at least twenty stuffed chibi Aizens."

Ichigo looked at Grimmjow and then gave off a snort of laughter.

"Are you serious?" he asked. "Aizen…the guy who calls himself a god or 'Aizen, the Great and Terrible'…has…has…OH GOD THAT'S PRICELESS!"

"Yeah, yeah, now…can I kick your ass?"

Nel looked at Grimmjow and then at Ichigo and sighed.

"Honestly, sometimes I can never understand men."

"Would you please stop that?" Zommari asked, still in his priest's outfit. "Lord Aizen is in mourning. Lord Aizen, I think we should hold some kind of funeral service to help you in your time of grief."

"How about we just burn the fucking thing?" Nnoitora asked. "That way it doesn't latch on to any of us like some kind of…furry leech."

"Uh…Master Nnoitora," Tesla said. "I think it's bad manners to speak ill of the dead."

"Oh come on, it's a fuckin' hair curl."

"But still, Master Nnoitora, that hair curl was well-loved by someone," Tesla said.

"I know, let's give it a Viking funeral," Baraggan said. "All of the maidens will bear their breasts like the warrior Valkyries to escort the hair curl to Valhalla."

"You only suggested that to see the women topless," Ggio muttered. "And besides, Valkyries only escort the souls of those warriors who died in battle."

"Also," Rangiku said. "It was the Amazons who bared their breasts, you old Horn-Dog."

"HOW DARE YOU? I AM THE GOD OF HUECO MUNDO!"

"Of course you are," Rangiku said and rolled her eyes.

_**Mr. Noying**_

Mr. Noying watched as Aizen, who was still cradling his hair curl, was being led by Zommari. He frowned slightly.

"WEEEEEEELL HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," someone said.

"What do you want, Marty?" Mr. Noying asked.

"HEEEEEEEEEEE'S BEEN MAKING TROUBLE," Marty Poppins said.

"I see, but he hasn't interfered with the plan."

"NOT YEEEHEEEET," Marty Poppins said in his phony British accent.

"Oh drop the phony accent, Marty."

"Whatever you say, boss. Anyways, who do you want to start with?"

"I think we should start with the easiest ones first," Mr. Noying said.

"What about the one who caused this situation?"

"We can use this situation to our advantage. Make sure that the Psychiatrist knows that he'll be receiving some visitors tonight."

_**Starrk**_

Starrk looked at the situation. As usual, Zommari was kissing Aizen's ass by playing the role of the Shoulder-to-Lean-On. Gin was being led in a headlock by Aizen who was still holding his hair curl close to his chest.

"Oh man, this is so going on YouTube."

Starrk looked over and saw Lilynette holding a video camera.

"Hey, how's the Great Vampire Hunt going?" Starrk asked.

"Oh…two of the Soul Reapers got bumped on the head. Gin's calling an emergency meeting for this afternoon, but of course it's going to be planning for tonight's hunt."

"Just remember, there's the curfew," Tatsuki said. "You know, all campers must be in their assigned cabins by lights out."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But I'm telling you, the stuff I've gotten of Gin and his little pretense at being some kind of great hunter of supernatural beings has gotten me _a lot_ of material to use."

"And you're going to use it?" Mila Rose asked.

"Hell yeah, I'm gonna use it," Lilynette said.

"That's our girl," Apacci said. "We trained her well."

"I should have known," Starrk moaned.

"Indeed," Ulquiorra said and then he fell silent in thought. "Lilynette, do you think you can hook cameras up around a certain area?"

"Oh, don't worry. Nnoitora's having Tesla and Ggio setting up cameras all over the place," Lilynette said.

"HE IS?" Apacci asked.

"Yeah, we saw Ggio setting some things up at the hot springs and Tesla was over at the lake."

"Why would…? Oh…oh they are so dead," Harribel growled.

"What is it?" Starrk asked.

"None of your business…" Harribel said. "Oh Nnoitora…you are so going to be made into chum. No, not chum; I could never bring myself to let a fellow shark swallow any bits of you. That would be too cruel."

_**Ichigo**_

Aizen allowed himself to be led away by Zommari. He was glad to have someone like Zommari and Gin around to help him in this time of need.

"Thank you for being with me at this moment," Aizen said.

"It is my honor to be able to give you some level of comfort, Lord Aizen," Zommari said.

"No prob," Gin gasped, his face was beginning to turn blue.

"Mr. Aizen," Mr. Noying said as he jogged up to them. "I am so sorry for your loss."

"You're actually sorry that a hair curl died?" Ichigo asked.

"Hush now, Counselor Kurosaki," Mr. Noying said. "Mr. Aizen needs to know that we are all with here to support him in his time of need. Grief is a good way to help bring people together. And that can also help him heal."

"Right," Ichigo said and shook his head. "I can't believe we're actually going to hold some kind of funeral for a…a hair curl."

"Idiot," Rukia said. "It's the same as holding a funeral for a dearly beloved pet that died."

"Yeah, but…that's a pet. This is…a hair curl. Why are we even doing this?"

"To help a camper in their time of grief," Rukia said as though it should have been obvious.

"Uh…you do realize this is Aizen, right? He's the guy who tried to kill you."

"But just look at him, he's so…"

"…pathetic," Ichigo said and shook his head.

_**Hitsugaya**_

Toshiro Hitsugaya could not believe that his own Lieutenant was dragging him off somewhere. Of course, Rangiku was annoying at times. But this was a first.

"What are you doing?"

"Captain, I'm sorry for dragging you off like that," Rangiku said. "But my senses are tingling."

Toshiro looked at her in surprise.

"Are you saying there's a Hollow nearby? Great and we can't even turn into Soul Reapers."

"Not a Hollow," Rangiku said. "No, this is something else. It's as though this place is…is dangerous."

"It's at least bizarre," Toshiro said.

"But that's the thing. It's bizarre in that Isane has become more paranoid about that fish king she keeps having nightmares about. Yoruichi's going on about sending for some kind of cat armada. I talked with some of the others who are at least sane and they agree as well."

"So, there's something going on that's causing odd behavior in some of the others."

"Well, some of them are just being normal," Rangiku said. "But those you would think are more sensible are acting so strange. I'm telling you Captain, something is going on."

"Well, you were acting rather strange yourself."

"Nah, that was just the sake," Rangiku said. "I've been paying attention to some of the other…"

"I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE!"

"CAPTAIN WAIT! YOUR FUR COAT'S GETTING DIRTY!"

"Uh…what the…?" Toshiro asked.

At that moment Komamura burst across the path, looking more like a giant feral dog than an actual Captain. Iba was chasing after him with a bag of dog treats and the leash and collar. Toshiro and Rangiku watched as they ran past.

"Let me guess, is Captain Komamura…?"

"Nah, that's actually normal for him," Rangiku said with a wave of her hand.

"I see," Toshiro said. "I think that some of the Arrancars are still sane. I think that we should unite our forces before we all go insane."

"That would be best," Rangiku said.

"Rangiku, we must keep a close eye on everyone. I have a terrible feeling that what happened to Aizen's hair curl might actually, and I can't believe I'm even saying this, could happen to us."

_**Ukitake**_

Captain Ukitake and Captain Unohana followed at the rear of the slow-moving procession. He just could not believe that they were actually going through with this. It was difficult to tell what Unohana was thinking. Behind them, Sentaro and Kiyone were arguing, as usual.

"I'm telling you, I'm gonna protect Ukitake's hair from the fiend that killed Aizen's hair curl," Sentaro said.

"Oh yeah, and you'll fail badly," Kiyone said. "I'm the only one who can truly protect Captain Ukitake's lovely silver hair."

"Yeah right, and I bet you'll be cutting strands of his hair for that shrine of yours."

"WERE YOU IN MY ROOM?"

"No."

"Then how did you know about my fan girl shrine to Captain Ukitake?"

"Because it would be something you would do."

"I wish your subordinates would stop arguing," Unohana said.

"I know, but they have a lot of pent-up emotions," Ukitake said. "They're just frustrated since they can't tell each other how they feel."

"Maybe they should see a relationship counselor," Unohana said. "It's such a pity we don't have anyone like that in the Soul Society."

"Unohana, I need to know. Are you really serious about this whole Koi thing?"

"Isane is very worried and it is my duty as her Captain to give her some level of comfort," Unohana said. "However, I do not believe that a fish king is out to get her."

"That's a relief," Ukitake said. "Kenpachi, though seems a little too…gun-ho for it."

"Well, he is the Captain of Squad 11. They have a reputation to keep."

_**Kenpachi**_

"This way, Kenny," Yachiru said from her usual perch on Kenpachi's shoulder.

"Excellent," Kenpachi said, giving his signature grin.

Yumichika and Ikkaku were right behind him. They kept a look out for any suspicious person who might be nearby. However, the only thing strange they saw was Captain Komamura rushing through the jungle naked with Iba chasing after him and squeaking a rubber bone while holding a leash and collar. Other than that…it was trees and more trees and a lot of bushes.

"Hey, Yumichika," Ikkaku whispered.

"Yes," Yumichika replied.

"Why are we doing this again?"

"That's easy. The Captain wanted to hunt down the party responsible for the murder of Aizen's hair curl and wage battle against them. After all, they must be a pretty strong opponent to take down Aizen's mighty hair curl."

"Right," Ikkaku said.

"However, I must say that I'm having second thoughts about this whole run-around because it is completely messing up my beautiful hair and my gorgeous clothes. But at least the branches have been courteous enough not to scratch my lovely face."

"Well that's because…"

There was a loud cracking noise ahead of them as Kenpachi ran into a rather thick tree branch and it just splintered away from the tree trunk.

"Because Captain Zaraki's in the lead," Ikkaku finished.

"I just hope we find whoever's responsible before dinner time," Yumichika said. "Otherwise we'll be out here well past curfew and I need my beauty sleep."

_**Aizen**_

Aizen sniffled and his lips trembled as he watched the hole that would become his beloved hair curl's grave was being dug. Zommari stood at the head of the makeshift grave, dressed in his official T.A.G. Team official priest outfit, which was made out of black cloth and sewn by Uryu who Lilynette drafted to make some of the T.A.G. Team's official garments.

"What name would you like on the tombstone, Lord Aizen?" Zommari asked.

"Chief Lieutenant Badass Hair Curl," Aizen said and sniffled again.

"Did you get that, undertaker?"

"Why do I have to be the undertaker?" Hiyori asked.

"It's because you were standing where I was pointing after using the most ancient and sacred technique of Eeney-Meeney-Miney-Moe," Zommari said.

"That's not a very good way of doing it," Shinji said.

"Shut up and keep digging, gravedigger," Zommari said.

"Why should I dig even deeper," Shinji asked from the four-foot deep hole he was digging.

"We must make sure that this brave soul's body is buried in a decent manner."

"It's a hair curl," Shinji said.

"Now then, was there a specific song that the deceased wished to be played?" Zommari asked, ignoring Shinji's remark.

"Y-yes," Aizen said. "Chief Lieutenant Badass Hair Curl was always a fan of the song, 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion. It's…it's on my…my iPod," Aizen said and handed his iPod over to Zommari who in turn nodded.

"You have got to be kidding me," Apacci moaned.

"It shall be played."

"Thank you," Aizen gasped as he began to lose control.

_**Tatsuki**_

Tatsuki looked over the clipping again. She looked up to watch as Aizen approached the finished grave and sighed. She could not believe that they were actually holding a funeral for a stupid hair curl. She looked at the list of names the article mentioned and just shook her head.

"What do you have there?" someone asked.

She jumped and saw Orihime standing beside her.

"It's nothing important," Tatsuki said.

"You wouldn't be lying to me now would you?" Orihime said.

"Orihime, it's me, Tatsuki. When have you ever known me to lie to you?"

"I don't know," Orihime said and put her finger to her lips and turned her head to one side. "Maybe right now," she said and looked at Tatsuki again.

"Orihime, Orihime, it's just an old newspaper clipping," Tatsuki said.

"Oh…and what's it about?"

_What is with her? Orihime never acts like this,_ Tatsuki thought.

"I don't really know. It's so old that the print's too faded to read."

"Oh…OKAY!" Orihime said and beamed. "I just hope it wasn't on a No-No subject like what happened to A. Secret and his group from a while back. Oops, I shouldn't have said that out loud."

"That's alright," Tatsuki said. "I won't tell if you don't tell."

"Oh thank you, Tatsuki. Don't worry. As long as it's not on the No-No list, then it's fine. Well, I better get going. I need to help with the funeral."

Orihime skipped away from Tatsuki. She just shook her head and looked at the list of names. She looked at one that said B.A. Clue and another that said O. Noh and another that was A. Victim.

"Seriously, are any of these names even real people?"

_**Starrk**_

Starrk watched as Aizen lowered his hair curl gently into the grave. Orihime was holding up a battery-operated iPod external speakers. Celine Dion drifted from the speakers. Lilynette stood next to him, filming the whole thing.

"Oh man, this is golden," Lilynette said. "I am totally posting this on YouTube. Either that or I'll make a DVD out of it and sell it in Las Noches and the Soul Society and then post it on YouTube. Oh man, all of the money I can make off of this."

"Yeah, you're a regular Paparazzi," Starrk whispered.

"Thanks," Lilynette said her grin even bigger.

"I…didn't mean for that to be a compliment," Starrk said and rubbed his head.

"So, she's still following her dream of becoming a member of the Paparazzi?" Harribel asked.

"Yeah," Starrk said. They looked back to where Aizen was stepping away from the grave, weeping. Gin, threw a rose down into the grave and stepped back as well. "This is just weird."

"I know what you mean," Harribel said. "It's almost as weird as when he actually threw a wedding after Grimmjow made the remark of how if he loved his hair curl so much they should get married. I never thought he would actually do it."

Zommari stepped forward and cleared his throat.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," he began. "We are gathered here today to say 'Goodbye' to a valuable member of Las Noches. Chief Lieutenant Badass Hair Curl was closer to Lord Aizen than anyone could ever be."

"No kidding," Grimmjow muttered. "It was practically hanging right in front of his face."

"Hush you," Nel said and slapped Grimmjow in the arm.

"Today, we say farewell to a beloved friend and leader," Zommari continued.

"If that hair curl was our 'leader'…we are so fucked," Mila Rose whispered.

"We're fucked either way since Aizen's supposed to be our 'Great and Fearless Leader,'" Apacci said.

"We must never forget the good times we had with Chief Lieutenant Badass Hair Curl. As we lay this beloved hair curl into the dirt, we must remember that this brave soul lives on in the hearts of those who were touched by his presence. I pray that this brave soul shall find eternal rest in the loving arms of Lord Aizen. Banzai, banzai, banzai, long live Lord Aizen, banzai."

"Banzai," Aizen muttered.

"Banzai," Yamamoto said and wrapped an arm around Aizen.

Orihime came forward and brought out a trumpet and began to play "Taps." Aizen broke down in tears. The crowd of "mourners" looked around at the bizarre scene. Mr. Noying stepped forward as soon as Orihime finished playing "Taps" and looked at them.

"Your fellow camper is going through a rough time," he said. "He needs your support. He needs a nice, big hug right now. So, let's give him a great big, Camp Smiley Hug."

Orihime rushed to Aizen and embraced him in a big hug. The others only shrugged. They knew that they would just have to put on a shit-eating grin, say anything remotely resembling, "Sorry for your loss" and then give him the briefest of hugs and it would be over. As soon as they all finished, Mr. Noying looked at them.

"Now, do you have anything to say?" he asked.

"Can we go now?" Grimmjow asked.

_**Tosen**_

Kaname Tosen and Wonderweiss made their way through the bushes, still trailing Keigo and Mizuiro. He thanked Aizen of his Justice Glasses (all rights reserved), which allowed him to follow their path. That meant that he was indeed following the Path of Justice.

"So, is this the spot?" Keigo asked.

"Wait a minute. This is near the lake," Tosen whispered. "What are they up to?"

"Of course I'm sure," Mizuiro said. "This is where I hid the equipment."

"I'm just glad that we were able to sneak away," Keigo said as he brought out a fishing pole.

"WAAAAH HAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA"

"So they only came out here to do some fishing," Tosen whispered. "Well, that's harmless enough I suppose. Now come on, we must be with Aizen during his time of need."

Tosen and Wonderweiss snuck away.

"Are they gone?" Keigo asked.

"Oh yes," Mizuiro said as he followed Tosen and Wonderweiss out of the corner of his eyes. "It's a good thing I thought about this and set up the decoy fishing poles. Now, let's get the cameras set up."

"Hell yeah," Keigo said. "Let's hope we're lucky and get some shots of naked chicks."

"And make some money selling the video on the internet," Mizuiro said.

In a cluster of trees behind them, a shadowy figure stood watching them. It drifted back into the shadows.

_**Aizen**_

"I'm sorry for your loss," Mr. Noying said. "Will you be alright?"

Aizen knelt by the grave. Mr. Noying smiled. This one would be one of the easy ones. All that he needed to do was get him into the Psychiatrist's office.

"You know, our onsite Psychiatrist will be more than happy to listen to you and help you in your grieving process. I can easily set up an appointment for you tonight."

Aizen stood up and looked at Mr. Noying.

"Thank you," he said. "But that won't be necessary. I know what I need to do."

"Oh…" Mr. Noying said, taken aback.

"That's right. I need to…FIND A NEW HAIR CURL!" Aizen shouted and balled his hand into a fist.

_**T.A.G. Team**_

"I…I failed," Momo moaned. "I failed to keep Aizen's almighty and awesome hair curl alive."

"It's obvious," Gin said. "We're dealing with forces that want to go after us by going after our most powerful member first. We need to know what we're dealing with."

They were back at the scene of the crime…if you can call cutting off someone's lame attempt at being Superman a crime. Gin was hoping to find valuable clues as to point them in the direction of Aizen's hair curl's bane.

"**Have you…**"

"_…found anything?_"

"Blub…Blub?" (Translator's Note: Why…are we here?)

"We need to find out if the Vampire's watchdog is involved," Yamamoto said.

"Alpha Gramps is right," Gin said. "We need to know if it's the Vampire…or something even more horrible. Spread out and look for any sign of our quarry."

"Right," they all said.

"We must avenge the grievance done against Lord Aizen. BANZAI!" Zommari shouted and plunged into the bushes in hopes of being the first one to find something.

"BANZAI!" the others shouted and rushed into different directions to find clues.

Lilynette just sat back and allowed the video recorder to record the whole thing. She grinned as she watched. Her really cool, evil-looking , kick-ass crossbow was slung over her shoulder from its leather strap. She hoped that one of them would come up with some kind of extremely far-fetched idea. She was not disappointed.

"I FOUND SOMETHING!" Momo cried out.

The others rushed to where she was waving. There was something small in her hand.

"What is it?" Gin asked.

"It's this," she said and held out the object.

Gin took one look and then began to look in every direction he could. His face was pale. His smile was gone and, to everyone's surprise, his eyes were wide with fear.

"This is bad," he said. "This is really bad."

"What is it?" Zommari asked.

"We're facing something worse than a Vampire," he moaned.

"What is it? Are we facing zombies?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"**Maybe it's a…a...**"

"_…a smiling squid._"

"You do realize that your release form looks like a smiling octopus, right?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"_**We said 'Smiling SQUID'. It's a completely different creature.**_"

"Blub…blub, blub" (Translator's Note: Or…fish hooks)

"No…it's worse than all that," Gin said. "Ladies and gentlemen and Koi, we are facing…" he began and held up the tooth. "We are facing…THE TOOTH FAIRY!"

**End of Chapter 10**

**Lawyer: NO! THE TOOTH FAIRY!**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Uh...okay. Listen folks, I was able to get Nnoitora out, but unfortunately he comandeered control of some of the cameras. So, he's using some of our cameras for his little..."project" for Baraggan.**

**Lawyer: I'm currently working with his associate, Tesla, on making sure that in no way will we be held liable for their footage.**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Indeed. However, I wonder what Mr. Noying and Marty Poppins were talking about. Also, what is up with the psycho albino and the other figure wandering around the island? Also, who killed Aizen's hair curl? So much is happening.**

**Lawyer: I know. And now...THE TOOTH FAIRY'S COMING TO GET US! QUICK! HIDE YOUR TEETH! HIDE YOUR TEETH! (rushes to the corner and begins sobbing like a little baby)**

**MJLCoyoteStarrk: Right. Anyways, that's all for now. Thank you for reading and please review.**

**Important A.N.: I have a very important Thank You to send out: to UNseated4TH (A.K.A. My Personal Aizen), whose brilliant story "The Espada Friendship Reconstruction Program" served as a major influence and launching point for this story. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. This story took shape because (like an idiot) I assumed that UNseated4TH was not going to finish it and I was relatively new to FanFiction and was still feeling my way around and I just found the story so brilliant and loved it so much that I began writing this to try to figure out how it would end. UNseated4TH's brilliant story "Because of the Night Sky", a story centered on Starrk and Lilynette, was the first thing I read on FanFiction and was the story that caused me to begin my membership so that way I could begin posting my own stories online and get feedback on my writing that way.**

**To UNseated4TH: Thank you for being so gracious and cool about this. I hope that my story will continue to grow further apart and become its own thing. It's thanks to you and the fans that I push myself to become more creative with this story. This story is dedicated to you.**


End file.
